I'm not sure if it was a phrase I coined or I'd just heard it somewhere along the way and adopted it as my own but "Depression stops progression" has become my mantra. I'd yell if from the rooftops if I could but I'm scared of heights. I'm very familiar with murky depths of depression and how difficult it is keep your head above water. When you're struggling to keep your head above water it's hard to be productive. "Depression stops progression".
Years ago when mom suggested that I might be suffering from clinical depression, I was offended. Her comment fell like an accusation, one that attacked the very core of who I am as a Black woman. I was on my way to Howard Univeristy with a big suitcase filled with the intentions of of conquering the world. I felt as if I couldn't be stopped. Sure I'd experienced more than my fair share of sleepless nights and moments of fear and anxiety. I thought it was normal. But when my mom forced me to look at my life, I had to admit that sadness outweighed joy. Still in my mind, that didn't mean I was depressed. I was concerned. I was worried. And when measured, my hardships were nothing in comparison with those that generations of Black women before me had faced. I dismissed them as part of life. But after being raped my sophmore year in college, I became so debilitated I could hardly get out of bed in the mornings. The crisis forced me to acknowledge that I was, indeed, depressed. And I wasn't alone.
According to the National Women's Health Information Center, about 16 percent of African-American women experience clinical depression at least once during their lives. But this figure fails to reflect the large number of sisters who suffer from depression but don't get professional help. Therapy is seen as an indulgence and the idea of antidepressants can be frightening. To some, taking medication would confirm that you just may be crazy.
Denial is one of the most common responses to clinical depression. It's also one of the most damaging, particularly for Black women because we've been taught to keep on keeping on, no matter what. We have learned to mistake stoicism for strength. Yet our refusal to acknowledge our pain doesn't send the hurt away. Also, some Black women find it easier to express anger than sadness. If you suffer from persistent feelings of pessimism, lethargy, irritability or sadness, it's important to get help.
Ask for referrals from relatives or friends or speak to your physician or minister. These organizations may also be able to help: National Mental Health Association, (800) 969-NMHA, nmha.org; American Psychiatric Association, (888) 357-7924, psych.org.
Also, when you feel yourself falling into a funk, the instinct is to retreat. But consistent bonding with our girlfriends is like a balm for the soul. We are healthiest when we're surrounded by loving people and in loving relationships.
But you have to start with loving yourself enough to get help.
Friday, May 26, 2006
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
Permission to Succeed
If you're finally ready to get more out of life, stop procrastinating, and overcome the fears that have held you back then you're ready to give yourself permission to be successful. Sounds a little weird doesn't it? Giving yourself permission to be a success? In a society of indulgence, instant gratification and spending promiscuity you would think giving yourself permission to live, to achieve, to be self-assured, charismatic, and prosperous would be of no consequence--yet this has become the challenge of the century.
Some people think of success in black and white terms: that either you make it happen or you don't. And if you don't then it's because you've made a choice not to. And that just might be true. It may have been an unconscious choice but it was a choice nonetheless. And that's where a lot of us get caught up; stuck in a state of fusion, wanting to be successful but either we're not quite sure how to get there or we don't know how to deal with the demons that hold us back from obtaining success. So just like we made the unconscious choice not to succeed or go after what we really want in life, in order to be successful we need to turn the tables, make another choice and give ourselves permission to live life to the fullest and make our dreams a reality.
But as with anything else, on the path to success there are going to be obstacles, things that get in the way and slow you down, two in particular that I want to talk about.
First up: fear. We all know that our fears are more often than not based on some imagined outcome that most likely will not be favorable. But knowing that doesn't seem to keep fear from having real power over us. And believe it or not - with all the other things out in the world to be scared of - fear of failure is one of the greatest fears people have.
The Law of Feedback states that there is no failure; there is only feedback. Successful people look at mistakes as outcomes or results, not as failure. Unsuccessful people look at mistakes as permanent and personal and end up self-limiting themselves. Most people do not achieve a fraction of what they are capable of achieving because they are afraid to try - because they are afraid they will fail.
Guilt is the second obstacle that stands in the way of success. And this is true especially for women. Women feel guilty because we can't be super moms, successful professionals, glamorous wives with brick house bodies, and public servants all at the same time. Guilt can take a hold of you and choke the success right out of you.
Moving from survival to significance will depend largely on our choice to give ourselves permission to be successful. So dream. Dream big and go after what you want. You CAN do it. You have my permission. Do you have yours?
Some people think of success in black and white terms: that either you make it happen or you don't. And if you don't then it's because you've made a choice not to. And that just might be true. It may have been an unconscious choice but it was a choice nonetheless. And that's where a lot of us get caught up; stuck in a state of fusion, wanting to be successful but either we're not quite sure how to get there or we don't know how to deal with the demons that hold us back from obtaining success. So just like we made the unconscious choice not to succeed or go after what we really want in life, in order to be successful we need to turn the tables, make another choice and give ourselves permission to live life to the fullest and make our dreams a reality.
But as with anything else, on the path to success there are going to be obstacles, things that get in the way and slow you down, two in particular that I want to talk about.
First up: fear. We all know that our fears are more often than not based on some imagined outcome that most likely will not be favorable. But knowing that doesn't seem to keep fear from having real power over us. And believe it or not - with all the other things out in the world to be scared of - fear of failure is one of the greatest fears people have.
The Law of Feedback states that there is no failure; there is only feedback. Successful people look at mistakes as outcomes or results, not as failure. Unsuccessful people look at mistakes as permanent and personal and end up self-limiting themselves. Most people do not achieve a fraction of what they are capable of achieving because they are afraid to try - because they are afraid they will fail.
Guilt is the second obstacle that stands in the way of success. And this is true especially for women. Women feel guilty because we can't be super moms, successful professionals, glamorous wives with brick house bodies, and public servants all at the same time. Guilt can take a hold of you and choke the success right out of you.
Moving from survival to significance will depend largely on our choice to give ourselves permission to be successful. So dream. Dream big and go after what you want. You CAN do it. You have my permission. Do you have yours?
Monday, May 15, 2006
I'll Always Love My Mama!
I am now officially a columnist for the Chicago Defender! I will be posting my weekly columns each Saturday for those without access to the paper. I am going to post this one today because I was anxious to start! Happy Belated Mother's Day!
May 12th
I'll always love my mama
I'm a self-proclaimed daddy's girl and I'm not ashamed to admit it. I adore my father, he was and will always be my hero, but I'll always love my mama.
Relationships between mother and daughters can often be difficult at best and ours seemed to be especially challenged. My mother says I favored my father from birth and indeed, my first recollections are filled with only my daddy, often vying with my mother for his undivided attention.
If our family was compared to a building; my father would have definitely been the foundation but my mother was in charge of keeping the structure intact. And she still is. But I didn't realize that growing up.
In fact, it took most of my life and becoming a mother myself to admit what a special and substantial role my mother played in my life. Sacrifice for the welfare of her family was in her every breath and it is now as an adult, now that I can talk to my mama – woman to woman – that I cherish and appreciate all that she did for us. And I understand it because I would do the same for my children.
Mother's presence was a given. She put her nursing career on hold to stay home and raise her two girls. She was our family's safe haven, our port in the storm of scraped knees, puberty, high school drama and broken hearts. All of us soon learned that we were the focus of our mother's life, her "career". She was fully devoted and dedicated to making our home a place where we would be nurtured into adults, fortified to face the world.
Lessons from my mother came in many ways. Some lessons I mastered and accepted easily, without question. Others I challenged. All served to mold and shape me through the breadth and depth of her love.
She was our biggest cheerleader, whether we succeeded at what we tried or not. She encouraged us to explore the world, to think for ourselves, and to be independent yet compassionate.
As I consider my life, and the lives of my children, I can see the threads of my mom's lessons weaving themselves into the tapestry of our family. They continue to appear in various patterns, uniquely sewn into the fabric of who we are.
It has been said that daughters "become" their mothers as they grow older, and many times I see myself reflecting on the qualities of mine. I feel good about this--particularly when the positive aspects of her character show forth. Nothing would please me more than to have my own children say they see the same qualities in me--availability, steadfastness, devotion, diligence, encouragement, faithfulness and love. To pass these lessons on would be a blessing to me -- a fruitful legacy in them, and their children as well.
When I look at who I have become as an adult, I see my mother's fingerprints all over me. As I said, I adore my father but I'll always love my mama. Happy Mother's Day.
May 12th
I'll always love my mama
I'm a self-proclaimed daddy's girl and I'm not ashamed to admit it. I adore my father, he was and will always be my hero, but I'll always love my mama.
Relationships between mother and daughters can often be difficult at best and ours seemed to be especially challenged. My mother says I favored my father from birth and indeed, my first recollections are filled with only my daddy, often vying with my mother for his undivided attention.
If our family was compared to a building; my father would have definitely been the foundation but my mother was in charge of keeping the structure intact. And she still is. But I didn't realize that growing up.
In fact, it took most of my life and becoming a mother myself to admit what a special and substantial role my mother played in my life. Sacrifice for the welfare of her family was in her every breath and it is now as an adult, now that I can talk to my mama – woman to woman – that I cherish and appreciate all that she did for us. And I understand it because I would do the same for my children.
Mother's presence was a given. She put her nursing career on hold to stay home and raise her two girls. She was our family's safe haven, our port in the storm of scraped knees, puberty, high school drama and broken hearts. All of us soon learned that we were the focus of our mother's life, her "career". She was fully devoted and dedicated to making our home a place where we would be nurtured into adults, fortified to face the world.
Lessons from my mother came in many ways. Some lessons I mastered and accepted easily, without question. Others I challenged. All served to mold and shape me through the breadth and depth of her love.
She was our biggest cheerleader, whether we succeeded at what we tried or not. She encouraged us to explore the world, to think for ourselves, and to be independent yet compassionate.
As I consider my life, and the lives of my children, I can see the threads of my mom's lessons weaving themselves into the tapestry of our family. They continue to appear in various patterns, uniquely sewn into the fabric of who we are.
It has been said that daughters "become" their mothers as they grow older, and many times I see myself reflecting on the qualities of mine. I feel good about this--particularly when the positive aspects of her character show forth. Nothing would please me more than to have my own children say they see the same qualities in me--availability, steadfastness, devotion, diligence, encouragement, faithfulness and love. To pass these lessons on would be a blessing to me -- a fruitful legacy in them, and their children as well.
When I look at who I have become as an adult, I see my mother's fingerprints all over me. As I said, I adore my father but I'll always love my mama. Happy Mother's Day.
Thursday, January 19, 2006
Gearing Up For 2006 - Day Ten
So here we are. It's the last day and even though the first month of 2006 is almost at a close, I'm glad that we stuck with it. I have really enjoyed reading your responses and writing my own. They all put alot on my mind and for that I am grateful. No man is an island and I thank each of you for contributing to my growth as a human being. With that said, our final quesion:
What do I want my theme to be for 2006?
This was an easy one for me. I knew even before 2005 had come to an end what my theme for 2006 was going to be. 2006 is my breakthough and breakout year. God was doing some serious work on me in 2005, putting me in a position to do some very big things in 2006. So I am breaking through and breaking out .....
What do I want my theme to be for 2006?
This was an easy one for me. I knew even before 2005 had come to an end what my theme for 2006 was going to be. 2006 is my breakthough and breakout year. God was doing some serious work on me in 2005, putting me in a position to do some very big things in 2006. So I am breaking through and breaking out .....
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
Gearing Up For 2006 - Day 9
Almost there, guys! It's day nine and it's going to be heartwarming to see some of the answers. Today's question:
For what I am grateful?
I am grateful for so many things: God's grace, family support, a challenging career, decent health, etc.
But the thing that I am most grateful for is my children. They are my motivating factor for everything that I do. I am head over heels in love with them and I appreciate them for the wonderful human beings that they are. Just looking at the world through their eyes has restored some of my childlike wonder and astonishment. Nothing is quite as special when they are not around. And I am so proud to be their mother.
For what I am grateful?
I am grateful for so many things: God's grace, family support, a challenging career, decent health, etc.
But the thing that I am most grateful for is my children. They are my motivating factor for everything that I do. I am head over heels in love with them and I appreciate them for the wonderful human beings that they are. Just looking at the world through their eyes has restored some of my childlike wonder and astonishment. Nothing is quite as special when they are not around. And I am so proud to be their mother.
Monday, January 16, 2006
Gearing up for 2006 - Day Eight
So we're rolling on to day eight - which just happens to be a national holiday for Martin Luther King's birthday. And today's question seemed kind of fitting. Why? Well, Martin Luther King, Jr. faced some seemingly insurmountable challenges and was able to successfully overcome most of them. So today, let's talk about:
What were my biggest challenges? How did I overcome them?
Publishing my book was one of my biggest challenges but I think I've beaten that horse into the ground. So, the next biggest challenge was my eating habits. I can resort to psycho babble and say that for most of my life, I have not had the best relationship with food. I don't think food has ever been my friend. In fact - though I hardly ever talk about it - I have had an eating disorder (of one variety or another) for the majority of my teen and adult years. That was a rough one. This past year has been about healing whatever pain my eating patterns have been a symptom of. I know it's about self image and self esteem but I still think it has to be something more than that. When I was raped in college, things went into over drive and I became dangerously unhealthy. I've gotten better, but am by no means cured. Though I am not in the throws of any eating disorder, I still don't view food as my friend. For the sake of my health and the values that I impart to my children, I want to change that. I took some major steps in 2005 to do that but still have a few to go.
Whew.
That was a tough one.
What were my biggest challenges? How did I overcome them?
Publishing my book was one of my biggest challenges but I think I've beaten that horse into the ground. So, the next biggest challenge was my eating habits. I can resort to psycho babble and say that for most of my life, I have not had the best relationship with food. I don't think food has ever been my friend. In fact - though I hardly ever talk about it - I have had an eating disorder (of one variety or another) for the majority of my teen and adult years. That was a rough one. This past year has been about healing whatever pain my eating patterns have been a symptom of. I know it's about self image and self esteem but I still think it has to be something more than that. When I was raped in college, things went into over drive and I became dangerously unhealthy. I've gotten better, but am by no means cured. Though I am not in the throws of any eating disorder, I still don't view food as my friend. For the sake of my health and the values that I impart to my children, I want to change that. I took some major steps in 2005 to do that but still have a few to go.
Whew.
That was a tough one.
Thursday, January 12, 2006
Gearing Up For 2006 - Day Seven
I'm back! Things got a little hectic in my world so I had to take a few days off but I wanted to start again today with our questions that are designed to put us in the right mindset for the new year. We are relating, reflecting and releasing!
What were the fun things I did? The not-so-fun?
Some of the fun things I did this year: a book signing in Bermuda, got a professional bra fitting (don't knock it 'til you try it), complete makeover, vacation with my husband in Jamaica.
Some of the not-so-fun things: I really can't think of any. You?
What were the fun things I did? The not-so-fun?
Some of the fun things I did this year: a book signing in Bermuda, got a professional bra fitting (don't knock it 'til you try it), complete makeover, vacation with my husband in Jamaica.
Some of the not-so-fun things: I really can't think of any. You?
Friday, January 06, 2006
Gearing Up For 2006 - Day Six
So now we're at day 6. And this was one for the journal. I actually started thinking about it yesterday and still am a bit perplexed. I answered it but then the question seemed to beg for a response with a deeper meaning. So I scrapped the original answer and thought some more. Let's see how you do with this one.
What did I do right?
Well, well, well. I accomplished a lot this year and I think that ties into one of the biggest things I did right. I went after my dreams and made no apologies about it. I stepped outside of the box, challenged my self to take it up a notch, reinvented myself on several different levels, etc. etc. etc. For so long I have been scared, ashamed, apologetic about being successful. Don't ask my why or when it happened but it did. And even when I accomplished something, I didn't feel good about it. But last year that changed. So all I can say is, "Watch out for me in 2006". It's about to be on!
What did I do right?
Well, well, well. I accomplished a lot this year and I think that ties into one of the biggest things I did right. I went after my dreams and made no apologies about it. I stepped outside of the box, challenged my self to take it up a notch, reinvented myself on several different levels, etc. etc. etc. For so long I have been scared, ashamed, apologetic about being successful. Don't ask my why or when it happened but it did. And even when I accomplished something, I didn't feel good about it. But last year that changed. So all I can say is, "Watch out for me in 2006". It's about to be on!
Thursday, January 05, 2006
Gearing up for 2005 - Day Five
So we're halfway there and you guys are doing very well! A+ for your contributions.
What were the three most significant events of the last year?
I think most of us can agree: Hurricane Katrina, Hurricane Rita and Hurricane Wilma came through and changed the way we see change America's response time to natural disasters. We also saw how such a tragedy will effect race relations in America. May be cliche but it also brought home how blessed my life is. I don't want have to lose everything to appreciate that. And in 2006, I will keep my focus on that.
What were the three most significant events of the last year?
I think most of us can agree: Hurricane Katrina, Hurricane Rita and Hurricane Wilma came through and changed the way we see change America's response time to natural disasters. We also saw how such a tragedy will effect race relations in America. May be cliche but it also brought home how blessed my life is. I don't want have to lose everything to appreciate that. And in 2006, I will keep my focus on that.
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
Gearing Up For 2006 - Day Four
We're almost to the midway point of our reflection exercise. Thanks to all that participate. Today's question is a good one so here we go.
What did I complete or release?
Easier Said Than Done, my debut novel. I completed it, published it and even sold a few copies. (smile) As for things I released: a lot of negative feelings. I tend to harbor and one thing I really wanted to work on in 2005 was my ability to forgive and my victim mentality. AND I worked hard on it. Haven't gotten all the way there but it was important for me to release the anger that has been swirling inside of me for the man that raped me my sophomore year in college. Yes, it has been that long. I finally sat down and thought about all the side effects that manifested in my life because of that anger and I realized that I was continuing to victimize myself. I had to make a choice: let it go or be a victim for the rest of my life. I chose not to be a victim.
What did I complete or release?
Easier Said Than Done, my debut novel. I completed it, published it and even sold a few copies. (smile) As for things I released: a lot of negative feelings. I tend to harbor and one thing I really wanted to work on in 2005 was my ability to forgive and my victim mentality. AND I worked hard on it. Haven't gotten all the way there but it was important for me to release the anger that has been swirling inside of me for the man that raped me my sophomore year in college. Yes, it has been that long. I finally sat down and thought about all the side effects that manifested in my life because of that anger and I realized that I was continuing to victimize myself. I had to make a choice: let it go or be a victim for the rest of my life. I chose not to be a victim.
Saturday, December 31, 2005
Gearing up for 2006 - Day Three
We're rolling on with day three. And our question is: (DRUM ROLL PLEASE)
What would I have done differently? Why?
I really don't believe in do overs. I think every things happens for a reason and from every situation - a chance to grow. And I've done a lot of growing this past year. But since I'm asking you to answer the question; so will I. One thing I think I would have done differently is researching publishing companies before I signed a contract. I wasn't as interested in learning the business of writing as I should have been and it has caused some turmoil. I can't be mad though, because publishing Easier Said Than Done has been one of my biggest opportunities for learning in 2005. A couple of lessons: 1. most things can not be taken at face value - dig a little deeper and it may be a whole 'nother story and 2. the best of intentions does not always produce the best results.
Now what say you?
What would I have done differently? Why?
I really don't believe in do overs. I think every things happens for a reason and from every situation - a chance to grow. And I've done a lot of growing this past year. But since I'm asking you to answer the question; so will I. One thing I think I would have done differently is researching publishing companies before I signed a contract. I wasn't as interested in learning the business of writing as I should have been and it has caused some turmoil. I can't be mad though, because publishing Easier Said Than Done has been one of my biggest opportunities for learning in 2005. A couple of lessons: 1. most things can not be taken at face value - dig a little deeper and it may be a whole 'nother story and 2. the best of intentions does not always produce the best results.
Now what say you?
Friday, December 30, 2005
Gearing up for 2006 - Day Two
So, today is our day to brag. Don't hold back. I'm sure you'll be surprised like I was all that you were able to get done in 2005. Write it down, then give yourself a big hug! I'm proud of you!
2. What did I accomplish?
One accomplishment was completing my debut novel, "Easier Said Than Done" and getting it published. An even bigger accomplishment was keeping my sanity while doing it. I also completed my motivational speaking demo tape and have it ready to ship off in the new year. My film production was incorporated as well as my non-profit organization, "The Nikki Woods LeaderHership Academy" which will target girls between 12 and 18. And the script for "Easier Said Than Done" as well as my second novel, "Innocence Lost" are close to completion. Whew! It's been a roller coaster of a year and I'm sure I've missed some things. BUT that's just surface stuff. Most importantly, I developed a personal relationship with my Savior. I am talking more about just "getting church". I'm talking about a real relationship, a friendship and intimacy that I have never experienced before. I am also feeling more comfortable in my own skin. I accept my weaknesses as well as my strengths and have learned to capitalize on both. For someone who has struggled with confidence issues for most of their life - this is a HUGE accomplishment. I'm also very proud of my children and the things that they have accomplished as they made it to 2 and 4 years old and learned skills in leaps and bounds. Of couse, mommy takes a certain pride in that she had a hand in that.
2. What did I accomplish?
One accomplishment was completing my debut novel, "Easier Said Than Done" and getting it published. An even bigger accomplishment was keeping my sanity while doing it. I also completed my motivational speaking demo tape and have it ready to ship off in the new year. My film production was incorporated as well as my non-profit organization, "The Nikki Woods LeaderHership Academy" which will target girls between 12 and 18. And the script for "Easier Said Than Done" as well as my second novel, "Innocence Lost" are close to completion. Whew! It's been a roller coaster of a year and I'm sure I've missed some things. BUT that's just surface stuff. Most importantly, I developed a personal relationship with my Savior. I am talking more about just "getting church". I'm talking about a real relationship, a friendship and intimacy that I have never experienced before. I am also feeling more comfortable in my own skin. I accept my weaknesses as well as my strengths and have learned to capitalize on both. For someone who has struggled with confidence issues for most of their life - this is a HUGE accomplishment. I'm also very proud of my children and the things that they have accomplished as they made it to 2 and 4 years old and learned skills in leaps and bounds. Of couse, mommy takes a certain pride in that she had a hand in that.
Thursday, December 29, 2005
Gearing up for 2006 - Day One
This doesn't have to take long, you may just want to take a minute and reflect on it. I would love for you to add your comments. See mine below.
1. What did I learn?
I think the most important thing I learned this year is that I can do anything and be successful at it when I really focus. As long as it's in keeping with God's will. Sometimes, I may be too scared, or too stressed or too lazy and just not done it - but I proved this year that I CAN do it. I also learned that I have a huge capacity to love that continues to grow. I don't tap into it nearly often enough but it is one of my goals for 2006. Tapping into Love brings forth a bunch of other great stuff like forgiveness, and courage. I also learned that I still have a lot to learn. And a long road of growth ahead of me. But now I know I can do it, from a position of love.
1. What did I learn?
I think the most important thing I learned this year is that I can do anything and be successful at it when I really focus. As long as it's in keeping with God's will. Sometimes, I may be too scared, or too stressed or too lazy and just not done it - but I proved this year that I CAN do it. I also learned that I have a huge capacity to love that continues to grow. I don't tap into it nearly often enough but it is one of my goals for 2006. Tapping into Love brings forth a bunch of other great stuff like forgiveness, and courage. I also learned that I still have a lot to learn. And a long road of growth ahead of me. But now I know I can do it, from a position of love.
Wednesday, December 28, 2005
Gearing up for 2006!
As 2005 comes to an close, one thing that I regret is that I did not journal as much as in past years. For a good reason - I was too busy writing other things. I know that 2006 is going to be my breakthrough year. I have so much bubbling beneath the surface - good and bad - that needs to be brought forth. The good to be developed and the bad to be exorcised. So when I saw these questions I thought they would be a good start. AND I thought it would be fun for us to do together. (Yes, it's interactive!) We'll do them one at a time and really put forth our best effort. Can you tell I used to teach school? Read them, meditate on them. Class starts promptly at 8 tomorrow. And don't forget your number two pencil.
1. What did I learn?
2. What did I accomplish?
3. What would I have done differently? Why?
4. What did I complete or release?
5. What were the three most significant events of the last year?
6. What did I do right?
7. What were the fun things I did? The not-so-fun?
8. What were my biggest challenges? How did I overcome them?
9. For what I am grateful?
10. What do I want my theme to be for 2006?
1. What did I learn?
2. What did I accomplish?
3. What would I have done differently? Why?
4. What did I complete or release?
5. What were the three most significant events of the last year?
6. What did I do right?
7. What were the fun things I did? The not-so-fun?
8. What were my biggest challenges? How did I overcome them?
9. For what I am grateful?
10. What do I want my theme to be for 2006?
Saturday, December 10, 2005
Reclaiming My Femininity
"That's not quite rape." That was a listener's response to a call-in which a distraught listener related her emotional trauma that she was still suffering through ten years following a brutal assault at the hands of her fiancee.
"What did you just say?" I asked, incredulously.
"That's not quite rape." Seconds ticked by as the rage slowly worked itself to a boil, starting deep inside, burned its way up the back of my neck and had my eyes stinging with unshed tears. The caller went on to explain his rationale but I heard none of it; his words blocked by the screams of pain and hurt from my own "not quite rape" experience.
I didn't talk about it then and I still don't. It has been thirteen years for me but I've never quite gotten over it. And never will.
Like this caller most people still think of rape as a random attack, happening in dark corners at night or in empty parking lots. Although this is a tragic reality for some women, the majority of rapes occur when there is some degree of trust..... Yet, less then 5% of date rapes are ever reported.
I reported mine but to no avail. The system that set in place to assist the victims of crime only raped me again. So I shut my mouth and went on about living a life that I no longer felt belonged to me.
Instead of getting counseling, I worked in the trenches: talking to young women about dangers of sexual assault; whether it is at the hands on someone you know or someone you don't; advocating for tougher laws and more stringent sentencing for those who commit sexual assault and holding the hands of those who are dealing with the aftermath, struggling to pick up the pieces of their lives and their shattered femininity.
It was my own form of therapy and I thought it was working. But as I listened to the call again, I realized I still have a long way to go in my own healing process. Not on the surface - my physical scars have long since faded; but the emotional scars that are hidden deep within and are still puckered and pink.
I used to think the details weren't important. After al I gave the details - in excruciating detail to a group of people that only turned them against me. But now I've come to realize that the details are crucial. Because the signs of control and rage that I saw only in hindsight might prevent someone else from suffering through the ongoing aftermath of rape.
My body was violated but so was the very essence of what makes me a woman.
And the reclamation of that essence has been my life's journey; manifesting itself through depression, eating disorders, low self-esteem and relationship issues that plagued me through my twenties. Now in my thirties, I still jump at shadows, unexpected movements and loud male voices.
Even in the most tender moments with my husband, a similar movement brings back hellish memories.
My self-esteem as a woman is still splintered but it is no longer shattered and I've started taking back what it rightfully mine.
I'm starting to feel myself.
And love myself.
Validate and believe: Rape victims need reassurance that the assault was not their fault and that their feelings are normal. Although you feel you might have reacted differently, remember that each person's reactions are uniquely theirs.
Create a safe place: Both emotionally and physically, it is important for the survivor to feel in control again.
Expression: The feelings of a survivor of sexual assault can be very strong. Expressing these powerful feelings in a safe environment is an important part of the healing process.
Offer options-not advice: Survivors often struggle with important and complex decisions. You can be most helpful by helping her identify all of the options available and supporting her in her decision making.
Most importantly, believe in the possibility of healing.
Continue to be blessed.
"What did you just say?" I asked, incredulously.
"That's not quite rape." Seconds ticked by as the rage slowly worked itself to a boil, starting deep inside, burned its way up the back of my neck and had my eyes stinging with unshed tears. The caller went on to explain his rationale but I heard none of it; his words blocked by the screams of pain and hurt from my own "not quite rape" experience.
I didn't talk about it then and I still don't. It has been thirteen years for me but I've never quite gotten over it. And never will.
Like this caller most people still think of rape as a random attack, happening in dark corners at night or in empty parking lots. Although this is a tragic reality for some women, the majority of rapes occur when there is some degree of trust..... Yet, less then 5% of date rapes are ever reported.
I reported mine but to no avail. The system that set in place to assist the victims of crime only raped me again. So I shut my mouth and went on about living a life that I no longer felt belonged to me.
Instead of getting counseling, I worked in the trenches: talking to young women about dangers of sexual assault; whether it is at the hands on someone you know or someone you don't; advocating for tougher laws and more stringent sentencing for those who commit sexual assault and holding the hands of those who are dealing with the aftermath, struggling to pick up the pieces of their lives and their shattered femininity.
It was my own form of therapy and I thought it was working. But as I listened to the call again, I realized I still have a long way to go in my own healing process. Not on the surface - my physical scars have long since faded; but the emotional scars that are hidden deep within and are still puckered and pink.
I used to think the details weren't important. After al I gave the details - in excruciating detail to a group of people that only turned them against me. But now I've come to realize that the details are crucial. Because the signs of control and rage that I saw only in hindsight might prevent someone else from suffering through the ongoing aftermath of rape.
My body was violated but so was the very essence of what makes me a woman.
And the reclamation of that essence has been my life's journey; manifesting itself through depression, eating disorders, low self-esteem and relationship issues that plagued me through my twenties. Now in my thirties, I still jump at shadows, unexpected movements and loud male voices.
Even in the most tender moments with my husband, a similar movement brings back hellish memories.
My self-esteem as a woman is still splintered but it is no longer shattered and I've started taking back what it rightfully mine.
I'm starting to feel myself.
And love myself.
Validate and believe: Rape victims need reassurance that the assault was not their fault and that their feelings are normal. Although you feel you might have reacted differently, remember that each person's reactions are uniquely theirs.
Create a safe place: Both emotionally and physically, it is important for the survivor to feel in control again.
Expression: The feelings of a survivor of sexual assault can be very strong. Expressing these powerful feelings in a safe environment is an important part of the healing process.
Offer options-not advice: Survivors often struggle with important and complex decisions. You can be most helpful by helping her identify all of the options available and supporting her in her decision making.
Most importantly, believe in the possibility of healing.
Continue to be blessed.
Thursday, December 08, 2005
No My First Name Ain't Baby
By Guest Blogger Shelia M. Goss
Never thought almost 20 years later, I would be singing lyrics to an old Janet Jackson song, "No, my first name ain't baby," but I am.
Why do men take it upon themselves to call women, "baby" during the course of a conversation?
Is it used as a term of endearment or does it go deeper than that?
Several years ago, a male friend, who we'll call "John," did something that surprised me. I observed him speak with several women over a span of a few hours. Each time they called, instead of saying their name, his initial greeting was "Hi Baby."
After the umpteenth call, I decided to ask him, "Why do you call those women Baby instead of using their names?"
His response surprised me. "It gives me time to either pick up on their voice or have them tell me who they are," he responded.
All I could say was, "Oh I see."
John taught me that evening to pay close attention to when a man uses the word "baby."
When I hear it now, I don't take the man too seriously. I find myself crinkling up whenever I hear it.
Does the word "baby" irritate you like it irritates me? Some men use the term so much that it becomes a habit. I've heard so many men use it out of habit that they probably aren't aware of how annoying it can be.
I tried to get over the annoyance when I met this new guy and he used it. Well that is, until I heard him use it when talking to a cashier, a mutual stranger, at the store. Afterwards, hearing him call me "baby" didn't hold that same warm fuzzy feeling it once did.
Men, please beware and don't use the word to every Sue, Jill, and Jane you come across. And women the next time a man says it to you, why not let him know that, "No my first name ain't baby, it's…"
It could be worse; they could be calling us another B word.
Shelia M Goss is a freelance writer and the Essence Bestselling author of My Invisible Husband, Roses are thorns, Violets are True and My Three Beaus.
Website: http://www.sheliagoss.com
Email: sheliagoss@aol.com
Blogs: http://myinvisiblehusband.blogspot.com
http://sheliagoss.blogspot.com
http://intheknowentertainment.blogspot.com
Never thought almost 20 years later, I would be singing lyrics to an old Janet Jackson song, "No, my first name ain't baby," but I am.
Why do men take it upon themselves to call women, "baby" during the course of a conversation?
Is it used as a term of endearment or does it go deeper than that?
Several years ago, a male friend, who we'll call "John," did something that surprised me. I observed him speak with several women over a span of a few hours. Each time they called, instead of saying their name, his initial greeting was "Hi Baby."
After the umpteenth call, I decided to ask him, "Why do you call those women Baby instead of using their names?"
His response surprised me. "It gives me time to either pick up on their voice or have them tell me who they are," he responded.
All I could say was, "Oh I see."
John taught me that evening to pay close attention to when a man uses the word "baby."
When I hear it now, I don't take the man too seriously. I find myself crinkling up whenever I hear it.
Does the word "baby" irritate you like it irritates me? Some men use the term so much that it becomes a habit. I've heard so many men use it out of habit that they probably aren't aware of how annoying it can be.
I tried to get over the annoyance when I met this new guy and he used it. Well that is, until I heard him use it when talking to a cashier, a mutual stranger, at the store. Afterwards, hearing him call me "baby" didn't hold that same warm fuzzy feeling it once did.
Men, please beware and don't use the word to every Sue, Jill, and Jane you come across. And women the next time a man says it to you, why not let him know that, "No my first name ain't baby, it's…"
It could be worse; they could be calling us another B word.
Shelia M Goss is a freelance writer and the Essence Bestselling author of My Invisible Husband, Roses are thorns, Violets are True and My Three Beaus.
Website: http://www.sheliagoss.com
Email: sheliagoss@aol.com
Blogs: http://myinvisiblehusband.blogspot.com
http://sheliagoss.blogspot.com
http://intheknowentertainment.blogspot.com
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
Affirmations for Adversity
Whenever you are doing BIG things, challenges will arise. That is a fact. It comes with the territory. Luke 12:48 states that, "To Whom Much Is Given, Much Is Required. Biggie said, "More money, more problems." From the Bible to Hip-Hop, the message is the same. Adversity is the direct challenge to prosperity. And there's no way to get around it. You have to meet it head on. And that's what I'm doing - armed with my affirmations. I thought I'd share.
AFFIRMATIONS:
There are revelations and new growth. I accept. I am grateful.
I welcome the challenge that life is. Focus is set to uncover present blessings and see what's so that's good. Within are unborn possibilities of limitless potential.
I am grateful for new ideas, new strength, new vision that carry me into a future unlike the past.
I pay attention to thoughts of good, positive actions, feelings of assurance. All endings are refreshing beginnings. New good is on its way to me today. Gratitude abounds.
I am alert and awake in all challenges. Certainty of good outcomes guide my way today.
There are good things in store for me, gratitude opens amazing new perspectives of possibility for each moment.
There are ways beyond ways, there is good beyond good, there is power beyond power. I envision my self there, each day, gratefully.
Now there are doors where windows used to be and we are thankful.
AFFIRMATIONS:
There are revelations and new growth. I accept. I am grateful.
I welcome the challenge that life is. Focus is set to uncover present blessings and see what's so that's good. Within are unborn possibilities of limitless potential.
I am grateful for new ideas, new strength, new vision that carry me into a future unlike the past.
I pay attention to thoughts of good, positive actions, feelings of assurance. All endings are refreshing beginnings. New good is on its way to me today. Gratitude abounds.
I am alert and awake in all challenges. Certainty of good outcomes guide my way today.
There are good things in store for me, gratitude opens amazing new perspectives of possibility for each moment.
There are ways beyond ways, there is good beyond good, there is power beyond power. I envision my self there, each day, gratefully.
Now there are doors where windows used to be and we are thankful.
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
Moving Day
Note: I started a new blog. Kinda had too. This one will be devoted to Cry Me A River, the sequel to Easier Said Than Done. I was writing Chapter Two and I realized that it was getting a bit racy. Uh huh, racy. Author Sylvia Hubbard will appreciate that. Her only critique for Easier Said Than Done was that my love songs weren't long enough and for lack of a better word - detailed enough. Well, that's not the case here. I'll provide the link each time I add a chapter and will continue posing thoughts, affirmations and other inspirational tidbits on this blog.
Thanks in advance for your cooperation! :)
Thanks in advance for your cooperation! :)
Monday, December 05, 2005
I've Been Tagged!
Tayari Jones has "tagged" me! My assignment: to write fifteen interesting facts about my writing/reading life. I'm not sure I have that many but Imma give it a black girl try. PS. What is written on the blog, stays on the blog. You'll see what I mean in a minute.
Writing:
1. Most of my creativity comes while I am at work which can be sort of inconvenient since I am not getting paid to write!
2. I listen to reggae mainly to type.
3. I talk outloud to myself when I am trying to work through dialogue but only answer 50 percent of the time.
4. I run movie marathons for my kids when I'm under deadline. I thought about the NyQuil solution but didn't resort to it.
5. I am obsessive about cleaning my computer monitor when writing. Stray potato chip flake can often be mistaken for commas.
Reading:
6. I judge a book by it's cover. I've admitted it - which is the first step - and I am seeking help.
7. If per chance you are perusing my recent reading material and you happen to find a fingerprint it will be cheese flavored guaranteed. It's my favorite reading food.
8. Naked is better in most things that you do; especially reading.
9. A glass of wine will improve most anyone's writing skills.
10. Erotica still makes me blush; naked or otherwise.
If I disclose anymore, I just may have to kill you. Mission complete. Cydney Rax and Shelia Goss ... tag you're it.
Writing:
1. Most of my creativity comes while I am at work which can be sort of inconvenient since I am not getting paid to write!
2. I listen to reggae mainly to type.
3. I talk outloud to myself when I am trying to work through dialogue but only answer 50 percent of the time.
4. I run movie marathons for my kids when I'm under deadline. I thought about the NyQuil solution but didn't resort to it.
5. I am obsessive about cleaning my computer monitor when writing. Stray potato chip flake can often be mistaken for commas.
Reading:
6. I judge a book by it's cover. I've admitted it - which is the first step - and I am seeking help.
7. If per chance you are perusing my recent reading material and you happen to find a fingerprint it will be cheese flavored guaranteed. It's my favorite reading food.
8. Naked is better in most things that you do; especially reading.
9. A glass of wine will improve most anyone's writing skills.
10. Erotica still makes me blush; naked or otherwise.
If I disclose anymore, I just may have to kill you. Mission complete. Cydney Rax and Shelia Goss ... tag you're it.
Tuesday, November 29, 2005
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