Today, I’m packing up my boys and sending them out of town for a week for Spring Break, and, like mamas everywhere, I’m facing a universal dilemma: What will happen if their Nintendo DS runs out of battery power? And, God forbid, I didn’t send enough fruit snacks?
It’s a new day for travel and travel expectations for kids. Passports and luggage designed to fit in the overhead bin on a plane are a must-have for this generation of kids.
Road trips were more the norm for families when we were growing up, although, since my parents are Jamaican, my sister and I did begin traveling by air at an early age.
That was before 9/11, of course, when you could bring fireworks, an industrial-sized bottle of lotion and keep your shoes on going through what was then considered “security” - and you got a real meal on the plane.
But most summers were spent in the station wagon with not only my immediate family, but at any given time, cousins, grandmothers and friends could be piled in as well. My father’s goal was to visit all 50 states and most of the Canadian provinces. And we did. Those cross-country trips are the basis for some of my fondest memories.
I remember one trip in particular when my first cousins, Kara and Susan, hit the road with us. I think we were in Kentucky, and I convinced them to leave the hotel and wander through the vacant field and jump a fence to check things out. The phrase “explore our environment” was born from that adventure, and I guess that is what I love so much about traveling. Exploring new places and learning about different people and cultures has always been a huge thrill for me.
And I’m glad that I can do the same for my children. I just don’t know when it got to be so complicated.
When it comes to my two, let’s just say it’s not my daddy’s family vacation.
Not to imply that my daddy wouldn’t try to run it if he could. The last vacation we all took together, he sent out a mandate that no one would be able to check luggage for a one-week trip to Jamaica. Now, you’re dealing with three grown women and six kids, but Dad had a plan, and that included one bag of checked luggage for all of our liquids - and trust me, there comes a point in a woman’s life when there are some liquids you don’t want your daddy knowing about. But, as always, once my dad settles on a goal, it is going to be accomplished.
If I take into account my boys’ game systems, the chargers, cell phone, etc., they’re rolling with enough technology to turn a TSA worker’s hair gray. That, compared to my She-Ra: Princess of Power backpack filled with candy, gum, lip gloss and a Word Search magazine.
And of course, it all falls on me. Never mind the fact that my break begins as soon as their plane takes off, and I have to search for matching bras and panties, get a pedicure, wax and thread - don’t ask. Right now, my mind is on making sure their sword-bearing Star Wars characters won’t be confiscated and figuring out how long Lunchables can hold up off of ice if there’s a flight delay. It's literally keeping me up all night.
But my kids aren’t losing any sleep. Air travel for them is second nature. At ages six and eight, they have they’ve already flown alone four times, versus me ..... having taken my first solo flight in college.
My youngest has flown so much, he may not be able to land a plane, but he sure can tell you what to do in case of an emergency. He studied that laminated sheet of instructions so thoroughly, once it prompted a woman near him to say, “If something goes wrong, I’m following him.”
Most of their friends are heading some where out of town for Spring Break too, which raises another question: What are they really breaking from? College kids taking a Spring Break makes a lot of sense, but I’m wondering whether first- and second-graders need a respite from addition and subtraction. On the other hand, their mamas sure do, and when I look at it that way, it makes a win-win situation.
Back when fewer moms worked outside of the home, Spring Break was really a time for kids to bond - with rags, furniture polish, brooms and Windex. And it made perfect sense. Mom did the bulk of the cleaning all year long, and she had to look forward to a week of free labor. Today, a lot of mamas I know - married and single, me included - take the week of Spring Break to grab some much needed and deserved Mama-time for ourselves. Whether they are turning it into a girlfriends get away or rejuvenating their relationships with their men, the no-kid zone cones are up and in full effect. So, when we reunite with our little loved ones when Spring Break ends, we all appreciate each other a little more.
Sometimes I meet moms who say they can’t imagine spending days, let alone a week or two, away from their children. I can’t even begin to wrap my brain around that one. Spending time away from each other makes me a better mom, and I think it makes my kids better too. I admit there are sometimes challenges to contend with. No one does everything exactly like you do, and that’s something you and your kids need to come to appreciate.
There’s a chance of you missing out on them losing a tooth or, if you have girls, other landmark events as they get older. And sure, they make pick up some colorful language, a new dialect or even come back dressed in an outfit that makes you shudder. But all in all, we get a lesson in trusting others, letting go, and reclaiming our respective grooves. If only for a week.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Tuesday, March 02, 2010
Tyler, Today You Are a Man
There comes a time in every black person’s life when it truly hits home that you’re black in America.
My eight-year old son, Tyler, has now joined the ranks of those who have been initiated and is now a proud, badge-carrying member. But I’ll get back to that a little bit later.
I wasn’t sure I was going to even write a blog about Black History Month, and, as you can see, it took me a while to wrap my mind around the whole topic, seeing as we are now into March. But after I attended a Black History Month program with my two sons, my oldest son turned to me and asked when we were going to celebrate White History Month. My response: Baby, we celebrate White History all the time. They cleverly disguise it as American History.
His mouth formed a small O, but I could tell his brain was working overtime, so I started listing examples from his recent social studies test – George Washington, Abraham Lincoln ...
And then the inevitable happened: My precious eight year old pointed out that since we are American, we should be included in American history. He stubbornly ended with "Having just one month for brown people isn’t fair."
Tyler isn’t the only one wondering why we still focus on just one month to bring black history to the forefront. Both black and white critics are still raising the question, "Is Black History Month still needed?" Some say that it’s necessary because African-American history still isn't yet fully integrated into American history, and we still have to have a Black History Month to remind people how much we contributed to this country. Others disagree, saying that black history is intrinsically American, so much broader than just one month. Having a Black History Month has become a tradition, but we have to seriously consider whether or not it is time to move on.
But let’s backtrack.
Last week, in a major discount retail center, as I tried to give my eight-year-old a lesson on shopping for deals after Valentine’s Day, he got another lesson altogether. As we were checking out, the cashier noticed the tag was missing on the $2.25 stuffed animal. Tyler offered to go get another one so the cashier didn’t have to. And then - three weeks into Black History Month - it went down.
The white woman in charge of checking receipts stopped us and says to Tyler, “I need to make sure you paid for that animal because I saw you running back and forth with it. And we have problems with stealing.”
I immediately went to see the (young, African American) male manager to explain the situation, and he was very apologetic. I asked for the GENERAL manager's information, and he was mortified. But when I handed him my business card, he almost peed on himself. It was a little bit of comfort, but not nearly enough when I considered my son’s hurt feelings and my outrage at being treated poorly based on the color of our skin.
The bigger point is that even though I sure saw it as racism, I’m pretty sure my son didn’t.
And that’s part of the dilemma. How do you tell a wide-eyed child, who has nothing but love in heart, that he will be disliked, judged, rejected, detained, profiled and sometimes worse because of the color of his skin? He’s got white friends, white teammates, white teachers. How scary would it be for him to feel he needs to have a sudden distrust of people he cares about and looks up to?
But in the end, all my son really knew was that he was accused of something he would never would have done by someone who didn’t know him well enough to know whether he would have or not — which, when you think about it, pretty much defines prejudice. The mean old woman pre-judged my boy.
Tyler, because he is a black male, will also potentially be pre-judged by admissions directors, job interviewers, recruiters - you name it. And I won’t always be there to make it better.
Stephen Covey says that “There are only two lasting bequests we can give our children – one is roots, the other wings.”
I admit I take a more WHOLE-istic approach to teaching our history to my children. They come from a rich history on both sides of the family – African-American and Jamaican. It’s extremely important to me that they are aware of those that came before and to have pride in their roots.
When they found out their grandfather was the first African-American mayor in the town we grew up in and that my maternal great-great-grandfather helped to found a city in Jamaica, their little chests puffed up with pride. And yes, they eat their peanut butter and jelly sandwiches with a little more purpose now that they know that a black man was the inspiration behind one of their favorite foods.
The truth is kids who have a strong sense of self and understand their heritage feel validated and don’t look for that validation in unwise places.
When we discuss discrimination and diversity, we sometimes forget that the world we are living in does not belong to us, but rather, our children. They are the ones who inherit our fears, loves, prejudices, etc. They learn it by watching us. In short, children remind us of how simple, complicated and absurd intolerance is. They inspire us to change.
And a change is still needed in the world. Yes it starts with us - and maybe a month. Although I think that learning about who you are and where you come from should be ongoing – 365 days a year – I think some still need an in-your-face reminder about the contributions that African-Americans have made.
In fact, after the in-your-face, impromptu lesson my eight-year-old got this February, I’m sure of it.
My eight-year old son, Tyler, has now joined the ranks of those who have been initiated and is now a proud, badge-carrying member. But I’ll get back to that a little bit later.
I wasn’t sure I was going to even write a blog about Black History Month, and, as you can see, it took me a while to wrap my mind around the whole topic, seeing as we are now into March. But after I attended a Black History Month program with my two sons, my oldest son turned to me and asked when we were going to celebrate White History Month. My response: Baby, we celebrate White History all the time. They cleverly disguise it as American History.
His mouth formed a small O, but I could tell his brain was working overtime, so I started listing examples from his recent social studies test – George Washington, Abraham Lincoln ...
And then the inevitable happened: My precious eight year old pointed out that since we are American, we should be included in American history. He stubbornly ended with "Having just one month for brown people isn’t fair."
Tyler isn’t the only one wondering why we still focus on just one month to bring black history to the forefront. Both black and white critics are still raising the question, "Is Black History Month still needed?" Some say that it’s necessary because African-American history still isn't yet fully integrated into American history, and we still have to have a Black History Month to remind people how much we contributed to this country. Others disagree, saying that black history is intrinsically American, so much broader than just one month. Having a Black History Month has become a tradition, but we have to seriously consider whether or not it is time to move on.
But let’s backtrack.
Last week, in a major discount retail center, as I tried to give my eight-year-old a lesson on shopping for deals after Valentine’s Day, he got another lesson altogether. As we were checking out, the cashier noticed the tag was missing on the $2.25 stuffed animal. Tyler offered to go get another one so the cashier didn’t have to. And then - three weeks into Black History Month - it went down.
The white woman in charge of checking receipts stopped us and says to Tyler, “I need to make sure you paid for that animal because I saw you running back and forth with it. And we have problems with stealing.”
I immediately went to see the (young, African American) male manager to explain the situation, and he was very apologetic. I asked for the GENERAL manager's information, and he was mortified. But when I handed him my business card, he almost peed on himself. It was a little bit of comfort, but not nearly enough when I considered my son’s hurt feelings and my outrage at being treated poorly based on the color of our skin.
The bigger point is that even though I sure saw it as racism, I’m pretty sure my son didn’t.
And that’s part of the dilemma. How do you tell a wide-eyed child, who has nothing but love in heart, that he will be disliked, judged, rejected, detained, profiled and sometimes worse because of the color of his skin? He’s got white friends, white teammates, white teachers. How scary would it be for him to feel he needs to have a sudden distrust of people he cares about and looks up to?
But in the end, all my son really knew was that he was accused of something he would never would have done by someone who didn’t know him well enough to know whether he would have or not — which, when you think about it, pretty much defines prejudice. The mean old woman pre-judged my boy.
Tyler, because he is a black male, will also potentially be pre-judged by admissions directors, job interviewers, recruiters - you name it. And I won’t always be there to make it better.
Stephen Covey says that “There are only two lasting bequests we can give our children – one is roots, the other wings.”
I admit I take a more WHOLE-istic approach to teaching our history to my children. They come from a rich history on both sides of the family – African-American and Jamaican. It’s extremely important to me that they are aware of those that came before and to have pride in their roots.
When they found out their grandfather was the first African-American mayor in the town we grew up in and that my maternal great-great-grandfather helped to found a city in Jamaica, their little chests puffed up with pride. And yes, they eat their peanut butter and jelly sandwiches with a little more purpose now that they know that a black man was the inspiration behind one of their favorite foods.
The truth is kids who have a strong sense of self and understand their heritage feel validated and don’t look for that validation in unwise places.
When we discuss discrimination and diversity, we sometimes forget that the world we are living in does not belong to us, but rather, our children. They are the ones who inherit our fears, loves, prejudices, etc. They learn it by watching us. In short, children remind us of how simple, complicated and absurd intolerance is. They inspire us to change.
And a change is still needed in the world. Yes it starts with us - and maybe a month. Although I think that learning about who you are and where you come from should be ongoing – 365 days a year – I think some still need an in-your-face reminder about the contributions that African-Americans have made.
In fact, after the in-your-face, impromptu lesson my eight-year-old got this February, I’m sure of it.
Monday, February 22, 2010
Sex, Lies and Text Messages
Maybe it's best that I have sons. Because the day my daughter would look in my eyes and ask me why men lie, I would not have an answer for her. I wish that I'd be able to say that was a generalization. But then, I'd be lying.
Not that women don't lie too; I get that. But that's not what we're talking about today. Sorry! Men lie because they can't handle the reaction of being truthful - and because often make it very easy for men to lie.
On Friday, I watched Tiger Woods’ press conference with two female co-workers, and all three of us pretty much shared the same sentiments: The only thing worse than a cheating, lying man is a cheating, lying man trying to explain why he won’t cheat and lie anymore.
Let’s face it: Tiger wasn’t standing in front of the media - and the world - promising to be a better husband and better man because he had change of heart, had found a new sense of love or appreciation for what he stood to lose or because it was the right thing to do. Tiger Woods promised to be a be a better husband and better man because he got caught. Had the Thanksgiving weekend incident not happened, if my math is correct, by now he’d probably be on woman 38.
Those of us watching the press conference were of different ages, one single, one divorced and one married, yet we all agreed that the best damage-control Tiger could have done at that point was to walk in front of the cameras without a script and say, "I’m going back to work, and I will handle my personal business at home."
No one but Tiger’s wife needed to hear him make the promises that most of us have heard at least once in our lives: “I made a mistake, I was wrong, and I want to prove to you that I won’t make it again.” Surely Tiger had already said those words to his wife. So why was he saying it to the media?
If he had kept that part of his personal life private, it wouldn’t be the topic of conversation, news reports, and yes, blogs. But since he didn’t, I have no problem weighing in.
Elin Woods, like many women, was faced with the decision to continue to live with a very flawed man or to leave him. It’s as simple as that. The difference between her and most women is that she has to make the decision with the world watching.
It is said that the second most intense life stress is loss of love. The first is death. But I question this. Both are final. Both, in most cases, result in the physical removal of someone special from your life. Both result in the loss of a way of life we have become familiar with. Both result in the lingering torment of things that were never said.
However, with death, you have the peace of knowing you were in your lost loved one's heart. You know you were not abandoned purposely, cast aside or rejected. With death, you can take off work and get sympathy. You are given gifts of comfort and understanding. You can go through closing rituals, and you can feel contentment that your beloved is in a better place.
But with breakups, separation or divorce, even though you have the assurance that they are still alive somewhere on this Earth, that person's love was intentionally withdrawn from you! They opted to leave you. And when they leave you with a trail of lies blowing in the wind behind them, it only magnifies the hurt.
I wouldn’t want to be in Elin’s shoes for all the money in Tiger Woods' bank account.
If she had it to do over again, maybe she would have done everything she could have to keep her very private matter with her husband private. Instead, it spilled out into the street ... and, as they say, the rest is history.
Some of us have done the same - made a big, loud display out of something that happened at home. The problem is - and then what? When you put your business out there, there’s no turning back. Then your problem is not just with you and whoever the issue is between, but with your mama, your daddy, your girlfriends, your co-workers - and who needs that added stress?
The reason so many women had little or no love for Tiger and his apology is that many women have heard those words before. And they know that words without action are nothing.
What Elin and most women say they want is honesty. But do we really? What if Tiger’s truth was that he loves his wife, but he also needs to have several other women in order to be happy? Would she accept that? Would we?
In the past month, the lies and eventual truths of men have caused me to wonder if my honesty actually acts as deterrent to theirs. If I openly give my heart to a man and react honestly to things I want and don't want, does this make him lie to make me believe he wants the same things? Does any one truthfully want honesty in any relationship? Or do we all really want to be made to feel better all the time? If I can't accept your truth, have I encouraged you to lie?
Should I be grateful to someone for saying early on that he's in no position to be the person I need him to be, or should I be grateful to the person who did a good job pretending that he could be - until his lies caught up with him?
I don't have the answers.
But I do know that while changing the way I react may be in order, changing the way I love isn't. My heart is pure, even if my actions and reactions aren't always that way. When women are driven to extreme measures - whether it's bashing out teeth with a nine-iron or putting up billboards all over town - based on the lies they've been told or truths that they haven't been able to accept, they're allowing someone else to control who they are. And that should never happen.
Relationships are complicated enough when they’re going well, and when trouble rears its ugly head, how you start has a huge bearing on how you finish. One guy recently sent me a text message to apologize for his disappearing act, saying that as much as he wanted to, he couldn’t be the man I deserved and didn’t want to mess up my life. Another male friend of mine – who was angling to be more – told me over dinner in the beginning of our relationship that he could be a jerk, often thinks of himself before his mate and has a weakness for threesomes.
Check, please!
I’ve learned the hard way that honesty is always the best policy – a little hurt in the beginning is always better than a lot of hurt later.
And that’s what I teach my sons.
Not that women don't lie too; I get that. But that's not what we're talking about today. Sorry! Men lie because they can't handle the reaction of being truthful - and because often make it very easy for men to lie.
On Friday, I watched Tiger Woods’ press conference with two female co-workers, and all three of us pretty much shared the same sentiments: The only thing worse than a cheating, lying man is a cheating, lying man trying to explain why he won’t cheat and lie anymore.
Let’s face it: Tiger wasn’t standing in front of the media - and the world - promising to be a better husband and better man because he had change of heart, had found a new sense of love or appreciation for what he stood to lose or because it was the right thing to do. Tiger Woods promised to be a be a better husband and better man because he got caught. Had the Thanksgiving weekend incident not happened, if my math is correct, by now he’d probably be on woman 38.
Those of us watching the press conference were of different ages, one single, one divorced and one married, yet we all agreed that the best damage-control Tiger could have done at that point was to walk in front of the cameras without a script and say, "I’m going back to work, and I will handle my personal business at home."
No one but Tiger’s wife needed to hear him make the promises that most of us have heard at least once in our lives: “I made a mistake, I was wrong, and I want to prove to you that I won’t make it again.” Surely Tiger had already said those words to his wife. So why was he saying it to the media?
If he had kept that part of his personal life private, it wouldn’t be the topic of conversation, news reports, and yes, blogs. But since he didn’t, I have no problem weighing in.
Elin Woods, like many women, was faced with the decision to continue to live with a very flawed man or to leave him. It’s as simple as that. The difference between her and most women is that she has to make the decision with the world watching.
It is said that the second most intense life stress is loss of love. The first is death. But I question this. Both are final. Both, in most cases, result in the physical removal of someone special from your life. Both result in the loss of a way of life we have become familiar with. Both result in the lingering torment of things that were never said.
However, with death, you have the peace of knowing you were in your lost loved one's heart. You know you were not abandoned purposely, cast aside or rejected. With death, you can take off work and get sympathy. You are given gifts of comfort and understanding. You can go through closing rituals, and you can feel contentment that your beloved is in a better place.
But with breakups, separation or divorce, even though you have the assurance that they are still alive somewhere on this Earth, that person's love was intentionally withdrawn from you! They opted to leave you. And when they leave you with a trail of lies blowing in the wind behind them, it only magnifies the hurt.
I wouldn’t want to be in Elin’s shoes for all the money in Tiger Woods' bank account.
If she had it to do over again, maybe she would have done everything she could have to keep her very private matter with her husband private. Instead, it spilled out into the street ... and, as they say, the rest is history.
Some of us have done the same - made a big, loud display out of something that happened at home. The problem is - and then what? When you put your business out there, there’s no turning back. Then your problem is not just with you and whoever the issue is between, but with your mama, your daddy, your girlfriends, your co-workers - and who needs that added stress?
The reason so many women had little or no love for Tiger and his apology is that many women have heard those words before. And they know that words without action are nothing.
What Elin and most women say they want is honesty. But do we really? What if Tiger’s truth was that he loves his wife, but he also needs to have several other women in order to be happy? Would she accept that? Would we?
In the past month, the lies and eventual truths of men have caused me to wonder if my honesty actually acts as deterrent to theirs. If I openly give my heart to a man and react honestly to things I want and don't want, does this make him lie to make me believe he wants the same things? Does any one truthfully want honesty in any relationship? Or do we all really want to be made to feel better all the time? If I can't accept your truth, have I encouraged you to lie?
Should I be grateful to someone for saying early on that he's in no position to be the person I need him to be, or should I be grateful to the person who did a good job pretending that he could be - until his lies caught up with him?
I don't have the answers.
But I do know that while changing the way I react may be in order, changing the way I love isn't. My heart is pure, even if my actions and reactions aren't always that way. When women are driven to extreme measures - whether it's bashing out teeth with a nine-iron or putting up billboards all over town - based on the lies they've been told or truths that they haven't been able to accept, they're allowing someone else to control who they are. And that should never happen.
Relationships are complicated enough when they’re going well, and when trouble rears its ugly head, how you start has a huge bearing on how you finish. One guy recently sent me a text message to apologize for his disappearing act, saying that as much as he wanted to, he couldn’t be the man I deserved and didn’t want to mess up my life. Another male friend of mine – who was angling to be more – told me over dinner in the beginning of our relationship that he could be a jerk, often thinks of himself before his mate and has a weakness for threesomes.
Check, please!
I’ve learned the hard way that honesty is always the best policy – a little hurt in the beginning is always better than a lot of hurt later.
And that’s what I teach my sons.
Friday, February 19, 2010
Breast-Feeding: To Be or Not to Be?
Are you ride or die when it comes to the advantages of breast-feeding? Or are you “lactate” intolerant?
Nikki Woods and Mary Boyce – proud members of Mamas Gone Wild - have two differing points of view, and yet, almost perfect children.
I - Nikki Woods - don’t care how many degrees I don’t have, how many studies I haven’t conducted or how many women I haven’t examined - I AM an expert on breast feeding. If you’re a mom, whether you chose to breast feed your child(ren) or not, you’re an expert too. I deem it right here on this blog page. No doctor, scientist, nutritionist - male or female - knows more about this topic than I do. Because no one knows me like I do.
Breast-feeding is a personal choice, and I’ve never regretted my decision not to do it. I love my boys and always have been committed to them and their well-being. They are six and eight, perfectly healthy, smart, happy and well-adjusted. There’s no way you could tell me they’d be better than they already are if they had been breast-fed.
When my first son was born, I was the co-host of a morning radio show in Chicago. I loved and needed my job and knew enough about what was expected of me by my employers and myself that breast-feeding would not be a workable plan. But more importantly, because of injuries from a previous domestic violence incident that occurred years before I met and married my babies’ daddy – my doctor advised me that attempting to breast-feed could cause a serious infection in my milk ducts and may do harm not only to me, but to the baby.
I share this mainly to let those inclined to judge know that every situation is different. There are all kinds of perfectly good reasons that women like me chose - and will continue to choose - not to breast feed.
Too often, women are made to feel that their personal preferences should be put aside or even ignored and find themselves caving under pressure from people who won’t be effected by the decision one way or the other. For me, breast-feeding would have added a layer to my life that I wasn’t willing to take on. My option was to do what millions of women do, which is to feed my babies formula.
I think that bullying women into breast-feeding and vilifying those who don’t places undue pressure on a new mother who already feels the weight of the world on her shoulders. It is wrong to make mothers feel that because they bottle-feed or bottle-fed their babies - from birth, as a supplement or after a return to work — they are unnatural, negligent, selfish idiots.
I don’t think women who can’t or don’t want to comply with the recommendations should feel guilty.
Maybe they’re doing other things that are good for their children, like reading to them, making sure they eat good food and get exercise — things that are as important or maybe more important in the long term. Lifestyle, health and diet are as important as or more important than breast-feeding.
But in recent days, I have found that it is hard to bring this point of view forward without being accused of being anti-breast, anti-child, anti-motherhood, anti-all-that-is-decent-and-good-in-the-world. Pardon the pun, but that sucks.
In a perfect world, maybe I would have breast-fed too, but I also would only feed my children organic food, would never have exposed them to "Spongebob Squarepants," and the Nintendo DS would have been akin to the devil.
But it’s not a perfect world.
Now, my friend and co-worker, Mary Flowers Boyce, has a different spin on the same situation, but I'll let her tell you about it.
---
Thanks, Nikki! LOL.
My parents were part of a “progressive” generation, where most things connected with the “old” ways of doing things were shunned. Forget about what their grandparents did or how well they did it; they were intent on being part of middle-class suburbia and took most of their cues from television ads. My mom didn’t breast-feed any of her children and neither did any of her friends. It was too yesterday. And yes, we formula-fed babies turned out fine - no ear infections, no weight issues, all college-educated.
But, by the time I became pregnant in the '90s, there was a total shift toward breast-feeding, and if you didn’t do it, you better have a damn good reason. There was no doubt in my mind that I would breast-feed my children, and my husband was on board too. We bought into all of the hype. And I’m not sorry that we did.
Not that it was easy. OMG. The first few days were brutal. I don’t know who was more frustrated - me, my daughter, my husband or my mom. It seems to be one of the most natural things in the world, but for Erin and me, it was a learning process. “Latching on” was something neither of us got the hang of until she was a few days old. It really took lots of patience, determination and coordination ... like learning to drive a stick-shift.
Even when we did get on point, I was never sure whether she was getting enough milk. We were both cranky, and neither of us was sleeping very well. My husband, my mom - and later, my mother-in-law - felt helpless. When I needed them most, there was nothing they could do but watch us struggle. Finally, everything came together, but when it came time for me to return to work, I had to use a breast pump - and that was no fun at all.
So, would I do it again? I guess I would because I did. When my son was born 16 months later - there goes the myth that breast-feeding is a birth control method! - I got back on the horse, and I have to admit it was much easier. I was more comfortable and in control, and he (maybe because was a dude! LOL) needed very little direction. Did I mention he was nine pounds, nine ounces at birth?
I salute those soldiers who breast-feed children until their babies are two years old, but my boy needed more than I had to give by the time he was three months old. And, by the way - I don’t care what anyone says - my breasts have never been the same. Instead of all my breast feeding buddies telling me all the good stuff, at least one could have told me that a push-up bra would become my new best friend.
Over the years, I’ve read plenty about breast feeding and have heard enough to last a lifetime. But what has stood out the most - and what I think is often missed - is that the first liquid that’s released from a lactating mother’s breast, colostrum, contains important antibodies and nutrients that are extremely beneficial to babies. It’s even said to aid in healthy brain, heart and central nervous system development. So, essentially, after a few days of breast-feeding, you’ve given your child a great start. For me, that’s the happy medium that is a win-win situation for moms who have other things to do besides feed our children.
I’m not certain that breast-feeding for six months with my first and three months with my second made my kids any better than they would have been or whether it makes me a better mom. I am sure that I exercised my personal right to make the choice that was best for me. And if you’re pregnant, you should too.
Nikki Woods and Mary Boyce – proud members of Mamas Gone Wild - have two differing points of view, and yet, almost perfect children.
I - Nikki Woods - don’t care how many degrees I don’t have, how many studies I haven’t conducted or how many women I haven’t examined - I AM an expert on breast feeding. If you’re a mom, whether you chose to breast feed your child(ren) or not, you’re an expert too. I deem it right here on this blog page. No doctor, scientist, nutritionist - male or female - knows more about this topic than I do. Because no one knows me like I do.
Breast-feeding is a personal choice, and I’ve never regretted my decision not to do it. I love my boys and always have been committed to them and their well-being. They are six and eight, perfectly healthy, smart, happy and well-adjusted. There’s no way you could tell me they’d be better than they already are if they had been breast-fed.
When my first son was born, I was the co-host of a morning radio show in Chicago. I loved and needed my job and knew enough about what was expected of me by my employers and myself that breast-feeding would not be a workable plan. But more importantly, because of injuries from a previous domestic violence incident that occurred years before I met and married my babies’ daddy – my doctor advised me that attempting to breast-feed could cause a serious infection in my milk ducts and may do harm not only to me, but to the baby.
I share this mainly to let those inclined to judge know that every situation is different. There are all kinds of perfectly good reasons that women like me chose - and will continue to choose - not to breast feed.
Too often, women are made to feel that their personal preferences should be put aside or even ignored and find themselves caving under pressure from people who won’t be effected by the decision one way or the other. For me, breast-feeding would have added a layer to my life that I wasn’t willing to take on. My option was to do what millions of women do, which is to feed my babies formula.
I think that bullying women into breast-feeding and vilifying those who don’t places undue pressure on a new mother who already feels the weight of the world on her shoulders. It is wrong to make mothers feel that because they bottle-feed or bottle-fed their babies - from birth, as a supplement or after a return to work — they are unnatural, negligent, selfish idiots.
I don’t think women who can’t or don’t want to comply with the recommendations should feel guilty.
Maybe they’re doing other things that are good for their children, like reading to them, making sure they eat good food and get exercise — things that are as important or maybe more important in the long term. Lifestyle, health and diet are as important as or more important than breast-feeding.
But in recent days, I have found that it is hard to bring this point of view forward without being accused of being anti-breast, anti-child, anti-motherhood, anti-all-that-is-decent-and-good-in-the-world. Pardon the pun, but that sucks.
In a perfect world, maybe I would have breast-fed too, but I also would only feed my children organic food, would never have exposed them to "Spongebob Squarepants," and the Nintendo DS would have been akin to the devil.
But it’s not a perfect world.
Now, my friend and co-worker, Mary Flowers Boyce, has a different spin on the same situation, but I'll let her tell you about it.
---
Thanks, Nikki! LOL.
My parents were part of a “progressive” generation, where most things connected with the “old” ways of doing things were shunned. Forget about what their grandparents did or how well they did it; they were intent on being part of middle-class suburbia and took most of their cues from television ads. My mom didn’t breast-feed any of her children and neither did any of her friends. It was too yesterday. And yes, we formula-fed babies turned out fine - no ear infections, no weight issues, all college-educated.
But, by the time I became pregnant in the '90s, there was a total shift toward breast-feeding, and if you didn’t do it, you better have a damn good reason. There was no doubt in my mind that I would breast-feed my children, and my husband was on board too. We bought into all of the hype. And I’m not sorry that we did.
Not that it was easy. OMG. The first few days were brutal. I don’t know who was more frustrated - me, my daughter, my husband or my mom. It seems to be one of the most natural things in the world, but for Erin and me, it was a learning process. “Latching on” was something neither of us got the hang of until she was a few days old. It really took lots of patience, determination and coordination ... like learning to drive a stick-shift.
Even when we did get on point, I was never sure whether she was getting enough milk. We were both cranky, and neither of us was sleeping very well. My husband, my mom - and later, my mother-in-law - felt helpless. When I needed them most, there was nothing they could do but watch us struggle. Finally, everything came together, but when it came time for me to return to work, I had to use a breast pump - and that was no fun at all.
So, would I do it again? I guess I would because I did. When my son was born 16 months later - there goes the myth that breast-feeding is a birth control method! - I got back on the horse, and I have to admit it was much easier. I was more comfortable and in control, and he (maybe because was a dude! LOL) needed very little direction. Did I mention he was nine pounds, nine ounces at birth?
I salute those soldiers who breast-feed children until their babies are two years old, but my boy needed more than I had to give by the time he was three months old. And, by the way - I don’t care what anyone says - my breasts have never been the same. Instead of all my breast feeding buddies telling me all the good stuff, at least one could have told me that a push-up bra would become my new best friend.
Over the years, I’ve read plenty about breast feeding and have heard enough to last a lifetime. But what has stood out the most - and what I think is often missed - is that the first liquid that’s released from a lactating mother’s breast, colostrum, contains important antibodies and nutrients that are extremely beneficial to babies. It’s even said to aid in healthy brain, heart and central nervous system development. So, essentially, after a few days of breast-feeding, you’ve given your child a great start. For me, that’s the happy medium that is a win-win situation for moms who have other things to do besides feed our children.
I’m not certain that breast-feeding for six months with my first and three months with my second made my kids any better than they would have been or whether it makes me a better mom. I am sure that I exercised my personal right to make the choice that was best for me. And if you’re pregnant, you should too.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Changing Colors
So yet another Valentine's Day has come and gone ... and on this post-Valentine's Day Tuesday, a lot of people are still disappointed.
I have many girlfriends who had flowers delivered to their office just to give the appearance of a romantic and thoughtful boyfriend or husband waiting in the wings to fulfill all of their Valentine's expectations. And I admit, after getting a beautiful bouquet mix of roses and lilies sent to my office by the real thing, I was tempted to leave my door open all week long for the haters to see. (Kidding, but not really.)
Whether you were appreciated by someone else or appreciated yourself, having expectations in our culture is normal and ... well, expected. We are brought up that way.
Having great expectations sounds great, however, when the expectation is unfulfilled, we bitch, we moan, we become disappointed. And that becomes a problem. If I expect you to love me a certain way, and your love doesn't show up that way for me, I’m mad. So it’s easy to imagine how quickly a person can get caught up on the one day that we, as a universe, celebrate love.
For weeks leading to Valentine’s Day, we are immersed in all things love. We let advertisers, acquaintances and strangers define what our love is supposed to look like. So, even though you or I am content with the love we’re getting, we find ourselves questioning that love or putting new - and sometimes unrealistic - pressure on that love, and for what? So that Hallmark, the flower delivery industry, the candy biz and restaurant franchises can get richer. We spend time hating on those who had picture-perfect Valentine’s weekends instead of finding the goodness in what we've got at home.
A good friend once said to me when I was feeling a little envious about her Valentine's Day, "Shall I tell you about the Valentine's Day that he didn't come home at all?"
That was a stark reminder that the color of love reflected in our lives today may have not been so vibrant in a different season. By the way, her Valentine’s Day this year was less than stellar, so I hope she will be uplifted by these words.
Here’s my point: Last year this time, when I posted the blog, "What Color is Your Love?" I was not in the best place in my life. In fact, my love was downright moody blue. But every situation and season brings a lesson. And what I've learned is that one of the best things you can do if you blog, journal or just have a good memory is to look back at where you were a year ago. You learn one of two things: How blessed you now are or how blessed you were then - and they’re both excellent lessons.
A year ago, I was on a new job in a new city, and my boys were in a new school. I moved forward a day at a time, a step a time, keeping my goal in front of me, which was essentially to make my babies’ transition as easy as I possibly could. And I did that. Their first year went very well. Meanwhile, I’ve had to deal with car issues, nanny issues, housing issues, puppy issues and yes, issues of the heart. We call it life, but at the time, it seemed like no matter what I did, nothing would fall into place.
I made it through, and upon reflection about what I would do differently, I discovered I was taking care of everyone and everything but myself and that, in actuality, my biggest challenge weren’t the issues going on around me, but inside me. I wasn't finding time to love on myself. And that’s not cool.
So, at some point, I decided that, no matter how foreign it felt, I absolutely had to build some “me” time into my schedule – even if that meant saying no to friends, family and the J.O.B.
And there are a dozen ways to do this. Spend an extra 15 minutes in the tub before you go to bed. Stop and get a manicure after work - before you get home. Trade babysitting time with your girlfriends, and go read a book in the park.
But my biggest tip is to teach your children how to entertain themselves while you recharge your batteries. I’m not suggesting that you sit them in front of the television or stick a video game in their hand - although sometimes you've got to do whatever it takes to get it done. But it’s an awfully neat trick if you can teach your children to take time for them while you take time for you. Whether it’s drawing, reading, building a Lego skyscraper, writing in their journal or taking tons of random pictures with a disposable camera like my youngest son – If your kids are older, how about letting them go to a movie without you? It’s amazing what you can get accomplished in two hours. And to make it a learning experience for your children, make them write a movie review ... maybe they can post their own blog.
The point is to get in touch with yourself and your needs, and I’m here to tell you that it can altar the shades of your world. Suddenly, my love is multi-colored, vibrant and new.
When I look back at last year’s blog, some of those feelings I had then are almost unrecognizable, while others are still on point.
How about you? Where were you a year ago compared with today? Has your love gotten brighter, duller or remained the same? If it’s brighter, congratulations. Figure out what’s working and how you can keep it that way. If it’s duller, what can you learn from your transition?
And if it’s the same, spice it up, spruce it up and - to coin a dated phrase - let your freak flag fly, no matter what color it may be.
Even if you’re the only one watching.
I have many girlfriends who had flowers delivered to their office just to give the appearance of a romantic and thoughtful boyfriend or husband waiting in the wings to fulfill all of their Valentine's expectations. And I admit, after getting a beautiful bouquet mix of roses and lilies sent to my office by the real thing, I was tempted to leave my door open all week long for the haters to see. (Kidding, but not really.)
Whether you were appreciated by someone else or appreciated yourself, having expectations in our culture is normal and ... well, expected. We are brought up that way.
Having great expectations sounds great, however, when the expectation is unfulfilled, we bitch, we moan, we become disappointed. And that becomes a problem. If I expect you to love me a certain way, and your love doesn't show up that way for me, I’m mad. So it’s easy to imagine how quickly a person can get caught up on the one day that we, as a universe, celebrate love.
For weeks leading to Valentine’s Day, we are immersed in all things love. We let advertisers, acquaintances and strangers define what our love is supposed to look like. So, even though you or I am content with the love we’re getting, we find ourselves questioning that love or putting new - and sometimes unrealistic - pressure on that love, and for what? So that Hallmark, the flower delivery industry, the candy biz and restaurant franchises can get richer. We spend time hating on those who had picture-perfect Valentine’s weekends instead of finding the goodness in what we've got at home.
A good friend once said to me when I was feeling a little envious about her Valentine's Day, "Shall I tell you about the Valentine's Day that he didn't come home at all?"
That was a stark reminder that the color of love reflected in our lives today may have not been so vibrant in a different season. By the way, her Valentine’s Day this year was less than stellar, so I hope she will be uplifted by these words.
Here’s my point: Last year this time, when I posted the blog, "What Color is Your Love?" I was not in the best place in my life. In fact, my love was downright moody blue. But every situation and season brings a lesson. And what I've learned is that one of the best things you can do if you blog, journal or just have a good memory is to look back at where you were a year ago. You learn one of two things: How blessed you now are or how blessed you were then - and they’re both excellent lessons.
A year ago, I was on a new job in a new city, and my boys were in a new school. I moved forward a day at a time, a step a time, keeping my goal in front of me, which was essentially to make my babies’ transition as easy as I possibly could. And I did that. Their first year went very well. Meanwhile, I’ve had to deal with car issues, nanny issues, housing issues, puppy issues and yes, issues of the heart. We call it life, but at the time, it seemed like no matter what I did, nothing would fall into place.
I made it through, and upon reflection about what I would do differently, I discovered I was taking care of everyone and everything but myself and that, in actuality, my biggest challenge weren’t the issues going on around me, but inside me. I wasn't finding time to love on myself. And that’s not cool.
So, at some point, I decided that, no matter how foreign it felt, I absolutely had to build some “me” time into my schedule – even if that meant saying no to friends, family and the J.O.B.
And there are a dozen ways to do this. Spend an extra 15 minutes in the tub before you go to bed. Stop and get a manicure after work - before you get home. Trade babysitting time with your girlfriends, and go read a book in the park.
But my biggest tip is to teach your children how to entertain themselves while you recharge your batteries. I’m not suggesting that you sit them in front of the television or stick a video game in their hand - although sometimes you've got to do whatever it takes to get it done. But it’s an awfully neat trick if you can teach your children to take time for them while you take time for you. Whether it’s drawing, reading, building a Lego skyscraper, writing in their journal or taking tons of random pictures with a disposable camera like my youngest son – If your kids are older, how about letting them go to a movie without you? It’s amazing what you can get accomplished in two hours. And to make it a learning experience for your children, make them write a movie review ... maybe they can post their own blog.
The point is to get in touch with yourself and your needs, and I’m here to tell you that it can altar the shades of your world. Suddenly, my love is multi-colored, vibrant and new.
When I look back at last year’s blog, some of those feelings I had then are almost unrecognizable, while others are still on point.
How about you? Where were you a year ago compared with today? Has your love gotten brighter, duller or remained the same? If it’s brighter, congratulations. Figure out what’s working and how you can keep it that way. If it’s duller, what can you learn from your transition?
And if it’s the same, spice it up, spruce it up and - to coin a dated phrase - let your freak flag fly, no matter what color it may be.
Even if you’re the only one watching.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Food for Thought
Of course my stomach would start growling as soon as I start to put my thoughts regarding food on paper. I stayed strong, though, and congratulated myself on a little victory. But as I prepared Tom and the crew for an interview with First Lady Michelle Obama about her new initiative to battle childhood obesity, I realized that little victory is part of a lifelong love/hate relationship with food.
In the good times and in the bad times, food always plays a starring role in my life. And I’m not alone. For most people – African-Americans especially - it's part of our mourning process, relationship rituals and our meeting procedures.
Perfect example: If you went to - or hosted - a Super Bowl party on Sunday, then you know that the only thing second to having a decent sized television to watch the big game on was the menu. In fact, for some people there, the food was THE most important thing, and if it wasn’t on point, you were getting clowned by your guests during the car ride home.
It's not a bad thing necessarily, but I think it becomes troublesome when we allow food to overshadow the real purpose of why we’re gathering. In other words, what would happen if we dared to take food out of the mix? I've been doing that lately - or at least trying to.
Now, I’m not talking about not eating, but just not letting food "consume" me; pardon the pun. Believe me when I say the hungry hearts club is a lonely place to be. People are very uncomfortable, annoyed and even suspicious of you if you choose not to eat at or attend an event because you're just not that into food, or trying not to be, at least.
The idea of having large amounts of food at even the most mundane of occasions is relatively recent and ties into our country's rise in obesity. Huge feasts were once relegated to Thanksgiving, Christmas and Easter dinners. Some families went hard every Sunday, but even that doesn’t compare with all the big-food opportunities we have now. Even movies are now so closely associated with food, some movie theaters are literally restaurants that happen to be showing a film.
Asking employees to go the extra mile without ordering a pizza is like slapping them in the face. Book club meetings, work meetings, dates and church meetings all are wrapped around food.
The women from Mt. Zion Church of God Holiness in Dayton, Ohio know this well. They were recently featured on "The Oprah Winfrey Show" after one member wrote in about her family’s history of diabetes and the unhealthy foods served at the church. Half of the church’s adult members are diabetic.
We know that as African-Americans, we are more susceptible to heart disease, diabetes, hypertension and certain kind of cancers that are linked to obesity. Much of the time, obesity - or a least the poor eating habits that will eventually lead to obesity - starts during childhood. Like their parents, kids think of every celebration, every movie, every sporting event, etc., as an opportunity to eat.
We can start doing better by making some of the small steps the First Lady threw out, like playing games outdoors with our kids or replacing the juice boxes in their lunches with a bottle of water. We can also turn the tide a little by having children’s parties that are more about fun activities like skating or bowling and less about food.
About 32 percent of children and adolescents are obese, putting them at risk for high cholesterol and diabetes.
Habits are hard to break. But they’re impossible to break if we don’t at least make an effort. And why not start at home, especially if you have kids?
Getting our children’s eating habits in check is probably one of the most important things we can do for not only their physical health but their mental health as well. We talk often about the physical ailments that can stem from carrying too much weight, but our children’s self-esteem and self-image suffer as well.
I know how much negative comments about my weight affected me when I was growing up. Most of the women on my mother’s side of the family are petite by anyone’s standards, so I was often teased for being larger than my cousins, even when they were much older than me. It had a profound effect on me, and the hurt feelings still pulse beneath the surface whenever we’re together. As an adult, I understand that they were not trying to be mean, but the six-year-old in me still needs a hug every once in awhile when I think about it.
So, not only was I appalled when a doctor informed me and my eight-year-old son that he was overweight – I was mad. No doubt, both of my sons are larger than most children their age, and although I don’t label it as hidden racism, I certainly don’t believe that I should make them fit in to the cookie-cutter European standards for height and weight. And even if weight was an issue for him, I certainly didn’t think he needed to hear it the way that he did.
So when the doctor said it a second time and laughingly told my child to leave the sweets alone, I was crushed and - with the risk of sounding dramatic – saddened as I watched just a little bit of sorrow leave as the hurt and doubt crept in. My heart breaks all over again when, months later, he still asks whether or not I think he should be on a diet.
And for our beautiful little girls, it’s even worse.
Recent medical findings have suggested that black women are 50 percent more likely to suffer from bulimia nervosa than white women are, that poor women are more likely to experience bulimia than rich girls are and that bulimia affected 1.5 percent of girls in households where at least one parent had a college degree.
Our lives and our kids’ lives could depend on us getting our stuff together. We can hope that the government, food makers and schools make adjustments, but in the end, it’s up to individual parents and the examples we set.
If food is in center of everything we do, how can we give it less importance?
Instead of meeting your girls for lunch, how about meeting them for a walk or for a pedicure? Instead of celebrating a job change with big a lunch or dinner, how about a visit to a nice day spa? Instead of rewarding our own accomplishments with comfort food, how about buying a good book or a pair of shoes?
If you’ve figured out some helpful, healthy hints that have made a difference, share your ideas. I can’t be the only mom who has gone to bed with feelings of guilt for letting my six-year-old have a Lunchable for dinner. (Just once, I promise.) Michelle Obama’s "Let’s Move" initiative - check out her interview with us in "If You Missed It" - should be a wake-up call for us all.
I don’t know about you, but I doubt if my boys will ever inherit huge amounts of money and property. But what I can leave them is the tools for having a healthy body, mind and soul. That's priceless.
In the good times and in the bad times, food always plays a starring role in my life. And I’m not alone. For most people – African-Americans especially - it's part of our mourning process, relationship rituals and our meeting procedures.
Perfect example: If you went to - or hosted - a Super Bowl party on Sunday, then you know that the only thing second to having a decent sized television to watch the big game on was the menu. In fact, for some people there, the food was THE most important thing, and if it wasn’t on point, you were getting clowned by your guests during the car ride home.
It's not a bad thing necessarily, but I think it becomes troublesome when we allow food to overshadow the real purpose of why we’re gathering. In other words, what would happen if we dared to take food out of the mix? I've been doing that lately - or at least trying to.
Now, I’m not talking about not eating, but just not letting food "consume" me; pardon the pun. Believe me when I say the hungry hearts club is a lonely place to be. People are very uncomfortable, annoyed and even suspicious of you if you choose not to eat at or attend an event because you're just not that into food, or trying not to be, at least.
The idea of having large amounts of food at even the most mundane of occasions is relatively recent and ties into our country's rise in obesity. Huge feasts were once relegated to Thanksgiving, Christmas and Easter dinners. Some families went hard every Sunday, but even that doesn’t compare with all the big-food opportunities we have now. Even movies are now so closely associated with food, some movie theaters are literally restaurants that happen to be showing a film.
Asking employees to go the extra mile without ordering a pizza is like slapping them in the face. Book club meetings, work meetings, dates and church meetings all are wrapped around food.
The women from Mt. Zion Church of God Holiness in Dayton, Ohio know this well. They were recently featured on "The Oprah Winfrey Show" after one member wrote in about her family’s history of diabetes and the unhealthy foods served at the church. Half of the church’s adult members are diabetic.
We know that as African-Americans, we are more susceptible to heart disease, diabetes, hypertension and certain kind of cancers that are linked to obesity. Much of the time, obesity - or a least the poor eating habits that will eventually lead to obesity - starts during childhood. Like their parents, kids think of every celebration, every movie, every sporting event, etc., as an opportunity to eat.
We can start doing better by making some of the small steps the First Lady threw out, like playing games outdoors with our kids or replacing the juice boxes in their lunches with a bottle of water. We can also turn the tide a little by having children’s parties that are more about fun activities like skating or bowling and less about food.
About 32 percent of children and adolescents are obese, putting them at risk for high cholesterol and diabetes.
Habits are hard to break. But they’re impossible to break if we don’t at least make an effort. And why not start at home, especially if you have kids?
Getting our children’s eating habits in check is probably one of the most important things we can do for not only their physical health but their mental health as well. We talk often about the physical ailments that can stem from carrying too much weight, but our children’s self-esteem and self-image suffer as well.
I know how much negative comments about my weight affected me when I was growing up. Most of the women on my mother’s side of the family are petite by anyone’s standards, so I was often teased for being larger than my cousins, even when they were much older than me. It had a profound effect on me, and the hurt feelings still pulse beneath the surface whenever we’re together. As an adult, I understand that they were not trying to be mean, but the six-year-old in me still needs a hug every once in awhile when I think about it.
So, not only was I appalled when a doctor informed me and my eight-year-old son that he was overweight – I was mad. No doubt, both of my sons are larger than most children their age, and although I don’t label it as hidden racism, I certainly don’t believe that I should make them fit in to the cookie-cutter European standards for height and weight. And even if weight was an issue for him, I certainly didn’t think he needed to hear it the way that he did.
So when the doctor said it a second time and laughingly told my child to leave the sweets alone, I was crushed and - with the risk of sounding dramatic – saddened as I watched just a little bit of sorrow leave as the hurt and doubt crept in. My heart breaks all over again when, months later, he still asks whether or not I think he should be on a diet.
And for our beautiful little girls, it’s even worse.
Recent medical findings have suggested that black women are 50 percent more likely to suffer from bulimia nervosa than white women are, that poor women are more likely to experience bulimia than rich girls are and that bulimia affected 1.5 percent of girls in households where at least one parent had a college degree.
Our lives and our kids’ lives could depend on us getting our stuff together. We can hope that the government, food makers and schools make adjustments, but in the end, it’s up to individual parents and the examples we set.
If food is in center of everything we do, how can we give it less importance?
Instead of meeting your girls for lunch, how about meeting them for a walk or for a pedicure? Instead of celebrating a job change with big a lunch or dinner, how about a visit to a nice day spa? Instead of rewarding our own accomplishments with comfort food, how about buying a good book or a pair of shoes?
If you’ve figured out some helpful, healthy hints that have made a difference, share your ideas. I can’t be the only mom who has gone to bed with feelings of guilt for letting my six-year-old have a Lunchable for dinner. (Just once, I promise.) Michelle Obama’s "Let’s Move" initiative - check out her interview with us in "If You Missed It" - should be a wake-up call for us all.
I don’t know about you, but I doubt if my boys will ever inherit huge amounts of money and property. But what I can leave them is the tools for having a healthy body, mind and soul. That's priceless.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Living with Less
The crisis in Haiti is a stark reminder of how little so many others are able to live on. Of course, it’s not just in Haiti; it’s all over the world and in our own backyard. How many times do you see people appear to be perfectly happy living with a lot less than you have?
The other day, one of our producers circulated an article called, “What Could You Live Without?” which immediately struck a chord with me and my circle of friends for a variety of different reasons, I’m sure.
I had just had a conversation a couple days earlier about having moved three separate times and still had boxes that had never been unpacked; just moved from one place to the next. I had decided those were clearly items that I could live without and had either trashed or donated the contents. I also have a storage unit with things that I guess I still want - some because they mean something to me, but I just don’t have room for them, and others simply because I purchased them, and they belong to me. But really, if they’re stored away and neither I or my boys are using them, what’s the use of keeping them?
How many of us have stuff we feel entitled to but don’t really need? Why is it so hard to part with them? I think the only way to deal with it honestly is determine what stuff represents in our lives.
Most of us go through a period where the stuff that we own defines us in a way. After all, when we’re in college, working toward landing our dream jobs, we seldom are thinking in terms of the happiness that career will bring us or the service we will be providing others. We’re more likely to be thinking of the salaries we’ll earn and what material things we will be able to purchase. No judgment! It’s only natural to want our lifestyle to reflect our earnings, and in this material world, most of us are judged by our homes, our cars, our clothes, our jewelry and our purses.
But there comes in a time in our lives when we get a sort of wake-up call that makes us realize either we can or have to learn to live with less. And then, we come to see that the people who wanted to be around us because of our titles, cars and homes were not that important after all. It’s amazing how scarce those people become when either we or they begin to lose some of the stuff that had us so puffed up in the first place.
At some point, we begin to shed the things we thought we had to have, and it’s better when the decision to part with these things is ours. But either way, we learn that more isn’t always better.
The reality show "Hoarders" is an extreme view of our sometimes-pathological desire to hold on to things past their usefulness. My son Tyler’s favorite program, “Clean House,” (yes, he has a thing for Niecy Nash) is another more realistic look at how people can let too much stuff get the best of them, causing their houses and their families to look like a hot mess.
I’ve never been one to collect a lot of clutter in my home or in my life. When things and people are no longer useful - or I should say no longer helpful and positive - I’m pretty good about letting them go.
On the other hand, I have a friend who this Christmas realized that she hadn’t even put away some of the gifts she and her family got the previous year. Her tendency to hold on to stuff, people and issues adds a lot of unnecessary stress to her cluttered life. She has to determine for herself what she needs to let go of and what she needs to keep.
Over the last few years, I’ve downsized my life in all kinds of areas, but I’ve tried to upgrade where it counts, hoping to reach the balance most of us strive for. I’m not there yet. But I’m close.
I’ve been blessed with all the trappings that spelled out success professionally and personally. And I’ve also struggled. And through it all, God has been with me.
Philippians 4:12 says, "I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need."
What can you live without? What can your family live without? What can your kids live without? The people in Haiti - many of whom probably thought they were living with as little as they could before that earthquake struck - found out they could live with even less.
The other day, one of our producers circulated an article called, “What Could You Live Without?” which immediately struck a chord with me and my circle of friends for a variety of different reasons, I’m sure.
I had just had a conversation a couple days earlier about having moved three separate times and still had boxes that had never been unpacked; just moved from one place to the next. I had decided those were clearly items that I could live without and had either trashed or donated the contents. I also have a storage unit with things that I guess I still want - some because they mean something to me, but I just don’t have room for them, and others simply because I purchased them, and they belong to me. But really, if they’re stored away and neither I or my boys are using them, what’s the use of keeping them?
How many of us have stuff we feel entitled to but don’t really need? Why is it so hard to part with them? I think the only way to deal with it honestly is determine what stuff represents in our lives.
Most of us go through a period where the stuff that we own defines us in a way. After all, when we’re in college, working toward landing our dream jobs, we seldom are thinking in terms of the happiness that career will bring us or the service we will be providing others. We’re more likely to be thinking of the salaries we’ll earn and what material things we will be able to purchase. No judgment! It’s only natural to want our lifestyle to reflect our earnings, and in this material world, most of us are judged by our homes, our cars, our clothes, our jewelry and our purses.
But there comes in a time in our lives when we get a sort of wake-up call that makes us realize either we can or have to learn to live with less. And then, we come to see that the people who wanted to be around us because of our titles, cars and homes were not that important after all. It’s amazing how scarce those people become when either we or they begin to lose some of the stuff that had us so puffed up in the first place.
At some point, we begin to shed the things we thought we had to have, and it’s better when the decision to part with these things is ours. But either way, we learn that more isn’t always better.
The reality show "Hoarders" is an extreme view of our sometimes-pathological desire to hold on to things past their usefulness. My son Tyler’s favorite program, “Clean House,” (yes, he has a thing for Niecy Nash) is another more realistic look at how people can let too much stuff get the best of them, causing their houses and their families to look like a hot mess.
I’ve never been one to collect a lot of clutter in my home or in my life. When things and people are no longer useful - or I should say no longer helpful and positive - I’m pretty good about letting them go.
On the other hand, I have a friend who this Christmas realized that she hadn’t even put away some of the gifts she and her family got the previous year. Her tendency to hold on to stuff, people and issues adds a lot of unnecessary stress to her cluttered life. She has to determine for herself what she needs to let go of and what she needs to keep.
Over the last few years, I’ve downsized my life in all kinds of areas, but I’ve tried to upgrade where it counts, hoping to reach the balance most of us strive for. I’m not there yet. But I’m close.
I’ve been blessed with all the trappings that spelled out success professionally and personally. And I’ve also struggled. And through it all, God has been with me.
Philippians 4:12 says, "I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need."
What can you live without? What can your family live without? What can your kids live without? The people in Haiti - many of whom probably thought they were living with as little as they could before that earthquake struck - found out they could live with even less.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
We Are the World
The earthquake that plunged Haiti into darkness is another blow to a nation that has seen more than its share of misery.
My heart weeps for Haiti and her children.
The situation in Haiti has been so challenging for so many years, due to politics, poverty, prior natural disasters, etc. But this current situation is truly catastrophic.
Watching as Haitians piled bodies along the devastated streets of their capitol after the strongest earthquake in more than 200 years hit the poor Caribbean nation is almost more than I could bear.
And there was no discrimination – thousands of structures, from schools and shacks to the National Palace and the U.N. peacekeeping headquarters were crushed.
The devastation was so complete that it seemed likely the death toll could run well into the thousands – and I think that is a conservative estimate. Seeing the faces filled with pain and desperation, hearing the stories of unimaginable horror and hopelessness brought the same rush of feelings that I experienced during Hurricane Katrina.
At that time, I was hosting the morning show in Chicago, and we took call after call from people who were missing family members or friends and couldn't get in touch with them because of the power outage and downed phone lines. One in particular - Nate - was on the phone with his fiancée and three children when the water started to seep, then gush, into their home. This was Monday. The line went dead as he begged them to press towels under the door to stop the flow of water. He hasn't talked to them since. It broke my heart.
I remember the turmoil that we faced in 2004 when my mother was in Jamaica spending time with her mother, and Hurricane Ivan wreaked havoc on the islands of Barbados, St. Vincent and Grenada. It spared Jamaica its full fury, but it still destroyed homes and infrastructures and killed at least 16 people.
We were unable to reach my mom for two days. It was the longest two days of my life, but she made it home to her husband, two children and six grandchildren - not like the mother who begged her husband to just let her go so he could save her children. He doesn't know if she made it or not.
In light of the tragedy in New Orleans, a co-worker vowed to mend a relationship with his estranged father of more than 30 years who made it safely out of the city. And others have just vowed to reconnect with estranged family members or friends. Sometimes it takes destruction of this magnitude to make miracles happen.
The earthquake in Haiti has been estimated to be 10 times more devastating than Hurricane Katrina. But that allows for 10 times the blessings to flow from such a tragic situation.
The show will be traveling to Haiti today and will broadcast from Port-au-Prince tomorrow morning (Friday, Jan. 15th). Tom’s goal is to set up a communication center that would allow the Haitian community to contact their loved ones in the states and abroad to give them some assurances that they are okay.
My thoughts and prayers are continuously with the millions who could have so easily been you or I, and I can’t help but wonder how those who have been dealt such devastation can ever rest easy again. I'm not sure how any of us can.
It is time to go about the business of healing and rebuilding, not only at home but globally. And not just for the immediate, but long term.
We are our brother’s keeper, but we haven’t been taking very good care of each other.
Time after time we get reminders that we should not wait until a tragedy strikes to realize who's important to us and why. If you're blessed enough to be in reach of someone you love, let them know today. But it’s also time to start treating the world as family.
There may not be much that you can do to help in Haiti – even though I would stress that every little bit counts – but there are some situations in your own community, block and home that need help.
What change can you make today?
I challenge you to start an earthquake of your own. A good deed done today will send aftershocks for a long time to come.
My heart weeps for Haiti and her children.
The situation in Haiti has been so challenging for so many years, due to politics, poverty, prior natural disasters, etc. But this current situation is truly catastrophic.
Watching as Haitians piled bodies along the devastated streets of their capitol after the strongest earthquake in more than 200 years hit the poor Caribbean nation is almost more than I could bear.
And there was no discrimination – thousands of structures, from schools and shacks to the National Palace and the U.N. peacekeeping headquarters were crushed.
The devastation was so complete that it seemed likely the death toll could run well into the thousands – and I think that is a conservative estimate. Seeing the faces filled with pain and desperation, hearing the stories of unimaginable horror and hopelessness brought the same rush of feelings that I experienced during Hurricane Katrina.
At that time, I was hosting the morning show in Chicago, and we took call after call from people who were missing family members or friends and couldn't get in touch with them because of the power outage and downed phone lines. One in particular - Nate - was on the phone with his fiancée and three children when the water started to seep, then gush, into their home. This was Monday. The line went dead as he begged them to press towels under the door to stop the flow of water. He hasn't talked to them since. It broke my heart.
I remember the turmoil that we faced in 2004 when my mother was in Jamaica spending time with her mother, and Hurricane Ivan wreaked havoc on the islands of Barbados, St. Vincent and Grenada. It spared Jamaica its full fury, but it still destroyed homes and infrastructures and killed at least 16 people.
We were unable to reach my mom for two days. It was the longest two days of my life, but she made it home to her husband, two children and six grandchildren - not like the mother who begged her husband to just let her go so he could save her children. He doesn't know if she made it or not.
In light of the tragedy in New Orleans, a co-worker vowed to mend a relationship with his estranged father of more than 30 years who made it safely out of the city. And others have just vowed to reconnect with estranged family members or friends. Sometimes it takes destruction of this magnitude to make miracles happen.
The earthquake in Haiti has been estimated to be 10 times more devastating than Hurricane Katrina. But that allows for 10 times the blessings to flow from such a tragic situation.
The show will be traveling to Haiti today and will broadcast from Port-au-Prince tomorrow morning (Friday, Jan. 15th). Tom’s goal is to set up a communication center that would allow the Haitian community to contact their loved ones in the states and abroad to give them some assurances that they are okay.
My thoughts and prayers are continuously with the millions who could have so easily been you or I, and I can’t help but wonder how those who have been dealt such devastation can ever rest easy again. I'm not sure how any of us can.
It is time to go about the business of healing and rebuilding, not only at home but globally. And not just for the immediate, but long term.
We are our brother’s keeper, but we haven’t been taking very good care of each other.
Time after time we get reminders that we should not wait until a tragedy strikes to realize who's important to us and why. If you're blessed enough to be in reach of someone you love, let them know today. But it’s also time to start treating the world as family.
There may not be much that you can do to help in Haiti – even though I would stress that every little bit counts – but there are some situations in your own community, block and home that need help.
What change can you make today?
I challenge you to start an earthquake of your own. A good deed done today will send aftershocks for a long time to come.
Friday, December 04, 2009
The Other Ms. Woods
So, the Tiger Woods saga continues.
I tried really hard to stay out of it. Well, maybe I didn’t try all that hard. But it really is like kicking a two-legged kitten when he’s down.
But now Tiger Woods is rumored to have offered his wife millions of dollars to stay in their marriage. If he was so interested in staying married, then maybe he should have kept his putter at home.
And needless to say, Mrs. Woods (Not me; I'm Ms. Woods!) was not happy.
I don't know which came first: A wife actually bopping her husband in the head with a frying pan or the depiction of a man getting bopped by his wife in a comedy sketch. Whether life was imitating art or vice versa, most of us chuckle at the idea of a disgruntled wife handling her business with a skillet.
So the idea of Tiger's pissed-off wife getting in a few good ones with a golf club will probably provide years of material for comedians, and radio and TV hosts. I admit, it tickled me too. But God always finds a way to straighten me out.
Earlier this week, at the same time I was enjoying the idea of Mrs. Tiger Woods chasing her man with a nine iron, my six-year-old was in a match with the edge of a shelf in his closet, and the shelf won. The gash in his head required staples, and as I watched him endure that pain, I thought of Tiger being hit in the face with a metal golf club. And it wasn't that funny. Then I wondered how I would feel if 10 or 20 years down the road, a woman - any woman - took out her anger on my son with a golf club, a baseball bat or even a frying pan, whether he deserved it or not. And that REALLY wasn't funny.
Virtually all sociological data shows women initiate domestic violence as often as men, that women use weapons more than men, and that 38 percent of injured victims are men.
So why don’t we hear more about this? Shouldn’t the media give as much attention to men who suffer abuse at the hands of their mate as they do women?
I was blessed to grow up in a home where my parents were (and are to this day) openly affectionate and always showed mutual respect for each other. Resorting to violence has never been a viable option for me, and I doubt that it will be one for my sons, who have learned from their father and me that hitting girls and women is not acceptable.
But who knows what the girls and women they choose in the future will have learned from their environments? Going upside my sons' heads may come as naturally to them as breathing. I don't have daughters, but I hope those of you who do will teach them that getting hit by men is unacceptable, but hitting men is unacceptable as well.
If Tiger's wife really beat him with a golf club we should be as outraged as we were when we heard about Chris Brown and so should the news media.
I've been mad enough at men at various times in my life to strike a man, but I don’t for a lot of reasons. Aside from it being wrong, I’m smart enough to know that usually when you hit a person, they’re inclined to hit you back out of retaliation or reflex. No plans to go down that road.
Sometimes the lessons you learn when you’re in kindergarten hold up. I was taught to just walk away until the waters are calmer, and I suggest you follow that rule and teach it to your children. Better to have that conversation with them now. And trust me, if they’ve seen you hit your man or get hit by him, cuss him out or get cussed out by him or just say hurtful things in the heat of anger, you’re teaching them way more than you know. Plus, you're creating potential problems for your grown daughters - and my sons if they run into them.
Everyone, of course, doesn’t agree with my “just walk away” policy. If you don’t, is it because of what you were taught? Or do you just believe the only retaliation for some transgressions is a behind-whipping?
I really want to know what you think, so hit me back. And, uh, that’s just a figure of speech!
I tried really hard to stay out of it. Well, maybe I didn’t try all that hard. But it really is like kicking a two-legged kitten when he’s down.
But now Tiger Woods is rumored to have offered his wife millions of dollars to stay in their marriage. If he was so interested in staying married, then maybe he should have kept his putter at home.
And needless to say, Mrs. Woods (Not me; I'm Ms. Woods!) was not happy.
I don't know which came first: A wife actually bopping her husband in the head with a frying pan or the depiction of a man getting bopped by his wife in a comedy sketch. Whether life was imitating art or vice versa, most of us chuckle at the idea of a disgruntled wife handling her business with a skillet.
So the idea of Tiger's pissed-off wife getting in a few good ones with a golf club will probably provide years of material for comedians, and radio and TV hosts. I admit, it tickled me too. But God always finds a way to straighten me out.
Earlier this week, at the same time I was enjoying the idea of Mrs. Tiger Woods chasing her man with a nine iron, my six-year-old was in a match with the edge of a shelf in his closet, and the shelf won. The gash in his head required staples, and as I watched him endure that pain, I thought of Tiger being hit in the face with a metal golf club. And it wasn't that funny. Then I wondered how I would feel if 10 or 20 years down the road, a woman - any woman - took out her anger on my son with a golf club, a baseball bat or even a frying pan, whether he deserved it or not. And that REALLY wasn't funny.
Virtually all sociological data shows women initiate domestic violence as often as men, that women use weapons more than men, and that 38 percent of injured victims are men.
So why don’t we hear more about this? Shouldn’t the media give as much attention to men who suffer abuse at the hands of their mate as they do women?
I was blessed to grow up in a home where my parents were (and are to this day) openly affectionate and always showed mutual respect for each other. Resorting to violence has never been a viable option for me, and I doubt that it will be one for my sons, who have learned from their father and me that hitting girls and women is not acceptable.
But who knows what the girls and women they choose in the future will have learned from their environments? Going upside my sons' heads may come as naturally to them as breathing. I don't have daughters, but I hope those of you who do will teach them that getting hit by men is unacceptable, but hitting men is unacceptable as well.
If Tiger's wife really beat him with a golf club we should be as outraged as we were when we heard about Chris Brown and so should the news media.
I've been mad enough at men at various times in my life to strike a man, but I don’t for a lot of reasons. Aside from it being wrong, I’m smart enough to know that usually when you hit a person, they’re inclined to hit you back out of retaliation or reflex. No plans to go down that road.
Sometimes the lessons you learn when you’re in kindergarten hold up. I was taught to just walk away until the waters are calmer, and I suggest you follow that rule and teach it to your children. Better to have that conversation with them now. And trust me, if they’ve seen you hit your man or get hit by him, cuss him out or get cussed out by him or just say hurtful things in the heat of anger, you’re teaching them way more than you know. Plus, you're creating potential problems for your grown daughters - and my sons if they run into them.
Everyone, of course, doesn’t agree with my “just walk away” policy. If you don’t, is it because of what you were taught? Or do you just believe the only retaliation for some transgressions is a behind-whipping?
I really want to know what you think, so hit me back. And, uh, that’s just a figure of speech!
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Texting Malfunction ... or is it?
The only time you hear about a texting story gone horribly wrong - it's usually in the news, either associated with big names like former Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick and Chris Brown and Rihanna or it’s super sensational like the sad story of the girl who killed herself after naked pictures of her were sent out to schoolmates.
But there's a whole lot of texting, emailing and instant messaging that's wrecking relationships, jobs and friendships. And that will never make it to the headlines. I'm not talking about what I've heard. I'm talking about what I know. In fairness, I spend more time than the average person on line and on my cell. To the frustration of almost every friend I have over 40. I text way more than I talk. So it stands to reason that I would have more than my share of cyberspace snafus. The one way to ensure that you won't get into trouble online is to take yourself out of the game.
I’ve actually heard people say they will never get jammed up because they don’t text, they don’t have a MySpace account and they don’t use the internet to do anything except check their e-mail. If this is the way you think you may be consider yourself safe, but being safe has never been the recipe for success. If you're doing serious business and serious life in 2009, you have got to aggressively and creatively take advantage of what's out there. Closing our minds to technology is closing our minds to all kinds of financial and social opportunities and who can afford that? I sure can't.
I pride myself at being adventurous in most areas of my life. I've made bold career moves life moves and love moves and my boldness has served me well. So, I wouldn’t dream of tip toeing through the high tech territory that is constantly changing.
As a black woman in an uncertain economy in a shaky industry, I need to be on top of every advantage available to me. As daunting as technology is to some - for black people who aren’t afraid it is a way for us to have finally been at the front of a revolution and in some ways compete on a level playing field for the first time in our history.
There was a time when we weren’t allowed to learn to read, and even decades after the end of slavery, the education that most black people received was not equal to their white counterparts. Almost everything we’ve been part of in this country we’ve had to struggle to be on par with mainstream America simply because we never started out with the same advantages. Even with the evolution of cyberspace, some groups of people seem to be ahead of the game. The more money you have the more likely it is that you would have had a computer in your home. But many African Americans (with video game systems and plasma Tvs I might add) have not made computers a priority and only have use of the internet on their jobs. But a whole lot of us jumped on the Super Information Highway like we belonged there back in the 90s and have never looked back. The beauty of that is we have the chance to drive side by side or blow past mainstream America because for once we have access to everything they have.
But of course it can only work for us if we know how to use it. And when I say work for us - I really mean make us some money. And for that, we need to take our knowledge of the internet it and bring it in to the social networking forumn.
So for some practical learning:
A social network is a way of connecting people and/or organizations and businesses together for mutual benefits. This network is comprised of ties and nodes, where the node is the individual and the tie is the link between them. Yes - it's like the business card on steroids.
Now, here are 5 steps to making social networking work for you.
Step 1: Use it to find customers directly. You can use the idea of “birds of a feather flock together” to arrange the best social networking. If you are selling a new kind of headset, you will want to find social networks of music lovers.
Step 2: Use word of mouth. If you are in a social networking group, you can also use it to advertise indirectly. Try getting people in social networks that are related indirectly to yours to spread the word. This can be some of the best social networking because they will be talking to people who trust them.
Step 3: Form relationships. The best social networking is long term, whether it’s for business or pleasure. This way people learn who they can trust online, and you should strive to be one of those--and only time can develop trust.
Step 4: Finding new ideas. You can use social networking to find new ideas for your business. For instance, if someone in your network needs something you can provide but don’t as of yet, you could consider it as an additional money-maker in the future.
Step 5: Be reliable and consistent. Your continued business is based on continued participation and trust. In other words, once you have established yourself through the best social networking practices, be there.
One important note: these steps can work for a physical business or for the business of YOU. After all - what better product to market than yourself.
So, if you’re a black woman like me competing for a spot on this universe where you can stretch out far enough to become what God intended for you to be, please don’t limit yourself by being fearful of something that can enhance your life. Yes, that funny, witty sarcastic remark about your supervisor intended just for your co-worker but got sent throughout the company because you accidentally hit reply to all, could get you fired. But so will allowing the company intern fresh out of college to make you look bad because she knows how to tweet, navigate facebook or utter something brilliant on utterli.com and you’ve never heard of it.
Hell - my dad just sent me a Facebook friendship request! Let's get with it people.
You can keep your negative internet and texting incidents down to a minimum simply by understanding has much as you can about what you’re using and paying close attention. And really, this is just a common sense rule that fits most situations. The larger issue is in today’s world you can’t be afraid to tackle and become an expert at the technology that’s out there. Take a class, hire a tutor, do whatever it takes to make feel comfortable about expanding your mind and embracing the revolution that most of us are already fighting for. Woman up and you’ll discover a new freedom and equality and the ability to do more than survive in this business world but to compete and win.
But there's a whole lot of texting, emailing and instant messaging that's wrecking relationships, jobs and friendships. And that will never make it to the headlines. I'm not talking about what I've heard. I'm talking about what I know. In fairness, I spend more time than the average person on line and on my cell. To the frustration of almost every friend I have over 40. I text way more than I talk. So it stands to reason that I would have more than my share of cyberspace snafus. The one way to ensure that you won't get into trouble online is to take yourself out of the game.
I’ve actually heard people say they will never get jammed up because they don’t text, they don’t have a MySpace account and they don’t use the internet to do anything except check their e-mail. If this is the way you think you may be consider yourself safe, but being safe has never been the recipe for success. If you're doing serious business and serious life in 2009, you have got to aggressively and creatively take advantage of what's out there. Closing our minds to technology is closing our minds to all kinds of financial and social opportunities and who can afford that? I sure can't.
I pride myself at being adventurous in most areas of my life. I've made bold career moves life moves and love moves and my boldness has served me well. So, I wouldn’t dream of tip toeing through the high tech territory that is constantly changing.
As a black woman in an uncertain economy in a shaky industry, I need to be on top of every advantage available to me. As daunting as technology is to some - for black people who aren’t afraid it is a way for us to have finally been at the front of a revolution and in some ways compete on a level playing field for the first time in our history.
There was a time when we weren’t allowed to learn to read, and even decades after the end of slavery, the education that most black people received was not equal to their white counterparts. Almost everything we’ve been part of in this country we’ve had to struggle to be on par with mainstream America simply because we never started out with the same advantages. Even with the evolution of cyberspace, some groups of people seem to be ahead of the game. The more money you have the more likely it is that you would have had a computer in your home. But many African Americans (with video game systems and plasma Tvs I might add) have not made computers a priority and only have use of the internet on their jobs. But a whole lot of us jumped on the Super Information Highway like we belonged there back in the 90s and have never looked back. The beauty of that is we have the chance to drive side by side or blow past mainstream America because for once we have access to everything they have.
But of course it can only work for us if we know how to use it. And when I say work for us - I really mean make us some money. And for that, we need to take our knowledge of the internet it and bring it in to the social networking forumn.
So for some practical learning:
A social network is a way of connecting people and/or organizations and businesses together for mutual benefits. This network is comprised of ties and nodes, where the node is the individual and the tie is the link between them. Yes - it's like the business card on steroids.
Now, here are 5 steps to making social networking work for you.
Step 1: Use it to find customers directly. You can use the idea of “birds of a feather flock together” to arrange the best social networking. If you are selling a new kind of headset, you will want to find social networks of music lovers.
Step 2: Use word of mouth. If you are in a social networking group, you can also use it to advertise indirectly. Try getting people in social networks that are related indirectly to yours to spread the word. This can be some of the best social networking because they will be talking to people who trust them.
Step 3: Form relationships. The best social networking is long term, whether it’s for business or pleasure. This way people learn who they can trust online, and you should strive to be one of those--and only time can develop trust.
Step 4: Finding new ideas. You can use social networking to find new ideas for your business. For instance, if someone in your network needs something you can provide but don’t as of yet, you could consider it as an additional money-maker in the future.
Step 5: Be reliable and consistent. Your continued business is based on continued participation and trust. In other words, once you have established yourself through the best social networking practices, be there.
One important note: these steps can work for a physical business or for the business of YOU. After all - what better product to market than yourself.
So, if you’re a black woman like me competing for a spot on this universe where you can stretch out far enough to become what God intended for you to be, please don’t limit yourself by being fearful of something that can enhance your life. Yes, that funny, witty sarcastic remark about your supervisor intended just for your co-worker but got sent throughout the company because you accidentally hit reply to all, could get you fired. But so will allowing the company intern fresh out of college to make you look bad because she knows how to tweet, navigate facebook or utter something brilliant on utterli.com and you’ve never heard of it.
Hell - my dad just sent me a Facebook friendship request! Let's get with it people.
You can keep your negative internet and texting incidents down to a minimum simply by understanding has much as you can about what you’re using and paying close attention. And really, this is just a common sense rule that fits most situations. The larger issue is in today’s world you can’t be afraid to tackle and become an expert at the technology that’s out there. Take a class, hire a tutor, do whatever it takes to make feel comfortable about expanding your mind and embracing the revolution that most of us are already fighting for. Woman up and you’ll discover a new freedom and equality and the ability to do more than survive in this business world but to compete and win.
Tuesday, March 03, 2009
"Nikki Woods Writes" Receives A Premio Dardos Award
Thank you to Media by Sistrunk for awarding me the Premio Dardos Award! I write because I love to write. I write because I need to write. Knowing that it touches someone besides myself is a bonus. I'm humbled. Thank you.
What’s the Premio Dardos Award?
Premio Dardos means “prize darts” in Spanish. It is given for recognition of cultural, ethical, literary, and personal values transmitted in the form of creative and original writing.
Friday, February 27, 2009
Maybe I Am My Hair!
My grandma always said, "If you want to know a black woman, you touch her hair." She said that is where we carry everything—all our hopes, our dreams, our pain.
When India Arie's hit song "I Am Not My Hair" first came on the radio - I felt an immediate disconnect. Obviously she hadn't talked to Mama Mae! Didn't Miss Arie know that our hair defined who we are as a black woman!
Or so I had been raised to believe.
But the more I listened to it the more I began to understand what India was trying to say now when the song comes on the radio, like so many sisters I feel a sense of pride and empowerment. How freeing it is to release all that ties us into something as shallow as hair?
We have let it own us, obsess us, name us and claim us. And finally India Arie has made a declaration of liberation that we can shout, believe and bob our nappy, natural, permed, press and curled, locked, or shaved heads to.
I Am Not My Hair!
Yeah, right.
I don't mean to be anti-revolutionary. In some respects we have come a long way when it comes to our hair. Most of us realize how ignorant it sounds to categorize as good or bad. Many of us have discovered that decades of applying chemicals to it can't be a good thing. And for the most part, I think little black girls today have a healthier perception about hair and have lots more natural and healthy acceptable choices than we did when we were kids.
That being said, a lot of hang ups about hair remain in our heads put their by a number of things. Every black woman has had a defining hair experience. We've lost our hair, had horrible hair cuts, or were somehow real or imagined unairly judged by our hair.
And let's face it our days can be completely ruined if our hair ain't right.
Before Michelle Obama won the hearts of almost every sister in America, she HAD to get her hair together. It just wasn't gonna happen until those edges were straight. Condolezza Rice for many years was the most powerful female politcal figure in the country and we coulndn't get past having conversations about that hair.
I'm not going to lie, but sometimes I am my hair. Because when it looks good I feel great and when it doesn't I usually don't. Right or wrong it's important to me. And that's not really a bad thing is it? It doesn't have to be long, cause I will cut my hair in a heartbeat. It's never permed - cause a curly wild style often fits my mood. And sometimes a ponytail is simply all that's going to happen that day. But keeping it clean, healthy and looking nice is a priority.
People who help homleless women have discovered that allowing them to get their hair done is key to boosting their self esteem and their spirit. If you have a little girl, watch how her personality changes when her hair is done.
According to the story that comedian Chris Rock tells at the beginning of "Good Hair," the documentary he produced, co-wrote and narrates that premiered here this week, his young daughter Lola came inside from playing one day and asked him, "Daddy, why don't I have good hair?" That question launched Rock and director Jeff Stilson on a nearly global inquiry into the meaning and history -- not to mention the prodigious financial significance -- of hair in the African-American community.
Before we began to understand and take pride in our natural beauty, girls were teased and taunted if their hair was short, or broken off, or nappy - so much so that it literally destroyed their self worth. We have been compared to a European standard of beauty for so long, that we sometimes let our hair take on a life of its own. And sometimes we let it control our lives.
Even my niece once asked why she couldn't have inherited my type of hair instead of her mother's. It caused my pause because I remember many a time wishing I had my sister's hair - thick and determined to hold a curl while my lightweight hair would give any curling iron a run for its money.
Obviously we haven't come full circle but we're better than we once were. I don't have daughters so the only hair issue with my boys is when I can't find their brush. It leaves a lot of time to concentrate on my own hair and doing what I can to make sure it represents me the way the way I want it to. Because there have been times when a lot was going on that was out of my control and a good hair day gave me the boost I needed.
Unlike the sister in the news whose weave stopped a bullet from penetrating her scalp, I can't say my hair has ever saved my life. But it has made my day a time or two.
Sorry, India.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Work It Out!
Anyone who is a mom with two kids like I am is probably an expert at division. Everything from orange juice to gummy bears to the time spent on a good night hug has to be equal. When it isn't one of my lil soldiers will call me on it and then I've got to make it right. And so as mom I'm proficient at cutting almost anything right down the middle if necessary. As my boys get older the challenge of constant equity becomes harder to achieve. Already, just based on their personalities, their academic abilities and what it takes to bring out the best of them, I can see that at any given time one may need me more than the other one. I come from a family of two girls and my mother used to always say - I love you both just as much but I love you differently because you're two different people.
I can't imagine the difficulties of having boys and girls in the same household. But people I know with "gender mixed homes" have to deal with this early on. are the chores, the time and the love equally divided or is mom putting more responsibility on the daughters and more hugs on the sons. And is dad going easy on the girls and showing tough love to his sons? However it goes in your house you need to ask yourself how it will translate to the work place someday.
Let's start by asking ourselves how our own family dynamics growing up has had an impact on us as employees. The topic comes to mind because in many workplace settings including mine - the women are carrying a much heavier load than the men are. We work harder, longer and are willing to do almost anything asked of us.
Not saying it's wrong just saying that's the way it usually breaks down and trying to figure out why. What are we trying to prove? Whose acceptance are we trying to gain? Who benefits and who gets hurt? A lot I think has to do with our work ethic and that starts at home. If you're parents were hard workers and expected the most from you, whether you're male or female then more than likely you inherited some of those qualities. I know I often thank my daddy for instilling in me such a strong work ethic. He treated work like he was going to the party - don't meet them there, BEAT them there.
But what if you saw your mom and dad both work hard outside the home but also saw your mom come and work hard and take on the food preparation, laundry homework, etc? What if you never heard your mom say no? As a woman would you grow up to believe you could do it all. As a man would you grow up thinking there's nothing you couldn't expect a woman to achieve?
Let me pause and take off my superwoman cape!
I am blessed to be working in a profession that I truly love. I mean a career that I have an absolute love affair with. The upside of that is I can spend hours at the office, in the studio, at home, by the pool, in bed - almost anywhere working or thinking about work and how I can get better and make the things I am responsible for better too.
That upside can also turn quicly into a downside because for me there's no quitting time, no off button, no real clear end of the day. And even if I did want to respect the 8 hour work day - how am I supposed to tell my boss I'm "closed" for the day??? I can hear him now ... "I wish a producer would .... "
But NO downtime???? That can't be good or fair for my family and relationships. And I know that my most of my male counterparts clearly divide what's work time and what isn't...and if they're putting in extra hours they're logging them and being compensated with money, time off or something.
But me????? And by me - I mean women across the globe. Yep, I've become the momentary poster girl for working women worldwide.
So why do it? What's in it for me?
The answer to those questions come easy for me. Satisfaction, gratification, a boost to my self esteem for starters and a lot that has nothing to do with money although, like anyone I would welcome more of it.
But I'd also welcome my bosses saying, "Damn Nikki, you work your behind off and we appreciate it. It really has made a difference." LOL Wishful thinking, huh?
Well I may never hear it but I already know it's true. And if I never hear the words - even after I print this blog out for my boss and show it to him - I will keep working hard at what I love.
And also realize that the hard work I put in on the job doesn't stop there. I'm a hardworking mother, friend, daughter and lover. I don't half-step at anything I do. So while my family and friends may suffer a little because my mind is on work so much they also benefit because I give everything my all.
And while I'm still waiting for the props I deserve at work and in some other areas, (you know what I'm talking about ladies!)my boys thank me every day and that's enough for me.
I can't imagine the difficulties of having boys and girls in the same household. But people I know with "gender mixed homes" have to deal with this early on. are the chores, the time and the love equally divided or is mom putting more responsibility on the daughters and more hugs on the sons. And is dad going easy on the girls and showing tough love to his sons? However it goes in your house you need to ask yourself how it will translate to the work place someday.
Let's start by asking ourselves how our own family dynamics growing up has had an impact on us as employees. The topic comes to mind because in many workplace settings including mine - the women are carrying a much heavier load than the men are. We work harder, longer and are willing to do almost anything asked of us.
Not saying it's wrong just saying that's the way it usually breaks down and trying to figure out why. What are we trying to prove? Whose acceptance are we trying to gain? Who benefits and who gets hurt? A lot I think has to do with our work ethic and that starts at home. If you're parents were hard workers and expected the most from you, whether you're male or female then more than likely you inherited some of those qualities. I know I often thank my daddy for instilling in me such a strong work ethic. He treated work like he was going to the party - don't meet them there, BEAT them there.
But what if you saw your mom and dad both work hard outside the home but also saw your mom come and work hard and take on the food preparation, laundry homework, etc? What if you never heard your mom say no? As a woman would you grow up to believe you could do it all. As a man would you grow up thinking there's nothing you couldn't expect a woman to achieve?
Let me pause and take off my superwoman cape!
I am blessed to be working in a profession that I truly love. I mean a career that I have an absolute love affair with. The upside of that is I can spend hours at the office, in the studio, at home, by the pool, in bed - almost anywhere working or thinking about work and how I can get better and make the things I am responsible for better too.
That upside can also turn quicly into a downside because for me there's no quitting time, no off button, no real clear end of the day. And even if I did want to respect the 8 hour work day - how am I supposed to tell my boss I'm "closed" for the day??? I can hear him now ... "I wish a producer would .... "
But NO downtime???? That can't be good or fair for my family and relationships. And I know that my most of my male counterparts clearly divide what's work time and what isn't...and if they're putting in extra hours they're logging them and being compensated with money, time off or something.
But me????? And by me - I mean women across the globe. Yep, I've become the momentary poster girl for working women worldwide.
So why do it? What's in it for me?
The answer to those questions come easy for me. Satisfaction, gratification, a boost to my self esteem for starters and a lot that has nothing to do with money although, like anyone I would welcome more of it.
But I'd also welcome my bosses saying, "Damn Nikki, you work your behind off and we appreciate it. It really has made a difference." LOL Wishful thinking, huh?
Well I may never hear it but I already know it's true. And if I never hear the words - even after I print this blog out for my boss and show it to him - I will keep working hard at what I love.
And also realize that the hard work I put in on the job doesn't stop there. I'm a hardworking mother, friend, daughter and lover. I don't half-step at anything I do. So while my family and friends may suffer a little because my mind is on work so much they also benefit because I give everything my all.
And while I'm still waiting for the props I deserve at work and in some other areas, (you know what I'm talking about ladies!)my boys thank me every day and that's enough for me.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
What Color Is Your Love?
What color is your love: red hot, moody blue, envy green? Or a color that has no name yet? The color of your love, like the leaves on a tree depends on the season.
One thing for sure is that there's no wrong color as long as it looks good on you.
This comes up because Valentines weekend was rough for a lot of us especially if we were comparing our love to our friends, church members, co-workers etc.
I have many girlfriends who had flowers delivered to their office just to give the appearance of a romantic and thoughtful boyfriend or husband waiting in the wing to fulfill all of their Valentine expectations.
Nothing wrong with that, right?
Having expectations in our culture is expected. We are brought up that way. Having great expectations sounds great however when the expectation is unfulfilled, we bitch, we moan, we become disappointed. And that becomes a problem.
Unfulfilled expectations always cause problems.
For example, if I expect you to love me a certain way and your love doesn't show up that way for me, I will most likely be disappointed.
And this is on a Tuesday!
So imagine how easy it is to get caught up on the one day that we as a universe celebrates love.
For weeks leading to Valentine’s Day we are immersed in all things love. We let advertisers, acquaintances and strangers define what our love is supposed to look like. So even though you or I am content with the love we’re getting we find ourselves questioning that love or putting new and sometimes unrealistic pressure on that love, and for what? So that Hallmark, the Flower delivery industry, the candy biz and restaurant franchises can get richer.
We spend time hating on those who had picture perfect Valentine’s weekends instead of finding the goodness in what we've got at home. A good friend once said to me when I was feeling a little envious about her Valentines Day - "shall I tell you about the Valentines day that he didn't come home at all?"
That was a stark reminder that the color of love reflected in our lives today may have not been so vibrant in a different season. But it was also a hopeful reminder for me and maybe for you that the dull color of my love can and will get brighter. It would be great if me and my girls were in the same season at the same time; that our love life coincided so that we could all be red hot at the same time.
But then again maybe my friend is up when I am down so that she can help me through this time. If we were feeling our lows at the same time we wouldn't be much good to each other. Maybe God put us together so she could have compassion for me and be a living witness that things can and will get better. Lastly maybe the message here is acceptance. To accept the love we're getting, giving and making - whether it looks like someone else's or not.
If we could accept the notion that everyone is doing the best they can, regardless of whether their choices are our choices, our attitude about our relationship would improve and perhaps the relationship we have would become the relationship we enjoy being in.
If my love felt good prior to Valentines Day, why should it hurt the day of? Is it because it doesn't look like someone else's. That isn't fair to him or me.
What does your love look like? What does it feel like? If it looks good on you then maybe it's better than you thought. If it doesn't feel good right now remember that your season will change and when it does remember to remind your sisters who will going through it at that time.
And during a down season, use that extra time to take inventory of what your relationship needs are. When you know what you need, you can express those needs to your partner and be okay with allowing them to love you the way they can love you, you will see a shift in your relationship that goes far beyond what you ever could have imagined!
What color is your love: red hot, moody blue, envy green? Or a color that has no name yet?
Or maybe your love color just needs a little boost … mix it with little more hope, a lot less expectation and work it out!
One thing for sure is that there's no wrong color as long as it looks good on you.
This comes up because Valentines weekend was rough for a lot of us especially if we were comparing our love to our friends, church members, co-workers etc.
I have many girlfriends who had flowers delivered to their office just to give the appearance of a romantic and thoughtful boyfriend or husband waiting in the wing to fulfill all of their Valentine expectations.
Nothing wrong with that, right?
Having expectations in our culture is expected. We are brought up that way. Having great expectations sounds great however when the expectation is unfulfilled, we bitch, we moan, we become disappointed. And that becomes a problem.
Unfulfilled expectations always cause problems.
For example, if I expect you to love me a certain way and your love doesn't show up that way for me, I will most likely be disappointed.
And this is on a Tuesday!
So imagine how easy it is to get caught up on the one day that we as a universe celebrates love.
For weeks leading to Valentine’s Day we are immersed in all things love. We let advertisers, acquaintances and strangers define what our love is supposed to look like. So even though you or I am content with the love we’re getting we find ourselves questioning that love or putting new and sometimes unrealistic pressure on that love, and for what? So that Hallmark, the Flower delivery industry, the candy biz and restaurant franchises can get richer.
We spend time hating on those who had picture perfect Valentine’s weekends instead of finding the goodness in what we've got at home. A good friend once said to me when I was feeling a little envious about her Valentines Day - "shall I tell you about the Valentines day that he didn't come home at all?"
That was a stark reminder that the color of love reflected in our lives today may have not been so vibrant in a different season. But it was also a hopeful reminder for me and maybe for you that the dull color of my love can and will get brighter. It would be great if me and my girls were in the same season at the same time; that our love life coincided so that we could all be red hot at the same time.
But then again maybe my friend is up when I am down so that she can help me through this time. If we were feeling our lows at the same time we wouldn't be much good to each other. Maybe God put us together so she could have compassion for me and be a living witness that things can and will get better. Lastly maybe the message here is acceptance. To accept the love we're getting, giving and making - whether it looks like someone else's or not.
If we could accept the notion that everyone is doing the best they can, regardless of whether their choices are our choices, our attitude about our relationship would improve and perhaps the relationship we have would become the relationship we enjoy being in.
If my love felt good prior to Valentines Day, why should it hurt the day of? Is it because it doesn't look like someone else's. That isn't fair to him or me.
What does your love look like? What does it feel like? If it looks good on you then maybe it's better than you thought. If it doesn't feel good right now remember that your season will change and when it does remember to remind your sisters who will going through it at that time.
And during a down season, use that extra time to take inventory of what your relationship needs are. When you know what you need, you can express those needs to your partner and be okay with allowing them to love you the way they can love you, you will see a shift in your relationship that goes far beyond what you ever could have imagined!
What color is your love: red hot, moody blue, envy green? Or a color that has no name yet?
Or maybe your love color just needs a little boost … mix it with little more hope, a lot less expectation and work it out!
Saturday, February 14, 2009
A Love Of Your Own
Is it Valentine’s Day already? It seems like we were just celebrating the birth of 2009 and then the birth of a new and improved nation with the Inauguration of President Barack Obama. But here we are on February 14th and if you’re a mom or dad with young children (like me) you probably spent some time this week wading through the aisles of Target or Walmart picking out just the right Valentine’s Day cards and candy that will be handed out in school. Now, the rule is to bring a card for every student. Most teachers even send home a list of every child’s name in the class to ensure that no one is left out. Everything is fair and balanced lest some little boy or girl end up on a psychiatrist’s couch with tales of low self esteem and lack of self love.
If only real grown up love was so fair and balanced. But in a grown up love relationship, you know that you can give a lot and get nothing in return. You can give nothing and be overwhelmed by the attention and generosity of someone who won’t go away. Real grown up love comes in different shapes, colors, flavors and levels of intensity. There are no rules for real grown up love. No instructions, No guarantees. And a lot of times it leaves us feeling empty or less than worthy. And real love does not discriminate. It’s not just the regular folks that deal with issues of the heart.
In the past few weeks some high profile, grown up love got almost everyone’s attention.
Erykah Badu gave birth this month to a baby girl named Mars. It is Erykah’s third child and they each have different fathers. If Erykah was a co-worker in the mail department most people would call her ghetto. But I spoke to a woman yesterday who said it might be better for Erykah to have babies with different men that she really loves than to stay in a bad relationship with one man and have several babies. She said that maybe the children will be spared the pain of divorce or the angst of living in a house where mommy and daddy are fighting every day. Maybe Erykah’s love for children surpasses her desire to be involved in a traditional relationship with one man. Or maybe she doesn’t love herself enough to wait for the person she deserves. Who knows but it’s something to think about?
Next up: Through the miracle of medical science mixed with irresponsibility and mental illness, a woman who claimed to have big love for children gave birth to octuplets. What started out as an amazing story quickly turned into a train wreck most of us couldn’t stop watching. Through artificial insemination she’d already had six other children bringing the grand total to 14. It easy to throw out the word crazy when looking at all this woman went through to fill her home with children, but it’s deeper than that. Her mother says was a lonely child so in some twisted way may have thought that house full of children would fulfill her emptiness. And though the majority of us would not go to that extreme, I would dare say that at one time or another all of us have tried to use something to fill an empty space in our lives our are hearts…money, food, drugs, sex,
Then finally, in a matter of days Chris Brown and Rihanna went from being one of Hollywood’s hottest celebrity couples to the poster children for domestic abuse. Whether you believe the rumors or not – parents had a lot of explaining to do. Tweeners who follow them got a crash course in words like herpes and assault and battery. Conversations were had all across the country about safe sex and safer love; explaining that physical, mental or verbal abuse never add up and that abuse cancels out love in every equation.
It’s no secret that love can show up hand in hand with craziness, irresponsibility, unhealthiness, and violence. I guess it is particularly interesting that we think that love should be some great struggle. That if we fight hard enough to keep it, love will never stray.
But when you place all of your love chips on someone else - there are no guarantees. There is no guarantee that at the end of the day, after all of the work you have done, you are either going to get a partner, have a relationship, or save the relationship you are in.
The only guarantee comes when you invest the time and energy into making sure that you are a receptacle ready to give and receive love with out conditions and strings.
You cannot move toward finding and loving yourself, just for the sake of finding and loving someone else. You must do it for the sake of doing it. You must love, honor, and respect you for the sake of it - no strings or conditions attached. There should be no fine print.
It is when you are now ready to be with yourself rather than by yourself that you understand the true, full experience of love. It is then that you are ready to extend that love to someone else. It is then that you can write your own love story, instead of subscribe to someone else’s. How cool is that?
So whether today you are loving on yourself, someone else or have multiple Valentines like myself - again I say, Happy Valentine’s Day!
PS. Multiple Valentines = two little boys named Tyler and Willis. Get your mind out of the gutter! LOL
Wednesday, February 06, 2008
J-O-Y
And the question is .... how can I get some J-O-Y in my life?
Well ....
Joy is what we are, not what we must get. Joy is the realization that all we want or need in life has been etched into our souls. Periods of success followed by long periods of unhappiness and dissatisfaction are not the natural order of life. We are not put here to suffer and then die. Yet it seems that we are unable to sustain an even flow of pleasure and ease in our daily affairs and relationships. Things never seem to add up when we make the tally of pleasure and pain, ease and difficulty, good times and bad times. Perhaps this is because we are using the wrong measurements.
Joy - not happiness. Joy is an internal mechanism which keeps us on an even plane as we move through life. Joy gives us the ability to move through an unpleasant situation, knowing that once we make it through, it is over. Joy reminds us of what we need to learn to experience longer periods of joy.
Joy helps us see not what we are “going through” but what we are “growing to,” a greater sense of understanding, accomplishment, and enlightenment. Joy reveals to us the calm at the end of the storm, the peace that surpasses the momentary happiness of pleasure. If we keep our mind and heart centered on joy then it becomes a state of mind, not something we seek when things go wrong only to have it slip through our fingers over and over.
Joy is staying in your strength and in your power. It's about staying grounded and at peace in all you do.
But how do you reach this state of Joydom? (yes, I made that up. Lol)
First, we have to be accountable.
Now this may be uncomfortable at first. It could even hurt. We've all had experiences we'd sooner like to forget. We all do things now and then that seem to steer us off course. But the sooner you accept all of your experiences as the fuel that powers your life, the more joy you will experience. Everything in your life -- the happy and sad, the right and wrong, has worked together to shape the character of who you are today.
Next up, be authentic -- let the world see you for who you really are.
When you show up authentic, you free others to do the same. It's contagious. The world needs you to be authentic -- don't be afraid of it. Your authenticity may catch people off guard, but it will help free them to be their real, true selves, too.
Finally, be honest with yourself.
People make all exuses for why they are not doing this and not doing that. But that's all they are - excuses. There's something underneath that you don't want to deal with. But guess what - until you do - you'll never be where you want to be.
Tackle these three things and nothing can hold you back from living in the state you really want to be in. And no – it’s not Florida. Even though with 14 inches of snow on the way - that’s looking pretty good right now.
But even better than warm, blue water and clear, blue skies – is JOY.
Well ....
Joy is what we are, not what we must get. Joy is the realization that all we want or need in life has been etched into our souls. Periods of success followed by long periods of unhappiness and dissatisfaction are not the natural order of life. We are not put here to suffer and then die. Yet it seems that we are unable to sustain an even flow of pleasure and ease in our daily affairs and relationships. Things never seem to add up when we make the tally of pleasure and pain, ease and difficulty, good times and bad times. Perhaps this is because we are using the wrong measurements.
Joy - not happiness. Joy is an internal mechanism which keeps us on an even plane as we move through life. Joy gives us the ability to move through an unpleasant situation, knowing that once we make it through, it is over. Joy reminds us of what we need to learn to experience longer periods of joy.
Joy helps us see not what we are “going through” but what we are “growing to,” a greater sense of understanding, accomplishment, and enlightenment. Joy reveals to us the calm at the end of the storm, the peace that surpasses the momentary happiness of pleasure. If we keep our mind and heart centered on joy then it becomes a state of mind, not something we seek when things go wrong only to have it slip through our fingers over and over.
Joy is staying in your strength and in your power. It's about staying grounded and at peace in all you do.
But how do you reach this state of Joydom? (yes, I made that up. Lol)
First, we have to be accountable.
Now this may be uncomfortable at first. It could even hurt. We've all had experiences we'd sooner like to forget. We all do things now and then that seem to steer us off course. But the sooner you accept all of your experiences as the fuel that powers your life, the more joy you will experience. Everything in your life -- the happy and sad, the right and wrong, has worked together to shape the character of who you are today.
Next up, be authentic -- let the world see you for who you really are.
When you show up authentic, you free others to do the same. It's contagious. The world needs you to be authentic -- don't be afraid of it. Your authenticity may catch people off guard, but it will help free them to be their real, true selves, too.
Finally, be honest with yourself.
People make all exuses for why they are not doing this and not doing that. But that's all they are - excuses. There's something underneath that you don't want to deal with. But guess what - until you do - you'll never be where you want to be.
Tackle these three things and nothing can hold you back from living in the state you really want to be in. And no – it’s not Florida. Even though with 14 inches of snow on the way - that’s looking pretty good right now.
But even better than warm, blue water and clear, blue skies – is JOY.
Sunday, February 03, 2008
YES, WE CAN!
Check out the star-studded music video to the “Yes We Can Song” which includes excerpts from Sen. Barack Obama’s speech following the New Hampshire primary. The video which premiered on Dipdive.com, features appearances from several celebrities including: Will.I.Am, Scarlett Johansson, Common, John Legend, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Tatyana Ali, Adam Rodriguez, Kelly Hu, Nick Cannon and more.
“I’m blown away by how many people wanted to come and be a part of it in a short amount of time. It was all out of love and hope for change and really representing America and looking at the world,” Will.I.Am said.
“I’m blown away by how many people wanted to come and be a part of it in a short amount of time. It was all out of love and hope for change and really representing America and looking at the world,” Will.I.Am said.
Friday, February 01, 2008
It’s Time To Make an Impact
Because if not now … when?
And if not you … then who?
And yes, I do mean to be dramatic. Desperate situations call for desperate measures, right?
Well, luckily it doesn’t have to be a desperate situation. The power to change it is ours. All we have to do is make an impact.
Think about it …
Every day you come across people you know and don't know – each one could use your help and each person could help you in some small or large way. But how often do you make an impact on somebody's life - with the intention of making an impact?
Chances are you're like most people - just trying to make it through the day and not really paying attention to the people that cross your path everyday - both strangers and those you know.
Yet everyday you have an opportunity to do something significant - sometimes it can be something small - and make an impact - to help somebody. Stranger, friend or family, it doesn't matter. Just make a positive impact.
Why?
Well first of all – it’s what we as human beings should be doing. But secondly, when you make a positive impact you not only help somebody else, you also help yourself and those around you because you start to create magnetic energy.
When you generate magnetic energy you attract more positive situations to you and into your life.
But there is a catch – it has to be from your heart. You must truly want to help someone in some small or large way. You can't do it because you want to attract positive situations into your life - that will naturally happen. But to begin creating that magnetic energy you have to make an impact because you want to and because you feel it is what you should do.
I know some of you may say: “I’ve been helping people for years but when I need help – no one's there. Why should I keep putting myself out there?” I say again: because it’s what you should do. It’s not about people helping you – it’s about making a positive impact.
If you truly feel that you have been helping people, making an impact and you haven't been attracting positive situations, or positive events, or positive people into our life - then maybe you need to take a closer look at your intentions. Check your motivations and determine if you really did things to help other people out of the goodness of your heart - or did you expect something in return?
Next - take a look at the opportunities that came your way - and examine how you reacted to them. Did you welcome the opportunities that crossed your path or did you dismiss them thinking that they weren’t for you or that it may have been too good to be true?
What about the people that you’ve met? Did you develop friendships? Continue to network with them or did you ignore them assuming that they weren't the kind of people that you would help you?
Often we dismiss events, opportunities and people that we encounter – thinking that we already know the outcome.
The truth is - we don't.
You don't have to make a big impact. Sometimes it’s the little things that make the biggest difference.
Give your time, your understanding, your knowledge.
Give somebody a hand with their shopping bags.
Open a door for somebody who has their hands full.
Listen to your son/daughter the next time that you speak with them.
Take a moment to smile before getting angry.
Share your wisdom.
Be pleasant to a stranger.
Offer some kind words to a colleague or family member.
When you do this you'll begin to change your energy. And at the same time you'll begin to instruct your subconscious mind to attract more of what you give - because you'll only get what you give. At the same time you'll create a positive mindset and that will attract more positive situations into your life. And then you'll be able to create the life you want.
You'll immediately start to feel better about your life and your situation.
After a few weeks of regularly making an impact you will begin to see new opportunities come your way. You will begin to meet new people, and you will encounter new events. All of these can help you improve your life and the lives of those around you. Pay attention to them. Don't assume that you know whether they will or won't work for you.
Everything you come across and every person you meet can help you - but only if you are open minded and willing to explore the opportunity. If you're not then you can never truly improve the quality of your life.
Once you've started creating magnetic energy - you can instruct your mind and subconscious mind to help you make the right choices, attract the right people and the right situations so that you create the life you want.
But you have to be consistent - so make a commitment to make an impact everyday in 2008.
Try it for the rest of the year and see how your life changes or improves.
You can make an impact.
You can make a difference.
You can attract positive situations.
You can create the life that you want.
And if not you … then who?
And yes, I do mean to be dramatic. Desperate situations call for desperate measures, right?
Well, luckily it doesn’t have to be a desperate situation. The power to change it is ours. All we have to do is make an impact.
Think about it …
Every day you come across people you know and don't know – each one could use your help and each person could help you in some small or large way. But how often do you make an impact on somebody's life - with the intention of making an impact?
Chances are you're like most people - just trying to make it through the day and not really paying attention to the people that cross your path everyday - both strangers and those you know.
Yet everyday you have an opportunity to do something significant - sometimes it can be something small - and make an impact - to help somebody. Stranger, friend or family, it doesn't matter. Just make a positive impact.
Why?
Well first of all – it’s what we as human beings should be doing. But secondly, when you make a positive impact you not only help somebody else, you also help yourself and those around you because you start to create magnetic energy.
When you generate magnetic energy you attract more positive situations to you and into your life.
But there is a catch – it has to be from your heart. You must truly want to help someone in some small or large way. You can't do it because you want to attract positive situations into your life - that will naturally happen. But to begin creating that magnetic energy you have to make an impact because you want to and because you feel it is what you should do.
I know some of you may say: “I’ve been helping people for years but when I need help – no one's there. Why should I keep putting myself out there?” I say again: because it’s what you should do. It’s not about people helping you – it’s about making a positive impact.
If you truly feel that you have been helping people, making an impact and you haven't been attracting positive situations, or positive events, or positive people into our life - then maybe you need to take a closer look at your intentions. Check your motivations and determine if you really did things to help other people out of the goodness of your heart - or did you expect something in return?
Next - take a look at the opportunities that came your way - and examine how you reacted to them. Did you welcome the opportunities that crossed your path or did you dismiss them thinking that they weren’t for you or that it may have been too good to be true?
What about the people that you’ve met? Did you develop friendships? Continue to network with them or did you ignore them assuming that they weren't the kind of people that you would help you?
Often we dismiss events, opportunities and people that we encounter – thinking that we already know the outcome.
The truth is - we don't.
You don't have to make a big impact. Sometimes it’s the little things that make the biggest difference.
Give your time, your understanding, your knowledge.
Give somebody a hand with their shopping bags.
Open a door for somebody who has their hands full.
Listen to your son/daughter the next time that you speak with them.
Take a moment to smile before getting angry.
Share your wisdom.
Be pleasant to a stranger.
Offer some kind words to a colleague or family member.
When you do this you'll begin to change your energy. And at the same time you'll begin to instruct your subconscious mind to attract more of what you give - because you'll only get what you give. At the same time you'll create a positive mindset and that will attract more positive situations into your life. And then you'll be able to create the life you want.
You'll immediately start to feel better about your life and your situation.
After a few weeks of regularly making an impact you will begin to see new opportunities come your way. You will begin to meet new people, and you will encounter new events. All of these can help you improve your life and the lives of those around you. Pay attention to them. Don't assume that you know whether they will or won't work for you.
Everything you come across and every person you meet can help you - but only if you are open minded and willing to explore the opportunity. If you're not then you can never truly improve the quality of your life.
Once you've started creating magnetic energy - you can instruct your mind and subconscious mind to help you make the right choices, attract the right people and the right situations so that you create the life you want.
But you have to be consistent - so make a commitment to make an impact everyday in 2008.
Try it for the rest of the year and see how your life changes or improves.
You can make an impact.
You can make a difference.
You can attract positive situations.
You can create the life that you want.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Shouldn't Love Be?
Charity never faileth: but whether there be prophecies, they shall fail; whether there be tongues, they shall cease; whether there be knowledge, it shall vanish away. I Cor.13:8
Personally, I love the 'love chapter' because it talks about something I love: love. It's not just any kind of love that is described here, not just the feeling of love, but this text talks about what love is and isn't. Love as a noun. Love's character. Who love is and exactly what it looks like. We may find in our scripture text for the day the most telling reason and most deeply rooted necessity we have for love in our lives.
We live in a day of self-gratification, not only outside of the church, but more disappointingly, inside the church. Saints of GOD in this dispensation want to live saved and do the things of GOD when it's comfortable and convenient. Because of fear, something not given to us by GOD(II Tim.1:7), greed and selfishness have reared their ugly heads within the Body of CHRIST, leaving those outside to not be able to see and experience the power that CHRISTians are supposed to yield on a daily basis because the CHRISTians have prioritized other things and thus are not walking in that power. This is not a statement of condemnation, but a revelation of sobriety that we need to return to. I heard someone define love, in contrast to lust, as the desire to please others at the expense of self. Hmm...shouldn't love be? Hold on if you will...
The Apostle Paul begins the eighth verse of this text, his final in defining love's attributes, by saying that charity never fails. Why is love referred to as charity in this passage of the Bible specifically and not another? GOD wanted us to know what HIS perfect love consists of. Charity is something that is given for the benefit of someone else. It's not sat upon. It's not kept quiet. It's not withheld. It's given away. Remember the Commissioned song, "Love Isn't Love", until it's what? Given away...that's charity: love that's given away. Now, if this type of love never fails, I mean for no reason does it ever fall short of completing it's task, a statement of absolution here, then shouldn't love be enough? Why isn't love our primary motive? Our absolute driving force? Doesn't it make sense? If love as our purpose, our motive, our root, our foundation (and not just any love, but love that's given away) never fails, ever, then why don't we do everything in love? Why aren't we operating more in love? Why aren't we ministering for love's sake(Mark 6:34)? Why aren't we giving and sowing for love's sake(II Cor.9:7)? Why aren't we seeking another man's wealth for love's sake(I Cor.10:24)? Why aren't we interceding for love's sake(Isa.59:16)? I mean, think about it, if I'm doing what I do out of love, then I won't stop or start when I feel like it or ultimately leave things undone or incomplete. Why not? Because love never fails; it doesn't fall down on the job or give up at the first sign of adversity or struggle, and it never operates solely based on how it feels or whether or not it's receiving in return. My gifting would be more effective in blessing others and being of use to the LORD and fulfilling the needs of the people when I'm not concerned about love offerings and honorariums or making a name for myself. Why? Love never fails.
If every purpose, goal, ambition, we set our heart's desire on was done out of love, how much more successful would we be? Now keep in mind, that when we speak of love and when we speak of success, we're talking about the love of GOD and success measured by the standard of GOD and not the world. I can;t and won't love the unconditional way GOD would have me to outside of the will of GOD; outside of relationship with HIM. Any good that I do would lack consistency and not be pure. But the love of GOD given away is the will of GOD and within that, how definite would be the manifested plans of GOD for my life(Jer.29:11), as my resume would read before GOD "giver of love to those who are in need."
GOD's plan for my life will be there, but it's up to me as to when or whether or not it's ever realized.
Charity never fails. When love is not our motive, the things we think we have and the gifts we like to place on display will wither away. Why? Love is an absolute spiritual entity and spiritual things are eternal. Everything that is not spiritual is temporal and lasts for only a short time(II Cor.4:18).
We know love is not the primary function or reason behind things that go on in and around our lives today, but shouldn't it be? We can't choose the motives of others, but we can choose for ourselves. Give love away today, and watch your life shift into another level of glory as you become more like GOD by modeling HIS flawless character.
With a fresh voice and sound, King David tha Vessel (or KD) blends skill, talent, the ability to minister to various groups and ages, and charisma with the two elements most essential for breakthrough ministry: Gods word and His anointing. The result is cutting edge music that bridges gaps, stirs, motivates, convicts and compels all while encouraging individuals to walk in Gods will for their lives. Click here to learn more about King David.
Sunday, January 27, 2008
HoW cAn I BE so STUPID?!?!?!?
I recently asked myself this question. I hadn’t done so in a long time. I know that usually individuals can be much harder on themselves that any other person could ever hope to be.
But all of that momentarily slipped my mind. I trusted someone who purported to be a man of God and allowed him to opportunity to sponsor one of my charity events. I thought of him as a kind person who wanted to do something good in the community and let down my usual guards. I believed every excuse he gave about why he hadn’t sent the money for the sponsorship even after my organization had committed itself to other companies that were demanding payment. To make a long story short, he is nothing of what he said that he was. To be even more to the point – he is a con artist.
At first, I believed it was an isolated incident. That maybe the economy had been hard on him and his business and he was experiencing a monetary cash flow. Then out of the blue – I begin receiving a barrage of emails about other people he had conned.
That’s when I asked myself the dreaded question, “How could I have been so stupid?”
It was almost in the same instant that I had a moment of clarity. Taking responsibility for making a mistake is one thing – berating yourself for it, is something entirely different.
Think about it.
Do we yell at children when they fall down and bump their heads or bust their lips? No. Do we punch guest who break glasses or spill drinks? No. Do we lash out at plants that die or flowers that don’t bloom? No. Somehow we find compassion in our hearts to forgive and excuse the mishaps and errors of others. Yet we have little if any compassion for ourselves. For some reason, we tend to forge we are growing and learning, and that we will fall down and sometimes make a mess.
You may not always know what to do. It’s okay! You will not always be able to find the right words at the moment at the moment you need them. It’s okay. You may swear you won’t, then do it anyway. It really is okay! It’s okay if you do, or say, or forget to do or say the “right” thing at the “right” time. The challenge is to learn not to beat yourself up about it. Even better – pretend you’re five again, give yourself a big hug and whisper, “It’s okay!”
Because guess what .... it really is.
But all of that momentarily slipped my mind. I trusted someone who purported to be a man of God and allowed him to opportunity to sponsor one of my charity events. I thought of him as a kind person who wanted to do something good in the community and let down my usual guards. I believed every excuse he gave about why he hadn’t sent the money for the sponsorship even after my organization had committed itself to other companies that were demanding payment. To make a long story short, he is nothing of what he said that he was. To be even more to the point – he is a con artist.
At first, I believed it was an isolated incident. That maybe the economy had been hard on him and his business and he was experiencing a monetary cash flow. Then out of the blue – I begin receiving a barrage of emails about other people he had conned.
That’s when I asked myself the dreaded question, “How could I have been so stupid?”
It was almost in the same instant that I had a moment of clarity. Taking responsibility for making a mistake is one thing – berating yourself for it, is something entirely different.
Think about it.
Do we yell at children when they fall down and bump their heads or bust their lips? No. Do we punch guest who break glasses or spill drinks? No. Do we lash out at plants that die or flowers that don’t bloom? No. Somehow we find compassion in our hearts to forgive and excuse the mishaps and errors of others. Yet we have little if any compassion for ourselves. For some reason, we tend to forge we are growing and learning, and that we will fall down and sometimes make a mess.
You may not always know what to do. It’s okay! You will not always be able to find the right words at the moment at the moment you need them. It’s okay. You may swear you won’t, then do it anyway. It really is okay! It’s okay if you do, or say, or forget to do or say the “right” thing at the “right” time. The challenge is to learn not to beat yourself up about it. Even better – pretend you’re five again, give yourself a big hug and whisper, “It’s okay!”
Because guess what .... it really is.
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