The Healing Power of Forgiveness

This blog has been a rough one for me to write. Mostly because in the past two months I've been confronted with several situations that up until just recently I've had a challenging time forgiving. And I'm not alone. Learning to forgive is a huge stumbling block in most people's lives.

Some have had more opportunities to forgive than others. And I say opportunities because choosing to forgive someone is making the choice to grow rather than staying stuck. I count myself as one of those that have been presented with plenty of opportunities where I had to make the choice to forgive rather than staying rooted in a state of anger, bitterness and hatred.

To be more accurate, forgiveness is not "A" choice but a series of choices that you make.

You choose not to seek revenge or fantasize about it. You choose not to talk badly about the person who hurt you or wish evil for them.

You choose to let go of your anger and not to feed upon it. Shedding anger takes time and practice, but you choose to move in that direction.

You choose to wish that person well.

If these choices seem impossible to you, you might start by choosing to pray for the person who wronged you. This has been especially powerful for me in a relationship with a co-worker.

Before I discovered the healing power of forgiveness, I was having trouble letting go enough to move forward -- I was still wrestling with demons in the night. There's a passage in the Bible that reads: "I will not let you go unless you bless me," (Gen. 32:27). A situation or person must be blessed with forgiveness if you want to be able to move on.

When I was brutually raped then left to die at the hands of a man I trusted, I eventually had to choose to forgive. I didn't want to live in a state of fear or carry my mistrust of men into future relationships.

Some days, just surviving alone was an excruciatingly frightening experience. I felt victimized, traumatized, and paralyzed. But most of all I felt helpless. It was only until I entered therapy that I realized that the power to change my situation was in my hands. And the first step was to forgive. Not only my rapist, but myself for making what I saw as a bad choice in a mate.

So what does it mean to forgive? Webster defines it as "to give up resentment against or the desire to punish; stop being angry with; to give up all claim to punish or exact penalty." If we are to forgive, then we must first surrender the right to get even. We then cease defining the one who hurt us in terms of the hurt that was caused. Keep in mind, there's nothing in Webster's definition about the need to reach approval of the injurer's actions: you can forgive your spouse's infidelity, for instance, without approving of that infidelity.

If we forgive, then we can also reach a point where we wish our injurers well; this act of forgiveness then becomes some kind of miracle. Forgiveness releases a mighty energy in the world that not only benefits you but also those you chose to forgive.

Forgiveness is also integral to letting go. We are bound to the people we cannot forgive. Holding even a small grudge takes up space in the soul and captures the energy needed for moving on. To bless the people who are our oppressors is the only way to heal the wounds they have inflicted and to break the chains that bind us to them," writes Elizabeth O'Connor in Cry Pain, Cry Hope.

Letting go means letting go of the resentment, pain, and hate that has probably been an important "driver" in getting you through whatever situation you're dealing with. However, holding on to negative feelings for too long will eventually consume you; draining your own internal resources and blocking your growth.

Being able to let go of negative feelings towards others is highly dependent on your ability to let go of negative feelings towards yourself. When you've developed the ability to let go of your own past mistakes and to acknowledge your humanness, it's almost magical how effortless it becomes to let go of the mistakes of others.

Forgiveness is the healing of wounds caused by another. You choose to let go of a past wrong and no longer be hurt by it. Forgiveness is a strong move to make, like turning your shoulders sideways to walk quickly on a crowded sidewalk.

Just as I said earlier. It's your choice. It's your move. Therein lies the power.

It really doesn’t matter if the person who hurt you deserves to be forgiven or even wants to be forgiven. They don't have to acknowledge any wrongdoing on their part. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. You have things to do and you want to move on.

In my most recent opportunities for choosing forgiveness, the unexplainable happened, I was betrayed but who I thought were friends and attacked by someone who knows absolutely nothing about me. They put my job, my relationship and most importantly my children in jeopardy. It was what I saw as an unforgiveable act of malicious destruction with no other intent other than to harm me and those who depended on me. But in Isaiah 54:17 states that no weapon that is formed against me shall prosper. And they didn't because I forgave all those involved. Furthermore Romans 8:28-32 tells us that "God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose". Believe me when I say God worked this situation out. Everyone in the situation will be called to task. That's just the way the universe works. And I have to trust that and forgive. I don't need to wait around and make sure that it happens because I know it will. I forgive and I move on.

I won't forget what happened but then you don't have to forget. You may not be able to forget. Forgiving has nothing to do with forgetting. Sometimes remembering is also an opportunity to learn. Forgiving is goodness in the middle of remembering.

Forgiveness does not always lead to a healed relationship. Some people are not capable of love, and it might be wise to let them go along with your anger. Wish them well, and let them go their way.

Whatever the outcome, know that the healing power of forgiveness serves to unleash the opportunity for the greatest good in your life.

Forigve and be well.

Going Through The Opening: Contracting Before Expanding

Sometimes our lives contract before they expand. We may be working hard on ourselves spiritually, doing good in the world, following our dreams, and wondering why we are still facing constrictions of all kinds-financial, emotional, physical. Perhaps we even feel as if we've lost our spirituality and are stuck in a dark room with no windows. We may be confused and discouraged by what appears to be a lack of progress. But sometimes this is the way things work. Like a caterpillar that confines itself to a tiny cocoon before it grows wings and flies, we are experiencing the darkness before the dawn.

When things feel tight, it's easy to panic or want to act in some way to ease the feeling of constriction. We might also spin our wheels mentally, trying to understand why things are the way they are. However, there is nothing we need to do at this time other than to be patient and persevering. We can cling to the awareness that we are processing the shift from one stage to another, and the more we surrender to the experience, the more quickly we will move through the tightness into the opening on the other side. Just like a baby making its way down the birth canal, we may feel squeezed and pushed and very uncomfortable, but if we remember that we are on our way to being born into a new reality, we will find the strength to carry on.

Even as we endure the contractions, we can find peace within ourselves if we remember to trust the universe. We can look to the natural world for inspiration as we see that all beings surrender to the process of being born. In that surrender, and in the center of our own hearts, is a willingness to trust in the unknown as we make our way through the opening.

Are You an Invisible Woman? -

There is no advantage to becoming invisible when you fall in love, marry, become a wife, mother, caretaker. Everyone loses: you, your spouse, your children, your friends. The disappearing act can happen subtly and may take a while. Then one day, you realize you don't know whom you are anymore.

Let's take a quick test. Here are 4 questions to ask yourself to check if you have lost yourself.



1. Do you say what you really mean?

Are you communicating from your heart, from your juicy self? Sometimes we can slip into a pattern of saying what is expected of us and what we say may not be what we really think or feel. You will know the difference when you pay attention to what you are communicating and whether it rings true to your beliefs and values, or not.

If you see that you are not saying what you really think and feel, pay attention first of all to who you are trying to please by speaking as you do. Listen closely to what it is that you would be saying if it were the genuine you speaking. Figure out what the costs are for not saying what you mean. Make a decision to change your approach and speak from your authentic self, the self you know you really are. When the signals and balance of cost begin to outweigh the price of not speaking your truth, you may need professional help to learn how to communicate fully.

2. Do you state a preference?

If you are asked what you would prefer, do you make a choice? Or, do you ask what the other party would prefer and defer to that choice as a rule? If you find that you defer to someone's preference fairly regularly, here is a suggestion. First of all, this is not an easy transition to make. Sometimes deferring to someone else's decision comes from not wanting the responsibility of having made the decision in case something goes wrong. Find the courage to make a choice when one is presented. When asked which restaurant you would like to go to, what you would like to do next, when you'd like to buy the next car, take a breath. Before you automatically answer, 'What do you think?', TAKE A BREATH. That breath will give you a pause time, a chance to either say, "let me think about that a minute," or to give an answer if you have one. It's OK to take time to answer. It's OK to let there be silence while you think.

Little by little with practice, you will see how satisfying it is to state a preference and be a part of the decision making process from a place of having made your desires known. There is always compromise and it is still important to have contributed what you have to offer, whether your choice is the one used or not.

3. Do you take the initiative?

When was the last time you made a suggestion to a friend or your family or your spouse about an idea or activity? Do you rely on everyone else to make a proposal about vacation places, buying choices, ways to spend group time? What are the things you really enjoy doing?

Spend some time remembering what makes your heart sing. When you remember, start to put plans into place for them to happen. Invite those whom you would enjoy sharing the activity with. Let people around you know what you have planned and what that feels like to you.

4. Do you take care of everyone else first?

It is not possible to take care of everyone else first and still have time to take care of you. By taking care of you, I mean include the aspects of living that bring meaning and fulfillment to you. By taking care of you, I mean giving yourself the opportunity and time to express your creative and imaginative self. Check to see if you like yourself underneath it all. A good way to avoid who you are is to be in continual service to everyone around you.

How to lose a job in 10 days

I spotted this article in one of my online groups and I had to share.

One of my favorite recent movies was How To Lose a Guy In 10 Days. I know it sounds like a bit of a "chic flick", but it's not. It is a hilarious movie about the more common things women do to turn men away in relationships. So in the spirit of fun, I chose to write this article in the same style of what NOT to do, but instead of relationships, this is about how to lose a job. So if you are interested in getting fired, or if you are interested in learning what NOT to do to keep your job, read on.

In today's job market, jobs are competitive and it is generally easier for employers to find good employees than for employees to find good jobs. If you are one of the persistent individuals that have made it into a position that you really enjoy, it is up to you to keep your job. If you are truly an asset to the company, the chances are that no recession, cutback, or takeover will cause you to lose your job. What will cause you to lose your job is doing one or more of the many things the average employee does every day. So here we go...

How to lose a job in 10 days (begin sarcasm)

Be irresponsible. Don't do things when you say you are going to do them, make promises and don't keep them, forget things, keep your schedule in your head, don't bother writing things down, and don't bother returning messages. After all, with so many starving children in the world, does it really matter that you miss a few assignments?

Don't listen. Just because your body has to be at an important meeting, it does not mean your mind has to be there. Drift off into la-la land where you are sunning on a tropical beach. Chances are someone else at the meeting was listening and you can ask them what it was about. If asked a direct question in the meeting, simply answer, "I'll have to get back to you on that one". It is a safe answer that will work about 80% of the time. The other 20% of the time just blame your irrelevant answer on some medication that you have recently taken.

Treat your co-workers with envy and resentment. Your co-workers are really all out to get you. It is a big conspiracy against you and only you. Everyone is talking about you behind your back. Those below you all want your job and those above you want to see someone else in your job.

Make excuses for everything. Buy a book on excuses and keep it handy. As long as you have a good excuse, you will never have to work another day in your life. Don't only play the blame game, but win it as well. Nothing is ever your fault, but even when you think it is, blame someone or something else.

Do the bare minimum. If your company really wanted you to do more than the bare minimum, they would pay you more. Do just what you think is enough not to get fired.
Lack self-confidence. When asked to do something say, "Are you serious?" or "I don't think I can do that". It is also a good idea to ask your boss at least once a day if they have any plans for letting you go.

Take your personal frustrations to work with you. Have problems on the homefront? Don't take it out on your family, take it out on your customers and co-workers instead. Chances are, they deserve it anyway.

Criticize everything. Nobody really knows anything at your company besides you. If everyone did things the way you think they should be done, everyone would be happy and the company would be perfect. Tell everyone how they should be doing their jobs, shoot down any ideas not proposed by you. If you do not like the way something is being done, tell everyone in the most negative way possible.
Maintain an unattractive personality. Be negative, never smile or laugh, don't be friendly to anyone unless there is something in it for you. Annoy people when you get the chance. Talk about your problems and all the evil in the world.
Despise your job. Follow the law of nature - leisure time is for fun and work time is for pain and boredom. If you do enjoy your job, you are really not working so you really should not be paid.

(end sarcasm)

Losing a job is not difficult; it is maintaining a job that is the challenge. However, with the right attitude and strong human relationship skills, you can have a greater sense of security in any job you choose. Just DON'T follow the advice above! :)

Bo Bennett
Author of "Year To Success"

Four Agreements You Need for Living a Life With Value

In his book "The Four Agreements," Don Miguel Ruiz distills the essence of Toltec wisdom into four principles for living a life of value:

1. Be impeccable with your word.
2. Don't take anything personally.
3. Don't make assumptions.
4. Always do your best.

How elegantly simple! But simple wisdom isn't common practice. While most of us believe we are impeccable with our word, we know others who are not. And most likely, others, from time to time, consider us far less than true with our word.

The Four Agreements are deceptively simple, yet difficult to apply. With practice, they're extremely effective, providing a way to experience inner peace and happiness.

Each agreement is self-directed. It's not about what you can do to change someone's behavior. Rather, these guides teach us how to respond appropriately to others' difficult behaviors and develop smoother relationships.

So, how do you apply these principles at work? Let's examine each one.

1. Be impeccable with your word. Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using words to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

2. Don't take anything personally. Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.

3. Don't make assumptions. Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness, and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

4. Always do your best. Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.

Practice

Become more mindful. The next time you begin to gossip, assume something or fail to clarify, stop yourself. If you sense you're taking something personally, back up and think before you speak. Ask yourself, "How can I make this situation better?"

Instead of trying to change another person, make an impact on someone you can really change: yourself.

SEPTEMBER 11th - FIVE YEARS LATER

This September 11th will mark five years since the terrorist attacks that killed 2,973 people at the World Trade Center, the Pentagon, and in Shanksville, Pennsylvania. The anniversary will be commemorated with events around the country, with the major events taking place in New York City, Washington, D.C., and Shanksville, the places where the four hijacked planes crashed. President Bush will visit all three of the attack sites on September 11th.

NEW YORK CITY
The ceremony will follow the same format as has been used in the previous four anniversaries since the attacks, except that this year the spouses, partners and significant others who lost a loved one will read the names of the 2,749 people who died at the World Trade Center. In the first year after the attacks, the list of names was read by politicians, dignitaries and some relatives, children of the dead read them in 2003, parents and grandparents of the victims took their turn in 2004, and last year siblings of those lost did the reading.

The program will begin at the Trade Center site with an introduction before the first pause for a moment of silence at 8:46 a.m., the moment the first plane hit the North Tower. Houses of worship throughout the city will toll their bells at the same time. The names of the dead will then begin to be read, while family members descend the ramp down into the site, where they'll be able to lay flowers. There will be three other moments of silence during the ceremony, pausing the reading of names, to mark when the second plane struck the South Tower at 9:03 a.m., when the first tower fell at 9:59 a.m., and when the second fell at 10:29 a.m.. After the reading of the names concludes, trumpeters from the New York Police Department and Fire Department will play "Taps" and there will be a final musical performance.

Later in the day, at dusk, the "Tribute in Light" -- twin beams of light shooting up into the sky -- will be illuminated nearby in lower Manhattan for one night. The Tribute in Light was first lit on March 11, 2002, the six-month anniversary of the attacks, and was lit up every night after that for one month. It has also been lit on attack anniversaries since then.

WASHINGTON, D.C.
The Pentagon will mark the anniversary beginning on September 9th, offering public tours that will include the site of the attack on the building in which 184 people were killed. The next day, on September 10th, the National "Freedom Walk" will begin at 6:30 p.m. on the National Mall and finish at the Pentagon with a tribute by opera singer Denyse Graves and an illumination ceremony. That ceremony will include 184 beams of light to commemorate each victim, and the lights will remain lit through September 11th. On the actual day of the attacks, there will be a Family Memorial Ceremony outside the Pentagon Mall Entrance that's closed to the public. That ceremony will begin at 9:30 a.m., just minutes before the moment that the plane struck at 9:37 a.m. Then, at 10 a.m., a Pentagon Employee Memorial Ceremony, also closed to the public, will take place in the Pentagon Auditorium.

SHANKSVILLE, PENNSYLVANIA
The ceremony at the Shanksville, Pennsylvania, field where one of the four planes crashed after passengers tried to fight the hijackers, will begin at 9:15 a.m. The names of the 40 passengers and crewmembers who died will be read after a moment of silence at 10:03 a.m., when the plane crashed. The Bells of Remembrance will also be rung during the reading of the names. Among those who'll speak at the ceremony will be former Pennsylvania Governor and First Secretary of Homeland Security Tom Ridge.

REBUILDING THE WTC SITE
Construction finally began in April on the 1,776-foot Freedom Tower at the World Trade Center site in Manhattan, after a redesign due to security concerns and four years of squabbling between developer Larry Silverstein, who'd owned the Twin Towers, and the Port Authority of New York and New Jersey, which owns the land. Under the agreement, Silverstein will build the Freedom Tower, but give it to the Port Authority once it's completed. He will also build three other smaller office towers on the site, which he'll keep, and the Port Authority will take over a nearby damaged building that will be rebuilt for residential use. There will also be a memorial, museum and cultural center at the site.

THE MEMORIALS

NEW YORK
Construction began in March on the World Trade Center Memorial, whose design, called "Reflecting Absence," by architect Michael Arad, was chosen in 2004 from more than 5,200 entries. The memorial will mark the fallen Twin Towers with voids in their original footprints, each holding a pool of water filled by waterfalls on all sides. The pools will be surrounded by a forest of oak trees at street level. The memorial is scheduled to be completed in September 2009.

PENTAGON
Construction began in June on the Pentagon's memorial, which is due to be finished in September 2008. Located on the west lawn of the Pentagon, it will include 184 metal benches, one for each victim, sitting above reflecting pools of water amid dozens of maple trees. The benches will be organized in a timeline of the victims' ages, ranging from 3-year-old Dana Falkenberg to 71-year-old John Yamnicky. Of the 184 people killed in the attack, 125 were in the Pentagon and 59 were passengers and crew members on the plane.

SHANKSVILLE, PENNSYLVANIA
The winning design was chosen last September for the memorial to the victims of Flight 93. Among the features of the 2,000-acres memorial site is the Tower of Voices at the entrance containing 40 metallic wind chimes, one for each of the passengers and crew members who died. Pedestrian trails and a roadway will lead to the centerpiece of the memorial called the Bowl, a natural, circular land formation that will be surrounded by groves of Red and Sugar Maple trees and include the actual crash site, where there will be a white marble wall inscribed with the 40 names of the dead. Construction is set to begin in 2008, with a targeted opening date of September 2011, the 10-year anniversary of the attacks.

Picture, Passion, Plan

I came across an interesting formula for success and I thought I would share. And as always most of the advice to achieving anything is based on plain old fashioned common sense. Picture where you want to be, have the passion to propel you and a plan to make it easier to get there.

All the great motivational speakers and marketers talk about making a clear picture for yourself of what you would like to be, what you would like to have, what you would like to share with others. They say that you need to be able to feel it, smell it, take it in fully through your mind’s eye. Great spiritual writers say that all you will ever need, you already have within your mind.

Instead, many of us focus on what we do not have, and what we are not achieving in our lives. Metaphysical writers say that by maintaining that kind of focus, we simply attract more of this into our lives. They write that the opposite is also true: that by focusing on what we want, what we hope for, what we believe is ours to achieve, we actually attract more of it into our lives. These writers use the "mirror" concept, saying that what you put out is what you get back. Great athletes prove the truth of this. Over and over we hear about how Tiger Woods, Lance Armstrong, and Michelle Kwan visualized themselves as winning. We would never have heard of these world-class champions if they pictured themselves as failing. Get where I'm going with this? "Seeing" where you want to be is the first step to getting there.

Then add passion to the formula. You need powerful passion to keep your picture in front of you. Feed that passion. The best food is to attain a part of the picture each day or week or month. Put your goal on a schedule and refuse to be discouraged. And when you do take a step, praise yourself. Share your passion with advisors who will respect your trust and add positive energy, encouragement and good ideas to help you maintain your passion. You need all the passion you can muster to drown out the negative voice that lives in your head and work to discourage your forward direction. Your negative voice may tell you that you are not smart enough, not prepared enough, don’t know enough, don't deserve what you hope for, can never be "one of the lucky ones". Only passionate desire in combination with a clear picture can overcome the counter productive thoughts.

Finally, you plan. Your personal plan is just that a plan, a blueprint, a map. Start with the end in mind. What do you really want? What have you got that you can use to get there? What else do you need to get to achieve what you want? How do you PLAN to get that? A plan is simply a map of where you are and where you want to go. A solid plan can be a handwritten set of papers or a sophisticated electronic file. It may include financial, physical, technical, mental and spiritual elements. Having a plan gives you written proof that you know where you want to go and you know how you're going to get there.

When you implement these three components, picture, passion and plan, success is imminent.

A long, lazy weekend? I think not.

The original plan was to just enjoy the weekend implementing the strategy of the three r's. Rest, relax and read! I mean after all it's Labor Day weekend, right? For me Labor Day is just an excuse to eat some really good barbque and be LAZY!

But you know what they say about the best laid plans ........

Just as I was lining up my reading agenda, my assistant sent over my To Do List with no less than three deadlines for projects next week. Ok, so maybe a little less reading - I can live with that. I'll block off a few hours to take care of business sometime on Saturday and knock it out.

Then my sister had the BRIGHT idea that we should clean my parent's house for them while they are on vacation. OK, I'm down with that - just won't get to sleep in Saturday morning as planned. Well, there is always Sunday and Monday, right?

Scratch Sunday. Forgot I was in charge of teaching Sunday School. Oops, also forgot to prepare the lesson. There goes Saturday afternoon.

Then my sister calls back. Her son has a football game so she won't be able to follow through with her bright idea but wouldn't it be nice if I still go clean. Sure thing, Big Sis. Tack on another two hours of manual labor to my Saturday morning and switch my work schedule to Monday.

Hmmmmmm, are you still with me?

Needless to say, there's going to be a lot more LABOR than I planned on and a lot less of the three R's. But I guess it's somewhat appropriate given the name of the holiday.

Just so you know:

Labor Day is a national legal holiday that is over 100 years old. Over the years, it has evolved from a purely labor union celebration into a general "last fling of summer" festival.

It grew out of a celebration and parade in honor of the working class by the Knights of Labor in 1882 in New York. In 1884, the Knights held a large parade in New York City celebrating the working class. The parade was held on the first Monday in September. The Knights passed a resolution to hold all future parades on the same day, designated by them as Labor Day.

The Socialist Party held a similar celebration of the working class on May 1. This date eventually became known as May Day, and was celebrated by Socialists and Communists in commemoration of the working man. In the U.S., the first Monday in September was selected to reject any identification with Communism.

In the late 1880's, labor organizations began to lobby various state legislatures for recognition of Labor Day as an official state holiday. The first states to declare it a state holiday in, 1887, were Oregon, Colorado, New York, Massachusetts, and New Jersey. Then in 1894, Congress passed a law recognizing Labor Day as an official national holiday.

Today, Labor Day is observed not only in the U.S. but also in Canada, and in other industrialized nations. While it is a general holiday in the United States, its roots in the working class remain clearer in European countries.

It has come to be recognized in the U.S. not only as a celebration of the working class, but even more so as the unofficial end of the summer season. In the northern half of the U.S. at least, the summer vacation season begins with Memorial Day and ends with Labor Day.

Enough of the history lesson. I have a grill that needs to be cleaned!

AND while I'm making my list, I'm also going to do some last minute school shopping. And I'm throwing a party for my oldest son Tyler who officially starts school on Wednesday. Yes, it's only pre school but it's school none the less and we are celebrating the beginning of his educational journey. And being the proud (and anal) mommy that I am - I started a blog to commemorate his school years. You can always stop by:An Educational Journey

Soooooooo what are your plans for labor day weekend? :)

ON A MORE PERSONAL NOTE ......

Normally the posts I use here are taken from my weekly columns in the Chicago Defender. I decided to do something different today. Correction: I NEEDED to do something different today. I needed to vent.

I was asked a question after giving a motivational speech recently that I've never been asked before.

"Who are you to talk about overcoming something? What could possible be wrong in your life. You're Nikki Woods!"

Excuse me????? Didn't know I had to show my bullet wounds to prove that I've been through some thangs and qualify me to stand before someone and talk about being successful despite the challenges that life may bring.

That's what I wanted to say. But I didn't. Instead I smiled, took her by the hand and squeezed it. I looked in her eyes and instantly what the problem was. She wasn't mad at me. No, this sister was mad at a life that had dealt her more than her share of bad hands. I understood it because I've been there. More than once and will probably go there again. And having been there, I knew better than to take someone's harsh words personally. 9 times out of 10 it's misdirected.

I also didn't take it personally because it wasn't about me. It was about "Nikki Woods" and all this woman took that to mean. People have probably looked at you and made certain assumptions about what they see on the surface. That doesn't mean they know anything about what's going on inside of you.

I don't think there is anything about me that makes me more qualified than anyone else to talk about "overcoming" difficult situations. I think everyone has overcome something. I'm just know what my talents are. Even the rich, beautiful and talented goes through things. Look at Halle Berry.

It's what you learn from what you've been through.

Life is not about Hills or Valleys - either you're up or you're down - but more like a long stretch of railroad tracks with the good and not so good running side-by-side. Everything is not going to be all good in one minute and then all bad the next. I'm sure you too have experienced that.

I know a lot of people that are trying to navigate some choppy waters, myself included and maybe you are too.

Life is not always like it appears to be. Sometimes it's not even close.

And that's ok. Because it's not all bad. There's a golden light shining somewhere in the murk.

I freely admit that I am emerging from a storm, that left me beautifully broken, stronger in my faith and zeal for life. I also emerge with a lesson. I'm a very private person and tend to become more so when life threatens to overwhelm me; protecting myself with isolation; wrapped in a bow of solitude. I always thought it was easier for me to figure it out, deal with it and then move on. Not so in this situation. On one hand I had my beloved support system throwing me life jacket while the haters were trying to poke more holes in my boat. My natural instinct was to hunker down and ride it out. But through the darkness, through the hail, my golden light was right there just beaming down on me, refusing to be ignored, refusing to be shut out. And for once, I did it differently.

Your support system is there for a reason. I knew that. But what I discovered it that your haters also serve a purpose. In the song Motivation, TI urges the "haters to get on their job" describing them as motivation.

And they are: if you keep them in perspective. I'm used to haters, anyone who is doing anything with their life will have them. If you're in the spotlight - they are automatic. To me, having haters is a very good indication that you're doing something right with your life. And believe me, they are easy to spot. They whisper, gossip, sometimes tell outright lies. They make assumptions, lecture and try to throw monkey wrenches in your good thing. They discourage, manipulate, and preach. In short - they cause unnecessary drama. BUT ... they also build character, strengthen your faith muscle and motivate! They don't mean too. They don't want too. But they do, if you keep them in perspective.

I hardly ever mention "haters". I have too many other things going to on to waste energy on such things. But I thought it was important to at least bring it up once because when you're facing a challenge they seem to converge like a pack of roached when the light goes off. And if you're not firmly planted on your path, they may cause you to falter. They may cause you to take a step back. But rest assured, they do not have the power to stop you.

Special Shout Out to all the "Closet Haters" who seem to think that their cloak of anonymity will shield them from the negative energy that KARMA is guaranteed to always send back their way. Not so, Kemosabi. Not only will it come back, but it returns with twice the strength in which it was sent out.

SMH! (That's "smiling hard" for those of you not up on the internet lingo.) I feel much better now.

I bless all of you on your journey (especially the haters) and thank you for letting me vent.

The Value Of You

For some school has started, for other it's on the way. It was a busy graduation season for me and I always appreciate the chance to talk and mentor the young adults through my commencement speeches. This year in particular my messages have been centered around recognizing the value each of us has as unique human beings.

I realize that when I stand in front of room full of students that there are future CEOs, doctors, entertainments, maybe even the president sitting there. It's exciting to see the potential right before my eyes even if they don't see it in themselves.

With that in mind, in the beginning of my speech, I paraphrase this well known story:

A well known speaker started off his seminar by holding up a $20 dollar bill in a room of 200 people. He asked the group, "Who wants this $20 dollar bill?" Of course hands started going up.

Next, he crumpled the $20 dollar bill and asked, "Who still wants it?" The hands remained up in the air.

"Well," he replied, "what if I do this?" He dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe. He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty and asked, "Now who wants it?" Still the hands remained in the air.

"My friends, you have all learned a valuable lesson. No matter what I do to this $20 dollar bill, you still want it because it doesn't decrease in value. It's still worth $20.

Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances we're in.

And it doesn't matter where you are in life - this can affect anyone.

We may feel worthless; but remember that no matter what happens you will never lose your value."

This illustration is a good reminder that we are valuable and we are valued by those who love us.

Sometimes we may feel crumpled and worthless; but the tough times we go through make us stronger, better people.

If we never experience hurt or frustration, how can we ever know when things are really good? And how can we ever really appreciate those good times?

The answer is that we can't.

And let's make an import distinction. We hear a lot about teens suffering from low self-esteem. Self-value is very different from self-esteem. Self-value is what you are born with. As one of the creations of the universe you are worthwhile and have value, which cannot be taken from you. You can't lose it, but you can lose sight of it. You can forget your value. Self-esteem may go up or down depending upon what's happening to you. Self-esteem is changeable. Self-value is not. Don't ever forget your value.

But if there are ups and downs, remember to look for possible opportunities that result from that experience. Napoleon Hill, author of Think and Grow Rich, says "every adversity, every failure and every heartache carries with it the seed of an equivalent or a greater benefit." Look for the opportunity and the benefit. Life in and out of school is full of potential learning moments. Take advantage of them.

Even without struggle though, life is made up of a series of transitions; with the end of each phase bringing about the beginning of another. Each transition with its own challenges; challenges that may make you feel crumpled or worthless.

But just like the dirty $20 bill your value as a person never decreases.

So to the students, I say congratulations on a job well done! Be proud of your accomplishments and of the fact that the struggles you may have had over the past few years have made you a stronger person today. Know that no one can take away your value as a person and as in the words of former first lady, Eleanor Roosevelt, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Good luck next year and remember dirty or clean, crumpled or creased, you are priceless to those who love you.

IT IS WHAT IT IS

I received an email from a friend the other day. In his short opening paragraph he said, "Guess I want to know whether or not I'm the only one feeling like things are challenging these days for the whole... or is it just me? Ever feel like this can't be it? That there has to be more happiness shortly coming? Guess I'm kinda feeling like this is as good as it gets. I know I wrong, but?"

My response was even shorter: "If you know you're wrong then what's the 'but' for?" Sounds a bit harsh but I guess it was my form of a reality check. In my mind's weird way of working in any given moment - it is as good as it gets. It may not be the way you want it or the way you think it should be - but at that particular point in time, it REALLY is as good as it gets. And if you don't feel things are the way you desire them to be, ask yourself a question - "are you doing the best that you can?" Stop and really think about it. How many times do you take on a project or get into something and really give it your best? Are do you often just skate by, only giving a percentage of your skill, effort and energy. How often do you really try to be your best and wish the best for others - even those you've just met?

My fifth grade teacher used to say it all the time. "All I expect is for you to do your best because at the end of the day that's really all you can do."

In a perfect world everyone would put their best foot forward every single day. Think about how different things would be.

But in reality, most people don't always put their best foot forward unless they really have to. Most don't try to be their best and a large number don't always wish the best for people.

But if you forced yourself to perform at your best, and wished the best for people at all times you would simply get the best in return.

By being at your best you attract and meet positive, supportive people who respect you and enjoy your company and give you the best they have to offer.

By being your best you attract the best in every situation, you attract the best outcomes and you attract the right people.

Why?

Because when you are at your best you exude the right energy that draws the best people, situations and circumstances to help you achieve greater success in all areas of your life.

This means that you don't get caught up in what other people think about you. You don't get caught up in success the way the society defines it. Instead you focus on being the best possible person you can.

Let's face it - you simply won't be able to please all of the people all of the time.

So don't waste time and energy trying to please everybody - focus on being your best and you'll attract the best.

Start by focusing on what you like about yourself. Think of all the positive qualities that you have and everyday compliment yourself for the positive qualities that you have.

When you do this - you focus on your best qualities, which naturally pushes you to be your best.

You are a unique human being - there's no one else like you - no one and that automatically makes you the best.

Now you just have to believe it.

24 THINGS A SISTA SHOULD NEVER APOLOGIZE FOR

Someone forwarded me these in an email and it is the first list that I actually really liked so I thought I'd share. I'd love to hear any others that you may want to add. I have a few but I'll save mine for later. Also, is there one you DON'T agree with? I have one of those too. I'll also save it for later. :)

1. Never apologize for pursuing what makes you happy. Even if you need to quit your job, transfer schools, or move across country, always do what you really want.

2. Never apologize for using proper English. Keeping it real doesn't mean you have to speak Ebonics.

3. Never apologize for giving your best in a relationship that just didn't work out.

4. Never apologize for being successful. Only haters want to keep you at their level.

5. Never apologize for crying. Wear waterproof mascara and express yourself.

6. Never apologize for ten pounds you need to lose. People who truly care about you will accept you as you are.

7. Never apologize for being frugal. Just because you save your money instead of blowing it on the latest fashion emergency doesn't mean
you're cheap.

8. Don't apologize for being a single Mom. Babies are a blessing.

9. Never apologize for treating yourself to something special. Sometimes you have to show yourself some appreciation.

10. Never apologize for leaving an abusive relationship. Your safety should always be a priority.

11. Never apologize for keeping the ring even if you did not get married.

12. Never apologize for setting high standards in a relationship. You know what you can tolerate and what simply gets on your nerves.

13. Never apologize for saying NO.

14. Never apologize for wearing a weave or braids. You bought it so it's yours.

15. Never apologize to your new friends about old friends. There's a reason she's been your girl from day one.

16. Never apologize for ordering dessert or more than one dessert.

17. Never apologize for dating outside your race. Just because you found Mr. Right across the color line doesn't mean you don't love your brothas.

18. Never apologize for demanding respect. You are to always be treated as a queen.

19. Never apologize for not knowing how to cook. Even if you can't burn like Grandma you know how to order good take out. (Right Girl!)

20. Never apologize for your taste in clothes. It's your style.

21. Never apologize for changing your mind, it is your prerogative.

22. Never apologize for making a decision from your heart, even if others don't agree. You have to live with the consequences not them.

23. Never apologize for making more money than your man, you work hard
and you deserve to get paid.

24. Never apologize for being you! "KEEP YOUR HEAD UP AND KEEP MOVING FORWARD"

Fast Food Society

For as long as I can remember, I've had this love/hate relationship with food. I've been on every diet known to man and some that haven't even been discovered yet. I'm impatient in almost everything I do and that's a really annoying trait to have when you're trying to lose weight. And yes I know I didn't gain it overnight but I want to lose it yesterday.

So this has been the hardest part for me to get; trusting the process and allowing my body to do what it's supposed too. I am so focused on seeing immediate results that I don't look past the short term. But when it comes to your health it's not about the right now but the long term.

And to ensure that I have the right tools, I have assembled a team of experts. You can learn about them and my journey to understanding my relationship with food at http://millionpoundchallenge.blogspot.com. They give weekly updates on fitness and nutrition then I throw in my two cents.

Here are this weeks contributions:

Personal trainer Kevin King asks the question, "What are your workout goals? In other words, how much time can you realistically devote to a workout program? The most important element in answering this question is to be brutally honest. We want everything. A beautiful and healthy body, a satisfying love life, a fulfilling career, loyal friends etc. Be patient, you can't have everything all at once. You want a great body and you want it now. Make realistic goal, unrealistic goals set you up for failure. Your ultimate vision for fitness and wellness must be a lifelong process. Working out does not have to be dreadful; it can become a natural part of you day. You and your body are together for life."

According to nutritionist "Michael Michaelangelo" Bance, "burning body fat through exercise can be accomplished in various ways. However, the best way to is to first start with your nutrition. Individuals who take at least 500 of milligrams of Vitamin C actually burn 39 percent more fat during exercise? You can derive vitamin C from foods such as Oranges, Apricots, Strawberries, Melons and Tomatoes. Avoid training with low levels of Vitamin C, because this impedes your body's ability to use fat as energy. The best way to boost your Vitamin C intake is through supplements such as Buffered C 500."

Michael Bance can be contacted through his website at www.stallionapplefarm.com and Kevin King can be reached at http://www.myspace.com/greatbodyking. He offers free consultation for your first visit.

So with Michael and Kevin, things are slowly sinking in. I'm stubborn and hard-headed but if you continue to do what you've always done then you'll get what you've always gotten. I'm starting to understand the "process" and appreciate the journey. I'm at the beginning but I am prepared for the long haul. How about you?

Travel and Human Nature

I must admit; mentally I was not prepared for my trip to New York. There wasn't anything particularly wrong it's just that I really wanted to stay home, spend time with my children, read a good book, soak in the hot tub – things I really enjoy. I wasn't looking forward to the long lines, security checks, hotel room stays and rude travelers that accompany most business trips. Follow me, because I'm trying to set the scene. I admit to already being off balance before I arrived at the airport so I am fully prepared to concede that I might have been a tad bit sensitive and predisposed to irritation. But then again, maybe it's just everyone else that happened to be flying between O'Hare and LaGuardia airports last weekend that's crazy. I even spotted our very own editor, Roland S. Martin looking a little disheveled.

So I have compiled a list of my five biggest complaints about what folks do while traveling: (drum roll please)

1. Folks who can't control their kids - I understand that they are just children. I have two of my own. The flight is boring and they need to be entertained. I get it. But to let them act like wild banshees at 30 thousand feet in the air is just totally unacceptable. Look either let me put that rug rat in one of the overhead luggage bins or let me order him a double jack and coke so we both can take a nap.

2. Folks who crowd the baggage carousel - Is it really that serious that you get your luggage off before anyone else that you practically cause a stampede? And have you noticed, it's usually the folks with the worst luggage? You should wait until the entire airport clears out to grab that junk. And for those of you, who can't seem to keep your kids off the belt, please reread complaint number one.

3. Folks who stand up before the plane comes to a complete stop then hold up the line - It's simple, just follow instructions. When the plane stops, grab your stuff and move on. Don't stop and turn around and discuss the landing with the folks behind you. Don't ask questions about the weather. Save your conversation for the terminal. I'm trying to get to baggage claim first. Note to self: re-read complaint number two.

4. Folks who stand behind the check-in desk - What are you typing? Look, I know my first and last names have exactly ten letters between them. Why is it that you type for a full minute after I give you my identification? I know security measures have been increased but last time I checked I didn't have TERRORIST stamped across my Illinois's driver's license. Another note to self: Next time, leave the hand grenade at home.

5. Folks who designed the airplane bathrooms - Who exactly is the airplane bathroom made to fit? If you are over 5'8 and any wider than a brochure, then you are plain out of luck. I can sit on the toilet and wash my feet in the sink. This is like using a washroom in a phone booth. And don't even get me started about the lines of women waiting in line to use it. Just a suggestion: Please go while I'm waiting for the people who are talking instead of exciting the plane. Thank you.


Disclaimer: no animals or children were harmed in the making of this column but I did emotionally scar a flight attendant.

I Am NOT My Hair

"Good hair is the kind of hair that stays on your head," is often what I say in response to any kind of hair discussion, unless of course, you are bald by choice and proud of it. Michael Jordan is an excellent example of that.

Unfortunately "good" hair versus "bad" hair, the debate - often heated and always charged - continues. "Good" hair normally describing hair that is close to the texture of a white person's hair and "bad" hair referring to the extremely curly hair that is also referred to as kinky or nappy. I was reminded of the insecurities and inconsistencies of the issues that black women have with our hair during a conversation I overheard in a local Starbucks. Apparently Latte and Locks; Pastries and Press n' Curls were on the menu that day.

In the eye of the story was a women who hadn't been hired for a job because of her twisted hairstyle. Last time I checked braids and other natural styles were often associated with socially conscious and self-confident black people, the kind who would fit nicely in corporate settings that like to say diversity is a priority. But companies tend not to hire them, and black people with those hairstyles tend to gravitate toward work that's necessarily non-corporate. Yet surely we have all earned the right to wear our hair as we please.

Not so says one popular public figure. Mablean Ephriam, the black TV judge from Fox's popular "Divorce Court" - who says she lost her contract this year partly because of irreconcilable hair differences with the company - perhaps said it best in a slightly bitter parting statement that concluded with a quote from Maya Angelou: "And still I rise." Do you think she was talking about her hair?

Also consider this: A Louisiana sheriff said this month that anyone on the streets in dreadlocks "can expect to be getting a visit from a sheriff's deputy" because a murder suspect answering that description remained at large. In April, Susan L. Taylor, the editorial director of Essence magazine, canceled a campus speech when she discovered the college forbids its students to wear "unusual" hairstyles - including braids, which are Taylor's signature look. This was significant because the college was Hampton University, one of the nation's oldest historically black campuses. Then it was discovered that Black Enterprise magazine had a similar ban for student interns. Talk about adding insult to injury.

But not only is it an emotional issue, it's an economic one as well. African-Americans spend billions of dollars every year on their hair, whether on wigs and extensions, moisturizers and relaxers, curling irons and hot combs, sheens and gels, scalp and follicle conditioners, shampoos and lotions, or cocoa butter and other oils. In fact, although blacks comprise only 10% of the U.S. population, it is estimated that they consume over three-quarters of the country's hair care products. No wonder Koreans and Egyptians have moved into our neighborhoods at such an alarming rate. They know a lucrative market when they see one.

But while they've moved in - the majority of us have remained stuck, rooted (no pun intended) in old fashioned ideals and shaky self esteem issues relating to our texture of hair.

Think about it: when a song entitled, "I am not my hair" is considered controversial to sing in 2006 - we've still got a long way to go.

I Don't Ever Want To Get A Job!

I know it sounds weird but it's true. I don't want a job. I worked a job once and determined two weeks into it that I never wanted to work one again. And before you even ask the question, of course I have bills to pay, children to feed and me to spoil which all requires money.

Of course I had to make certain sacrifices. I went back to school to get a degree forcing myself back into poverty but I loved every minute of it. I loved that I was actively participating in pursuing my passion. It's a decision that has never brought one ounce of regret. There was no room for regrets because I was totally engrossed in following my designated path in life. I had found my passion. My true calling.

So I ask you: have you found your true calling? The reason you're alive. Your personal mission in life. Your passion. Your TRUE Calling.

If you don't have a clue what I'm talking about, take a couple seconds to complete this quick quiz:

1. Are you doing EXACTLY the kind of work that makes you want to leap out of bed each morning excited to begin a new day?

2. Does your work satisfy a need deep within to express yourself, your talents, your values, your unique and precious gifts?

3. Does your work allow for a balanced life - one that leaves time for family and friends, for exercise or hobbies, for you?

4. Are you doing what you love and loving what you do?

If you answered "yes" to all of these questions, congratulations! There's a good chance that you have achieved what the Buddhist's call "Right Livelihood."

If you haven't yet found the work you were meant to do, then you're merely passing the time, just existing. Because when you find that calling that is uniquely yours, your life will be transformed on all levels. Guaranteed.

"The way to find out about your happiness," said renowned mythology scholar Joseph Campbell, "is to keep your mind on those moments when you feel most happy, when you are really happy - not excited, not just thrilled, but deeply happy."

Now ask yourself how you feel each day as you get ready for work. Do you hit your snooze button on your alarm clock two or three times before you get out of bed. Do you then drag yourself out of bed, dreading another day at a job that's high on stress, short on satisfaction and even shorter on money? Because when you really love your job you don't need an alarm clock because you can't wait to get out of bed and dive into another day where your work feels more like play. Now that is not to say that you won't ever face a challenge or have issues even after you've found your passion - because you will. But when you're focused on your goals and happy about where you are in life, you meet those challenges with a different energy and understanding.

Now just a note about monetary rewards you're your passion: When you find your passion, the money will follow. It's a given. You may not be "rich" but you have more respect for a paycheck when you don't feel as if you've slaved to get it. A mentor of mine once told me, "When you stop working for money - money works for you." Believe me, it makes all the difference in the world.

It's the difference between a job and your passion!

All I Ever Did Was Love A Man

"All I Ever Did Was Love A Man" was the name of the book that was chosen as the July selection for one of my book clubs. I read it in less than three hours over the Fourth of July weekend. The debut novel by Dr. Sharon Denise Allison-Ottey is part-fiction, part self-help novel that educates readers on the reality of AIDS.

The main character, Sabrena, had a challenging search for love until a doctors' visit changed her life completely. After learning she contracted AIDS, Sabrena starts the painful process of informing her love ones and confronting the man she suspects passed the virus to her. Real-life lessons of true love, courage and friendship inspire Sabrena's acceptance of her fate.

The book is filled with enlightening information about AIDS including a lot of misconceptions. With an alarming number of AIDS cases stemming from the African-American and Latino communities, this novel is a must-read for those uneducated about this epidemic. While the author contends the character of "Sabrena" is loosely based on a former patient, she saw many "Sabrena's" live and triumph with AIDS.

I was moved by the article but was so busy with holiday activities that Sabrena's plight quickly left my mind.

The very next day I read a magazine article about Chanya, a mother in her 30s trying to raise four children. She does not fit the typical profile of a person living with AIDS. She is not a man who has sex with men; she is not a prostitute; she does not use IV drugs. She has engaged in no behavior at all that is high risk for AIDS, except for one - she got married. Her husband, tragically, did engage in high-risk behavior: he had unprotected sex outside his marriage. After acquiring HIV, he passed it on to Chanya. Now her greatest fear is that her children will be orphans.

So I googled the phrase, "married women living with AIDS" and was floored by the amount of links popped up. There were pages and pages of websites filled with stories of women who are now living with a life threatening illness when all they did was marry a man and expect him to remain faithful. Talk about being blindsided. As I read on, I became even more dismayed to see the number of single women who are also contracting HIV/AIDS from boyfriends, one night stands, booty calls, etc. When asked why they didn't protect themselves, the responses varied from "he didn't look like he had AIDS" to "I never thought this could happen to me" but the overwhelming response was "because I loved him."

And it made me think. I've been in love before - with two men in my lifetime and I can remember doing some pretty stupid things but I've never not used protection no matter how crazy about the person I was. That is until I got married.

But things have obviously changed and the stakes are much higher. Lives are on the line now. In fact, your life could be in jeopardy so your feelings for another person are no longer a cute or valid reason not to request that your intimate partner not "cover up". And if they don't want to, then you should probably rethink the relationship.

It's that simple.

The Million Pound Mission

If weight loss and living a healthier lifestyle is a challenge for you - join the club. Literally. The Fat club that is, because Chicago has earned the dubious honor of being the nation's fattest city, according to Men's Fitness magazine.

The city often has ranked near the top of the fattest list - it was No. 5 last year. But it catapulted to the highest spot in 2006 because it has the "survey's worst workout environment" according to Men's Fitness editor Neal Boulton. The article also cited Chicagoans' love of television and lack of exercise as a contributing factor.

And for African Americans specifically, the consequences of being in poor health are even more detrimental.

So to combat the rising statistics of obesity and health issues, The Chicago Defender has issued a hefty challenge to all of Chicagoland to take back their power and get fit by losing a million pounds in one year.

This health and fitness initiative entitled The Million Pound Challenge is designed to encourage Chicago’s African Americans to lose weight and increase physical fitness through developing healthy diet and exercise habits. They, along with UniCare will do this by hosting a number of citywide workout days, health seminars, free cooking classes and town hall meetings.

It's been one week since the kick off and I decided to take today's column to evaluate where I'm at now and where I realistically want to be in a year. The last part is easier to answer. Obviously, I want to be at my best, as I'm sure most of us do. But being in my thirties, with a hectic schedule and two toddler boys makes that more of a challenge than it ever has been before. Add in that I don't like exercise or healthy foods, and the challenge of being healthy seems insurmountable. So as to where I'm at now – quite frankly, it's probably in the worst shape of my life.

And because of that - I'm publicly taking the challenge. Not only to better the quality of my life but to hopefully encourage others to do the same. For the next year, I'll be dedicating one column a month to talk about ways to get on track, stay there and probably end up sharing way more about my own personal struggles with weight loss than I ever have before. But it's a good thing because today I am claiming success for us all.

Eating well is one of the most important things you can do to fight cancer, diabetes, heart disease and stroke. Physical activity can also reduce your risk of chronic disease, aid in balance and coordination, help you lose weight - even improve your sleep habits and self-esteem. When you consider the benefits, we really have no choice but to get better at being both.

So start today by eating at least 5 servings of fruits and vegetables a day, incorporating more whole grains in your diet, selecting healthier fats such as monounsaturated and polyunsaturated oils, reducing your meal portions and moving at least three times a week. Also, monitor your progress to see what works for you and what doesn't by writing your food intake and exercise achievements in a journal.

I will be keeping an online http://millionpoundchallenge.blogspot.com/ where I will share helpful tips from nutritionists and personal trainers from across Chicago. Also for more information or to register for the Million Pound Challenge, visit chicagodefender.com or call (312) 225-2400 ext. 111.

It's time to make Chicago the fittest city in the nation and we have a year to do it!

Is Sisterhood A Dying Art?

Why can't black women get along? This is a question that always seems to spark a heated debate but yields no real answers. These days, the phrases "she's just a hater" or "she brings too much drama" get thrown around as often as "good morning". "Hating" seems to have turned into some sort of sport and fortunately I didn't get the memo. We can be the most hateful, mean spirited witches in the world to each other and most times it's for no reason at all. We don't speak to each other in the street and if you dare smile or say hello in passing, some will reciprocate but others give you looks like you've just stolen their last dollar or slept with their man. We work overtime to tear each other down, downplay their dreams, and dogging their man when we should be each other's greatest support system. Who else understands that uniqueness and peculiarities of being a woman than another woman?

Let me say this, I'm sure women in different ethnic groups have the same problems but I notice the drama more so in the African American community than others.

And that concerns me. But what concerns me more is if we as adult women can't get along, then how are we going to teach our daughters, nieces, goddaughters, etc. the importance of the female bond. What kind of legacy are we leaving?

Sisterhood, self-knowledge, self-development and self-esteem - the four empowerment principles of Sisterhood Agenda, Inc. - were the elements that founder and executive director Angela D. Coleman saw lacking in young sisters when she started the organization in 1994. Not surprisingly, Coleman sited lack of self-esteem as the primary at the root of the many challenges that black women face. She went on to say that we as a sacred sisterhood needed to tackle our lack of self-esteem sooner rather than later because the consequences of letting it fester are too far reaching to comprehend.

So now that we know, what do we do about it?

I think most of us would agree that we don't always feel as confident about our appearance or capabilities as we should. But instead of taking responsibility to work on ourselves we turn our frustrations and anger into a ball and viscously hurl it at another woman. Bottom line, women need to stretch beyond their insecurities and issues and just get our existence together. The only way to overcome is to embrace our whole selves, including our faults and issues. We've got to develop a well of self-love and respect otherwise, the drama will continue and life's too short to entertain such pointless negativity.

When a woman loves and respects herself, she becomes unstoppable. When we combine forces with another woman of the same mentality, we would have more women owned businesses, healthier children, more stable marriages - all which will translate into a better world.

So smile when you pass each other in the street. If you don't - you could be passing up an opportunity not only to make yourself feel better but to also set a positive precedent for generations to come!

Depression Stop Progression

I'm not sure if it was a phrase I coined or I'd just heard it somewhere along the way and adopted it as my own but "Depression stops progression" has become my mantra. I'd yell if from the rooftops if I could but I'm scared of heights. I'm very familiar with murky depths of depression and how difficult it is keep your head above water. When you're struggling to keep your head above water it's hard to be productive. "Depression stops progression".

Years ago when mom suggested that I might be suffering from clinical depression, I was offended. Her comment fell like an accusation, one that attacked the very core of who I am as a Black woman. I was on my way to Howard Univeristy with a big suitcase filled with the intentions of of conquering the world. I felt as if I couldn't be stopped. Sure I'd experienced more than my fair share of sleepless nights and moments of fear and anxiety. I thought it was normal. But when my mom forced me to look at my life, I had to admit that sadness outweighed joy. Still in my mind, that didn't mean I was depressed. I was concerned. I was worried. And when measured, my hardships were nothing in comparison with those that generations of Black women before me had faced. I dismissed them as part of life. But after being raped my sophmore year in college, I became so debilitated I could hardly get out of bed in the mornings. The crisis forced me to acknowledge that I was, indeed, depressed. And I wasn't alone.

According to the National Women's Health Information Center, about 16 percent of African-American women experience clinical depression at least once during their lives. But this figure fails to reflect the large number of sisters who suffer from depression but don't get professional help. Therapy is seen as an indulgence and the idea of antidepressants can be frightening. To some, taking medication would confirm that you just may be crazy.

Denial is one of the most common responses to clinical depression. It's also one of the most damaging, particularly for Black women because we've been taught to keep on keeping on, no matter what. We have learned to mistake stoicism for strength. Yet our refusal to acknowledge our pain doesn't send the hurt away. Also, some Black women find it easier to express anger than sadness. If you suffer from persistent feelings of pessimism, lethargy, irritability or sadness, it's important to get help.

Ask for referrals from relatives or friends or speak to your physician or minister. These organizations may also be able to help: National Mental Health Association, (800) 969-NMHA, nmha.org; American Psychiatric Association, (888) 357-7924, psych.org.

Also, when you feel yourself falling into a funk, the instinct is to retreat. But consistent bonding with our girlfriends is like a balm for the soul. We are healthiest when we're surrounded by loving people and in loving relationships.

But you have to start with loving yourself enough to get help.

Permission to Succeed

If you're finally ready to get more out of life, stop procrastinating, and overcome the fears that have held you back then you're ready to give yourself permission to be successful. Sounds a little weird doesn't it? Giving yourself permission to be a success? In a society of indulgence, instant gratification and spending promiscuity you would think giving yourself permission to live, to achieve, to be self-assured, charismatic, and prosperous would be of no consequence--yet this has become the challenge of the century.

Some people think of success in black and white terms: that either you make it happen or you don't. And if you don't then it's because you've made a choice not to. And that just might be true. It may have been an unconscious choice but it was a choice nonetheless. And that's where a lot of us get caught up; stuck in a state of fusion, wanting to be successful but either we're not quite sure how to get there or we don't know how to deal with the demons that hold us back from obtaining success. So just like we made the unconscious choice not to succeed or go after what we really want in life, in order to be successful we need to turn the tables, make another choice and give ourselves permission to live life to the fullest and make our dreams a reality.

But as with anything else, on the path to success there are going to be obstacles, things that get in the way and slow you down, two in particular that I want to talk about.

First up: fear. We all know that our fears are more often than not based on some imagined outcome that most likely will not be favorable. But knowing that doesn't seem to keep fear from having real power over us. And believe it or not - with all the other things out in the world to be scared of - fear of failure is one of the greatest fears people have.

The Law of Feedback states that there is no failure; there is only feedback. Successful people look at mistakes as outcomes or results, not as failure. Unsuccessful people look at mistakes as permanent and personal and end up self-limiting themselves. Most people do not achieve a fraction of what they are capable of achieving because they are afraid to try - because they are afraid they will fail.
Guilt is the second obstacle that stands in the way of success. And this is true especially for women. Women feel guilty because we can't be super moms, successful professionals, glamorous wives with brick house bodies, and public servants all at the same time. Guilt can take a hold of you and choke the success right out of you.

Moving from survival to significance will depend largely on our choice to give ourselves permission to be successful. So dream. Dream big and go after what you want. You CAN do it. You have my permission. Do you have yours?

I'll Always Love My Mama!

I am now officially a columnist for the Chicago Defender! I will be posting my weekly columns each Saturday for those without access to the paper. I am going to post this one today because I was anxious to start! Happy Belated Mother's Day!

May 12th

I'll always love my mama

I'm a self-proclaimed daddy's girl and I'm not ashamed to admit it. I adore my father, he was and will always be my hero, but I'll always love my mama.

Relationships between mother and daughters can often be difficult at best and ours seemed to be especially challenged. My mother says I favored my father from birth and indeed, my first recollections are filled with only my daddy, often vying with my mother for his undivided attention.

If our family was compared to a building; my father would have definitely been the foundation but my mother was in charge of keeping the structure intact. And she still is. But I didn't realize that growing up.

In fact, it took most of my life and becoming a mother myself to admit what a special and substantial role my mother played in my life. Sacrifice for the welfare of her family was in her every breath and it is now as an adult, now that I can talk to my mama – woman to woman – that I cherish and appreciate all that she did for us. And I understand it because I would do the same for my children.

Mother's presence was a given. She put her nursing career on hold to stay home and raise her two girls. She was our family's safe haven, our port in the storm of scraped knees, puberty, high school drama and broken hearts. All of us soon learned that we were the focus of our mother's life, her "career". She was fully devoted and dedicated to making our home a place where we would be nurtured into adults, fortified to face the world.

Lessons from my mother came in many ways. Some lessons I mastered and accepted easily, without question. Others I challenged. All served to mold and shape me through the breadth and depth of her love.

She was our biggest cheerleader, whether we succeeded at what we tried or not. She encouraged us to explore the world, to think for ourselves, and to be independent yet compassionate.

As I consider my life, and the lives of my children, I can see the threads of my mom's lessons weaving themselves into the tapestry of our family. They continue to appear in various patterns, uniquely sewn into the fabric of who we are.

It has been said that daughters "become" their mothers as they grow older, and many times I see myself reflecting on the qualities of mine. I feel good about this--particularly when the positive aspects of her character show forth. Nothing would please me more than to have my own children say they see the same qualities in me--availability, steadfastness, devotion, diligence, encouragement, faithfulness and love. To pass these lessons on would be a blessing to me -- a fruitful legacy in them, and their children as well.

When I look at who I have become as an adult, I see my mother's fingerprints all over me. As I said, I adore my father but I'll always love my mama. Happy Mother's Day.

Gearing Up For 2006 - Day Ten

So here we are. It's the last day and even though the first month of 2006 is almost at a close, I'm glad that we stuck with it. I have really enjoyed reading your responses and writing my own. They all put alot on my mind and for that I am grateful. No man is an island and I thank each of you for contributing to my growth as a human being. With that said, our final quesion:

What do I want my theme to be for 2006?

This was an easy one for me. I knew even before 2005 had come to an end what my theme for 2006 was going to be. 2006 is my breakthough and breakout year. God was doing some serious work on me in 2005, putting me in a position to do some very big things in 2006. So I am breaking through and breaking out .....

Gearing Up For 2006 - Day 9

Almost there, guys! It's day nine and it's going to be heartwarming to see some of the answers. Today's question:

For what I am grateful?

I am grateful for so many things: God's grace, family support, a challenging career, decent health, etc.

But the thing that I am most grateful for is my children. They are my motivating factor for everything that I do. I am head over heels in love with them and I appreciate them for the wonderful human beings that they are. Just looking at the world through their eyes has restored some of my childlike wonder and astonishment. Nothing is quite as special when they are not around. And I am so proud to be their mother.

Gearing up for 2006 - Day Eight

So we're rolling on to day eight - which just happens to be a national holiday for Martin Luther King's birthday. And today's question seemed kind of fitting. Why? Well, Martin Luther King, Jr. faced some seemingly insurmountable challenges and was able to successfully overcome most of them. So today, let's talk about:

What were my biggest challenges? How did I overcome them?

Publishing my book was one of my biggest challenges but I think I've beaten that horse into the ground. So, the next biggest challenge was my eating habits. I can resort to psycho babble and say that for most of my life, I have not had the best relationship with food. I don't think food has ever been my friend. In fact - though I hardly ever talk about it - I have had an eating disorder (of one variety or another) for the majority of my teen and adult years. That was a rough one. This past year has been about healing whatever pain my eating patterns have been a symptom of. I know it's about self image and self esteem but I still think it has to be something more than that. When I was raped in college, things went into over drive and I became dangerously unhealthy. I've gotten better, but am by no means cured. Though I am not in the throws of any eating disorder, I still don't view food as my friend. For the sake of my health and the values that I impart to my children, I want to change that. I took some major steps in 2005 to do that but still have a few to go.

Whew.

That was a tough one.

Gearing Up For 2006 - Day Seven

I'm back! Things got a little hectic in my world so I had to take a few days off but I wanted to start again today with our questions that are designed to put us in the right mindset for the new year. We are relating, reflecting and releasing!

What were the fun things I did? The not-so-fun?

Some of the fun things I did this year: a book signing in Bermuda, got a professional bra fitting (don't knock it 'til you try it), complete makeover, vacation with my husband in Jamaica.

Some of the not-so-fun things: I really can't think of any. You?

Gearing Up For 2006 - Day Six

So now we're at day 6. And this was one for the journal. I actually started thinking about it yesterday and still am a bit perplexed. I answered it but then the question seemed to beg for a response with a deeper meaning. So I scrapped the original answer and thought some more. Let's see how you do with this one.

What did I do right?


Well, well, well. I accomplished a lot this year and I think that ties into one of the biggest things I did right. I went after my dreams and made no apologies about it. I stepped outside of the box, challenged my self to take it up a notch, reinvented myself on several different levels, etc. etc. etc. For so long I have been scared, ashamed, apologetic about being successful. Don't ask my why or when it happened but it did. And even when I accomplished something, I didn't feel good about it. But last year that changed. So all I can say is, "Watch out for me in 2006". It's about to be on!

Gearing up for 2005 - Day Five

So we're halfway there and you guys are doing very well! A+ for your contributions.

What were the three most significant events of the last year?

I think most of us can agree: Hurricane Katrina, Hurricane Rita and Hurricane Wilma came through and changed the way we see change America's response time to natural disasters. We also saw how such a tragedy will effect race relations in America. May be cliche but it also brought home how blessed my life is. I don't want have to lose everything to appreciate that. And in 2006, I will keep my focus on that.

Gearing Up For 2006 - Day Four

We're almost to the midway point of our reflection exercise. Thanks to all that participate. Today's question is a good one so here we go.

What did I complete or release?

Easier Said Than Done, my debut novel. I completed it, published it and even sold a few copies. (smile) As for things I released: a lot of negative feelings. I tend to harbor and one thing I really wanted to work on in 2005 was my ability to forgive and my victim mentality. AND I worked hard on it. Haven't gotten all the way there but it was important for me to release the anger that has been swirling inside of me for the man that raped me my sophomore year in college. Yes, it has been that long. I finally sat down and thought about all the side effects that manifested in my life because of that anger and I realized that I was continuing to victimize myself. I had to make a choice: let it go or be a victim for the rest of my life. I chose not to be a victim.

Gearing up for 2006 - Day Three

We're rolling on with day three. And our question is: (DRUM ROLL PLEASE)

What would I have done differently? Why?

I really don't believe in do overs. I think every things happens for a reason and from every situation - a chance to grow. And I've done a lot of growing this past year. But since I'm asking you to answer the question; so will I. One thing I think I would have done differently is researching publishing companies before I signed a contract. I wasn't as interested in learning the business of writing as I should have been and it has caused some turmoil. I can't be mad though, because publishing Easier Said Than Done has been one of my biggest opportunities for learning in 2005. A couple of lessons: 1. most things can not be taken at face value - dig a little deeper and it may be a whole 'nother story and 2. the best of intentions does not always produce the best results.

Now what say you?

Gearing up for 2006 - Day Two

So, today is our day to brag. Don't hold back. I'm sure you'll be surprised like I was all that you were able to get done in 2005. Write it down, then give yourself a big hug! I'm proud of you!

2. What did I accomplish?

One accomplishment was completing my debut novel, "Easier Said Than Done" and getting it published. An even bigger accomplishment was keeping my sanity while doing it. I also completed my motivational speaking demo tape and have it ready to ship off in the new year. My film production was incorporated as well as my non-profit organization, "The Nikki Woods LeaderHership Academy" which will target girls between 12 and 18. And the script for "Easier Said Than Done" as well as my second novel, "Innocence Lost" are close to completion. Whew! It's been a roller coaster of a year and I'm sure I've missed some things. BUT that's just surface stuff. Most importantly, I developed a personal relationship with my Savior. I am talking more about just "getting church". I'm talking about a real relationship, a friendship and intimacy that I have never experienced before. I am also feeling more comfortable in my own skin. I accept my weaknesses as well as my strengths and have learned to capitalize on both. For someone who has struggled with confidence issues for most of their life - this is a HUGE accomplishment. I'm also very proud of my children and the things that they have accomplished as they made it to 2 and 4 years old and learned skills in leaps and bounds. Of couse, mommy takes a certain pride in that she had a hand in that.

Gearing up for 2006 - Day One

This doesn't have to take long, you may just want to take a minute and reflect on it. I would love for you to add your comments. See mine below.

1. What did I learn?

I think the most important thing I learned this year is that I can do anything and be successful at it when I really focus. As long as it's in keeping with God's will. Sometimes, I may be too scared, or too stressed or too lazy and just not done it - but I proved this year that I CAN do it. I also learned that I have a huge capacity to love that continues to grow. I don't tap into it nearly often enough but it is one of my goals for 2006. Tapping into Love brings forth a bunch of other great stuff like forgiveness, and courage. I also learned that I still have a lot to learn. And a long road of growth ahead of me. But now I know I can do it, from a position of love.

Gearing up for 2006!

As 2005 comes to an close, one thing that I regret is that I did not journal as much as in past years. For a good reason - I was too busy writing other things. I know that 2006 is going to be my breakthrough year. I have so much bubbling beneath the surface - good and bad - that needs to be brought forth. The good to be developed and the bad to be exorcised. So when I saw these questions I thought they would be a good start. AND I thought it would be fun for us to do together. (Yes, it's interactive!) We'll do them one at a time and really put forth our best effort. Can you tell I used to teach school? Read them, meditate on them. Class starts promptly at 8 tomorrow. And don't forget your number two pencil.


1. What did I learn?
2. What did I accomplish?
3. What would I have done differently? Why?
4. What did I complete or release?
5. What were the three most significant events of the last year?
6. What did I do right?
7. What were the fun things I did? The not-so-fun?
8. What were my biggest challenges? How did I overcome them?
9. For what I am grateful?
10. What do I want my theme to be for 2006?

Reclaiming My Femininity

"That's not quite rape." That was a listener's response to a call-in which a distraught listener related her emotional trauma that she was still suffering through ten years following a brutal assault at the hands of her fiancee.

"What did you just say?" I asked, incredulously.

"That's not quite rape." Seconds ticked by as the rage slowly worked itself to a boil, starting deep inside, burned its way up the back of my neck and had my eyes stinging with unshed tears. The caller went on to explain his rationale but I heard none of it; his words blocked by the screams of pain and hurt from my own "not quite rape" experience.

I didn't talk about it then and I still don't. It has been thirteen years for me but I've never quite gotten over it. And never will.

Like this caller most people still think of rape as a random attack, happening in dark corners at night or in empty parking lots. Although this is a tragic reality for some women, the majority of rapes occur when there is some degree of trust..... Yet, less then 5% of date rapes are ever reported.

I reported mine but to no avail. The system that set in place to assist the victims of crime only raped me again. So I shut my mouth and went on about living a life that I no longer felt belonged to me.

Instead of getting counseling, I worked in the trenches: talking to young women about dangers of sexual assault; whether it is at the hands on someone you know or someone you don't; advocating for tougher laws and more stringent sentencing for those who commit sexual assault and holding the hands of those who are dealing with the aftermath, struggling to pick up the pieces of their lives and their shattered femininity.

It was my own form of therapy and I thought it was working. But as I listened to the call again, I realized I still have a long way to go in my own healing process. Not on the surface - my physical scars have long since faded; but the emotional scars that are hidden deep within and are still puckered and pink.

I used to think the details weren't important. After al I gave the details - in excruciating detail to a group of people that only turned them against me. But now I've come to realize that the details are crucial. Because the signs of control and rage that I saw only in hindsight might prevent someone else from suffering through the ongoing aftermath of rape.

My body was violated but so was the very essence of what makes me a woman.

And the reclamation of that essence has been my life's journey; manifesting itself through depression, eating disorders, low self-esteem and relationship issues that plagued me through my twenties. Now in my thirties, I still jump at shadows, unexpected movements and loud male voices.

Even in the most tender moments with my husband, a similar movement brings back hellish memories.

My self-esteem as a woman is still splintered but it is no longer shattered and I've started taking back what it rightfully mine.

I'm starting to feel myself.

And love myself.

Validate and believe: Rape victims need reassurance that the assault was not their fault and that their feelings are normal. Although you feel you might have reacted differently, remember that each person's reactions are uniquely theirs.

Create a safe place: Both emotionally and physically, it is important for the survivor to feel in control again.

Expression: The feelings of a survivor of sexual assault can be very strong. Expressing these powerful feelings in a safe environment is an important part of the healing process.

Offer options-not advice: Survivors often struggle with important and complex decisions. You can be most helpful by helping her identify all of the options available and supporting her in her decision making.

Most importantly, believe in the possibility of healing.

Continue to be blessed.

No My First Name Ain't Baby

By Guest Blogger Shelia M. Goss



Never thought almost 20 years later, I would be singing lyrics to an old Janet Jackson song, "No, my first name ain't baby," but I am.

Why do men take it upon themselves to call women, "baby" during the course of a conversation?

Is it used as a term of endearment or does it go deeper than that?

Several years ago, a male friend, who we'll call "John," did something that surprised me. I observed him speak with several women over a span of a few hours. Each time they called, instead of saying their name, his initial greeting was "Hi Baby."

After the umpteenth call, I decided to ask him, "Why do you call those women Baby instead of using their names?"

His response surprised me. "It gives me time to either pick up on their voice or have them tell me who they are," he responded.

All I could say was, "Oh I see."

John taught me that evening to pay close attention to when a man uses the word "baby."

When I hear it now, I don't take the man too seriously. I find myself crinkling up whenever I hear it.

Does the word "baby" irritate you like it irritates me? Some men use the term so much that it becomes a habit. I've heard so many men use it out of habit that they probably aren't aware of how annoying it can be.

I tried to get over the annoyance when I met this new guy and he used it. Well that is, until I heard him use it when talking to a cashier, a mutual stranger, at the store. Afterwards, hearing him call me "baby" didn't hold that same warm fuzzy feeling it once did.

Men, please beware and don't use the word to every Sue, Jill, and Jane you come across. And women the next time a man says it to you, why not let him know that, "No my first name ain't baby, it's…"

It could be worse; they could be calling us another B word.



Shelia M Goss is a freelance writer and the Essence Bestselling author of My Invisible Husband, Roses are thorns, Violets are True and My Three Beaus.

Website: http://www.sheliagoss.com

Email: sheliagoss@aol.com

Blogs: http://myinvisiblehusband.blogspot.com

http://sheliagoss.blogspot.com

http://intheknowentertainment.blogspot.com

Affirmations for Adversity

Whenever you are doing BIG things, challenges will arise. That is a fact. It comes with the territory. Luke 12:48 states that, "To Whom Much Is Given, Much Is Required. Biggie said, "More money, more problems." From the Bible to Hip-Hop, the message is the same. Adversity is the direct challenge to prosperity. And there's no way to get around it. You have to meet it head on. And that's what I'm doing - armed with my affirmations. I thought I'd share.

AFFIRMATIONS:

There are revelations and new growth. I accept. I am grateful.

I welcome the challenge that life is. Focus is set to uncover present blessings and see what's so that's good. Within are unborn possibilities of limitless potential.

I am grateful for new ideas, new strength, new vision that carry me into a future unlike the past.

I pay attention to thoughts of good, positive actions, feelings of assurance. All endings are refreshing beginnings. New good is on its way to me today. Gratitude abounds.

I am alert and awake in all challenges. Certainty of good outcomes guide my way today.

There are good things in store for me, gratitude opens amazing new perspectives of possibility for each moment.

There are ways beyond ways, there is good beyond good, there is power beyond power. I envision my self there, each day, gratefully.

Now there are doors where windows used to be and we are thankful.

Moving Day

Note: I started a new blog. Kinda had too. This one will be devoted to Cry Me A River, the sequel to Easier Said Than Done. I was writing Chapter Two and I realized that it was getting a bit racy. Uh huh, racy. Author Sylvia Hubbard will appreciate that. Her only critique for Easier Said Than Done was that my love songs weren't long enough and for lack of a better word - detailed enough. Well, that's not the case here. I'll provide the link each time I add a chapter and will continue posing thoughts, affirmations and other inspirational tidbits on this blog.

Thanks in advance for your cooperation! :)

I've Been Tagged!

Tayari Jones has "tagged" me! My assignment: to write fifteen interesting facts about my writing/reading life. I'm not sure I have that many but Imma give it a black girl try. PS. What is written on the blog, stays on the blog. You'll see what I mean in a minute.

Writing:

1. Most of my creativity comes while I am at work which can be sort of inconvenient since I am not getting paid to write!

2. I listen to reggae mainly to type.

3. I talk outloud to myself when I am trying to work through dialogue but only answer 50 percent of the time.

4. I run movie marathons for my kids when I'm under deadline. I thought about the NyQuil solution but didn't resort to it.

5. I am obsessive about cleaning my computer monitor when writing. Stray potato chip flake can often be mistaken for commas.

Reading:
6. I judge a book by it's cover. I've admitted it - which is the first step - and I am seeking help.

7. If per chance you are perusing my recent reading material and you happen to find a fingerprint it will be cheese flavored guaranteed. It's my favorite reading food.

8. Naked is better in most things that you do; especially reading.

9. A glass of wine will improve most anyone's writing skills.

10. Erotica still makes me blush; naked or otherwise.

If I disclose anymore, I just may have to kill you. Mission complete. Cydney Rax and Shelia Goss ... tag you're it.